This is from my journal from a few weeks ago:

The part of me who feels worthless is activated today.

This is so hard.

i’m using the Un-Sticking Station practice to meet with her.

She’s in this… land of tears is the phrase that comes to mind. Lots of icicles and icebergs.

But then sometimes the scene flips over to this really dry desert place.

She’s sitting on the ground, or an an iceberg.

Crying.

Alone.

And without hope.

I sit down in front of her and offer her flowers. Now the scene is staying pretty steady in the desert.

She asks: “Is loving myself enough? Can I really be the source of love?”

I just don’t see how it could be true that without external love and validation, we just shrivel up. And maybe it’s not the time to bring this up, but there are loads of sources of love. But also I am curious - why does self love seem like it’s not enough?

Suddenly, looking at her, the part of me who feels worthless, and I know that she is a great artist. Frida Kahlo vibes.

What if I haven’t been letting you be as majestic and amazing as you are because I was worried that no one would love me?

I don’t even know which part of me is speaking here but WHOA that feels like a good question.

Have I been trying to fit in in ways that betray my own truth, and has this minimized my creative potential, and has it also made it harder for the people who are really FOR ME, to find me?

Jesus.

These questions are landing.

BUT the part of me who feels worthless is no longer activated.

Like these questions are occupying her mind, and there is no space for wondering or worrying that she’s not good enough.

+++++++

As I move along this path of re-building my life after divorce, while starting a whole new decade.... and even though I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ME all along, it feels like there are so many things I can shake off to BE MORE ME in how I live my life.

I feel more and more optimistic about my 50s being my best decade yet.

 

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