Some time back, in a meditation with my dream, my dream said:
YOU NEED TO FEEL WORTHY AND RECEPTIVE TO YOUR DREAMS.
And I was like “Well, I feel how I feel”
And my dream was like “NO! YOU NEED TO FEEL WORTHY AND RECEPTIVE TO YOUR DREAMS.”
And it felt like it waved a magic wand, and I suddenly ⚡️FELT⚡️ 100% worthy and receptive, just for a few seconds.
And then I saw it, how much that would change everything.
So I started working on it.
I divided it in 2: worthiness and receptivity and I did a group call on each - an alchemy meditation/community spell/healing circle where we could work on it together. (Membership members can get the replays here: worthiness | receptivity)
Worthiness is a constant underlying issue for me, maybe for most of us?
And receptivity can feel like so much work. Staying open is VULNERABLE AF.
But the two of them together are magic.
It’s monday morning, my schedule has been disrupted, so this is where I am starting today.
I’m not revisiting the meditations from those calls, just closing my eyes, taking a few breaths, and reflecting on what I have learned about feeling worthy and receptive to my dream.
My dream is there, as some kind of puffball with it’s hands on it’s hips, saying “GIRL! I know you know that there is no way to not be worthy of your dreams”
And I thought about how our dreams chose us, our dreams are our own soul showing us our path and so there isn’t any way we could not be worthy of that.
I thought about how our dreams show us OUR TRUTH.
And our culture works so hard to make us feel not enough so that it can sell us solutions, but also to keep us yearning to EARN enoughness - this keeps supremacist systems in place. And part of the nature of supremacist systems IS that sense of not being enough. Even when you’re at the top, you feel unworthy and afraid of losing it… it’s the nature of living in a culture that doesn’t affirm our worth. It’s a distortion.
So FEELING WORTHY is not about boosting yourself up to be declared “good enough”
It’s about recognizing an inherent truth.
This lands for me today…
But receptivity?
I feel a tiny door in my heart shut.
I give it a hug.
“Oh sweetheart, I can see why you would be afraid of this dream”
The door is now just a fence. And it’s crying.
Tell me what’s going on.
It’s so scary and overwhelming!
Oh yeah I know! Tell me more!
I’m so lucky to have what I have, asking for more feels greedy and like… what if that makes it fall apart? What if that destroys everything?
Yeah, that’s a big fear to hold. I’m so sorry you are carrying that. Do you want to try to put it down?
PUT IT DOWN??! WTF?
Well, actually, yeah. Put it down. Like, recognize that I am going after this so maybe just put the fear down?
Ummm, this is some shitty tough love. I don’t like it.
OK yeah, I usually have more patience and compassion when doing this work. It’s just - well, today my schedule is disrupted and I don’t have a lot of time…
So you’re trying to RUSH THE INNER WORK?
This little fence around my heart is incredulous.
Ummm, yeah I guess I was. I was hoping you would see how worthy we are of this dream, and how it helps us be more in alignment with our truth, and just… put it down.
The fence seems to hold onto the fear tighter.
Receptivity is so vulnerable.
I sit with this. The rest of my body does feel open and receptive.
I ask the fence “Do you feel worthy of this dream?”
It gets all shy.
Yeah, I know this confronts a lot of deep stuff. And I’m so sorry I tried to rush you. Your feelings are valid and I am so grateful that you share them with me. I want to know what’s going on with you!
Thank you. It’s just all a bit much right now.
OK, well I am not going to rush you. How can I help you?
The fence turns into a curtain, like a luscious velvet curtain.
I add: Also, I am so grateful that you are protecting my precious heart! You are so important!
The curtain swishes and sways.
We need to keep talking though, protecting my precious heart is about discernment, and sure - in the middle of a divorce it’s easy to think “Maybe I shouldn’t have married that person, maybe I shouldn’t have believed in that particular dream and so I will be very cautious about believing in other dreams” but that’s not how we want to be. And maybe the divorce is a good example of how a dream can fall apart AND I CAN BE OK. I can re-build even better…
The curtain perks up.
Yeah! You can feel that, right?
Oh wow it feels safe to dream.
There it is!
The curtain opens. My heart is there. Open and receptive.
Thank you curtain, and listen - when there is danger, you can close. You can turn back into a fence, a door, a huge impenetrable wall… you can become as protective as you need to. I don’t want to destroy you, I only want to practice discernment with you, and let the things in that are right for us. And this dream, this is right for us.
I am holding this today, the way it feels SO TENDER to be receptive to my dreams.
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