This is how I've always been with my business dreams.
YES I DO want to move forward.
YES I DO have a LOT of ambivalence.
You can have ambivalence and doubt and fear AND ALSO pursue your dreams wholeheartedly.
I don't think dreams should be reserved for people who have no doubts.
I'm highly sensitive and insecure and struggle when my work doesn't live up to what I thought it would be, when I saw it in my head. This also describes most creatives.
I've never aimed to eliminate ALL ambivalence. I'm sure there are lots of life coaches and internet gurus who want to help me do that, but I don't see that as a healthy goal.
I prefer to allow myself to FEEL HOW I FEEL while also PURSUING WHAT I WANT TO PURSUE.
Still. This one foot on the gas and one foot on the brakes thing is ANNOYING.
I go full gas sometimes, determined to keep my foot on the gas - only to have the other foot hit the brake so gently that I don't even notice our momentum slowing down.
Then when I do notice we're almost stopped. And I'm SUPER ANNOYED with myself for doing this AGAIN.
Also, I do teach people how to transform patterns and I'm actually really good at it so why haven't I transformed this one?
Because I know that brakes = a deep sense of safety.
And putting my foot on the gas tends to be exhilarating, exciting, and scary. At some point, scary starts to take over. At that point, it's REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD to have an effective way to bring in a sense of safety.
So I know WHY I do it. Knowing that is NOT enough to change it.
The thing I usually do to try to change this is actually the thing you should never do.
And I know this isn't how to change a pattern, but I always think that *this time will be the one exception*
And so I decide: this time I'll just keep my foot on the gas. And I won't put my other foot on the brake. No matter what. Just for 30 days. Just to get over this particular bump on the path.
But we can't strong-arm ourselves into new ways of being.
And one-foot-on-the-gas-one-foot-on-the-brakes is a VERY established way of being for me, so I can't even imagine how strong that arm would have to be for strong-arming to even begin to work as a strategy.
So it's never worked.
But we *this time will be the one exception* ourselves because the way to ACTUALLY change our patterns is so hard that we would rather do anything than do that.
What happens for me is that I have ENOUGH gas to get to where I want to be, so I am not all that disturbed by the other foot on the brakes slowing me down... for the most part.
But then sometimes, like today, I get to these places where I notice that I didn't fully follow through on my plans/ideas and I get really frustrated with myself.
And that frustration is driving the decision to say: OK I AM DOING IT AGAIN AND THIS TIME GAS ONLY FFS!!!!
All that is is a desire to get out of my feelings of frustration.
That's NOT an effective approach to changing patterns.
And so the result is: I temporarily get free of my feelings of frustration, but I am just setting myself up to repeat the whole thing.
Because "JUST DO IT BETTER NEXT TIME" it NOT a strategy.
I'm writing this from inside that place of frustration where I really want to just make myself do it better next time.
Instead, I'm writing this out.
I'm spending some time with my feelings.
I'm cutting myself some slack.
And I'm asking myself: are you ready/willing/able to do the ACTUAL work of changing this pattern?
What I DO feel ready to do is to take the "Just keep your foot on the gas and do better next time" option off the table completely. It doesn't work, it just sets me up to get frustrated later on.
Of course, since it's a knee-jerk reaction for me at this point, that means I'll have to work on staying aware of this and not falling back into the pattern, which means probably catching myself IN THE PATTERN and choosing to get out of it sooner.
And eventually get to a place where it's not an option for me anymore.
What I really want is to be more HONEST with myself about this.
The truth is, I will never be a person who keeps her foot on the gas all the time. And it feels liberating to write that in public.
What I do want is to be a person who has more control over the brakes though. Who doesn't auto-brake the second things feel scary.
Actually I want a new metaphor. Because I always want to brake for danger, and it's a much more subtle issue of determining what is actually dangerous and what just feels scary because it's new and dreams are terrifying.
I feel ready to switch into a new metaphor for momentum.
And the first step to doing that is to be more honest with myself about my feelings ALL THE WAY THROUGH the process.
So that's where I'm starting now.
This morning I poured my heart out into this blog post.
Then I re-read it right before I was going to hit publish - and instead I deleted the whole thing.
Now here I am trying to re-write it.
After a year ago, I got a LOT of attention/comments from people about my new look for the Creative Dream Incubator. The funny thing was, it wasn't a new look at all. I was just using art that I'd made for my journaling printables (which are a small part of Dream Book)and sharing it on social media.
That was just one of many things I was doing to experiment with how I want to put myself out there.
This is the part of my business that is the most challenging for me, and the place with the most opportunity for growth.
Dream Book changed things for me.
I made my first full e-course in 2010 - The Creative Dream Incubator e-Course. That course contained everything I learned during my four years of training become a spiritual counselor/healer/teacher.
I thought it was the final step for me in this work - and it is a truly life-changing course - but it was just the beginning.
Now, ten years later, I have created Dream Book which is a totally new way of holding space for navigating the space between where you are and where you want to be.
Dream Book has changed everything for me. And I want the way I show up in my business - my marketing - to reflect this.
It doesn't.
Yet.
A few weeks ago I had a LOT of stories + explanations for WHY I was stuck and how it wasn't my fault.
(Defensiveness is a form of being stuck that will keep you zooming around in circles inside your stuck 
)
The thing is, being stuck with this felt exceptionally painful.
But I know that ALL stucks around our dreams feel that way.
Because our dreams are leading us towards our True Self, who we are here to be, so being blocked from means you are being blocked from a vital part of your self.
That's going to hurt.
It was important for me to be with all of those feelings.
I felt shame that I haven't already done the things I want to do. I felt shame that the fact that I haven't done it yet could mean that I'll never do it.
I felt fear that everything could fall apart.
I felt like no one cares why bother?
I felt like eating cookies, watching Netflix and ignoring this whole thing.
Being with all of these feelings was an important part of the process. Not wallowing in them, but actually processing them - to turn them into compost for growth. (This is one of the things I teach in Dream Book)
If you don't do that work, the feelings will not go away. They'll go underground and you will continue to hold back on wholeheartedly going after your dreams.
This is the part that is amazing to me:
Once I'd worked through all of my emotional reactions, all of these impossible-feeling feelings - I came to a place of clarity and calm.
Suddenly it was all so simple. After feeling heartbreakingly and impossibly complicated for so long, it felt SIMPLE.
The truth is: Marketing is simple. We make it VERY complicated because of all of our stuff around: visibility, vulnerability, owning our gifts, having clear boundaries, actually HAVING the things we really want, self doubt, etc, etc, etc.
But it's simple.
Once you understand the basics it's just a matter of how you want to implement it. Marketing is actually VERY creative and fun and can be a source of healing and light, especially in a business like mine.
I want to be putting myself out there in a 
NEW way. I want to bring the full force of my creative magic to how I put myself out there.
Of course I don't know exactly HOW to do this!
There is no way to fully clearly see the way to do a thing I have never done before.
This is the nature of NEW!
You learn by DOING IT: giving it time + love + attention. You learn by EXPERIMENTING WITH YOUR IDEAS and learning from those experiments.
But when it comes to marketing your heart work, experimenting with your ideas can feel sooooo awkward and vulnerable and very, very, very public. Which is why I got so twisted up about.
But now, having worked through my feelings and brought healing and transformation to the parts of me who needed it, it's not twisted.
I have NEVER put as much energy into marketing my work as I have into DOING my work. I know every business guru says this is the wrong way to go.
The thing is, I've had people stay in the Creative Dream Circle for YEARS. I've had long-term one-on-one clients for YEARS.
So I don't need to keep finding new customers.
But now that I've had all the space I need to grow and evolve my work, now I want to grow and evolve my marketing.
It just feels important now that the Creative Dream Incubator be shining it's light more clearly.
It should be simple in that: it's just about giving marking more of my time attention. APPLYING the magic of my creativity to my marketing.
I have thousands of ideas for how I could do this.
I am starting now: experimenting, playing with my ideas, letting marketing have more of my TIME and ATTENTION.
As always, I'll share my daily steps, ups + downs and the practices I use as I do this in the daily miracle masterminds that are a part of Dream Book. I also teach you a way to journal that will turn your stucks into compost for your growth! Join us here.
Ouch. The pain of wanting a thing that is just out of reach.
There is so much shame in this feeling.
Like if I was good enough I'd already have the thing.
Like not having it is evidence of not deserving it.
And not having it is evidence that I will never have it.
This is where I was yesterday.
It's brutal.
I'm doing Project Miracle this month and it's helped me be clearer than ever which feels like a miracle in itself right now.
And as I got more clear about what I want, I started to want it BIGGER. And as I started to want it bigger all the stuff that is in the way started to feel bigger too.
Yesterday this felt like:
- Tense jaw
- Shoulders painfully tight and up around my ears.
- Wanting to cry and distract myself and eat all the carbs.
- Feeling 100% sure that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY to do this thing I want to do.
- Feeling 50% sure that this means I also can't keep doing the things I want to do that I am already doing, that everything is about to fall apart.
- Watching Netflix to try to avoid all of this
- Moody and frustrated and tired and not at all present with the people around me.
Yes, some of this is processing the shock of suddenly losing a friend. That's making everything else harder than usual, for sure.
But this is what happens for me every time I want to take new steps with my dreams.
That feeling that not having it is evidence of not deserving it.
That shame that somehow I have already failed because I don't have it.
These feelings come up like huge brick walls that are impossible to move through. Being with them feels impossible...
But AVOIDING them is actually what will make getting the thing impossible.
Dreaming is vulnerable AF.
In all of my years of coaching people with their dreams, I've never met a person who DIDN'T feel this way at some point.
It's the ability to sit with, process, and move through this feeling that allows you to move towards your dream.
This is the work.
Because as brutal as FEELING this feeling is, what's more brutal is that trying to AVOID this feeling WILL make the thing you want completely impossible.
Holding space for all these wildly conflicting feelings, tending to all of the parts in you who need healing while creating MORE space for the things you want... this is the work.
My work with the Creative Dream Incubator is not about helping you find a short cut to get to your dream while avoiding the hard parts. My work is provide tools + support for navigating the hard parts, because they are inevitable.
You can either pursue your dreams wholeheartedly.
Or you can avoid all these uncomfortable feelings.
You can't have both.
PS: It's not too late to join me in Project Miracle.
But before I start: whenever I write honestly about difficult things in my life, I gets ton of unsolicited advice, which, even when well meaning, is extremely unhelpful. So my policy now is to not accept ANY unsolicited advice.
I've been in a rough spot. And I’ve noticed myself pulling back a lot.
Part of it is a very natural need to just be quiet and more inward focused right now.
But part of it is this “I shouldn’t share this it will bum people out” thing that is NOT helpful for anyone.
We need to create BRAVE spaces where all parts of us are welcome, loved and seen. This is what the Creative Dream Incubator has always been so of course there is space here for my grief now.
On top of some other shitty things that happened, a lifelong friend died.
I’ve know him since I was 5. We were great friends and he was my first boyfriend in high school, though as adults we drifted apart and back together and back apart a few times.
A few years ago he really pushed me away at a time when he was talking about making a lot of positive changes. And even though I am obviously a good person to have around when you want to make positive changes, I understood.
We can pick up a lot of baggage in these lifelong friendships. Sometimes we can see who we WERE more clearly than who we are, or who we are becoming. Sometimes we need space away from the past to create a better future.
So I respected his decision. And I expected it to be temporary.
And now of course I am wondering, if I had tried harder to help - would he still be here?
It’s a painful question to sit with, and I know I’m not the only one who has been here.
I honoured his decision out of respect, and love, and a hope for a better future for him. So of course I’m devastated that that didn’t happen.
And now I’m trying to just honour everything I am thinking and feeling even as a lot of it conflicts with each other.
I’m also noticing:
- My cognitive capacity is way down, a lot of things I do that are usually quick and easy are quite slow and draining to do now.
- I’m much quicker to lose my temper and snap at my husband.
- I’m tired and just want to eat carbs which makes me more tired.
But even in this shitty place, my dreams still exist. That part of me is not gone because I am grieving.
I think we feel like we should put our joy aside to make space for grief. To be appropriate.
But I think the most appropriate thing is to try to be as human as possible. To embrace our wholeness.
To fully feel our grief and pain and fear and also feel whatever joy we can find.
I’ve felt creatively blocked all week. But since I’ve started writing this (I missed writing!) super awkwardly with my iPad Pro on my lap sitting on an uncomfortable bench outside a coffee shop with tears in my eyes, I feel.... better?
I don’t know if better is the right word. But feeling in touch with my creativity helps me be more in touch with ME. Like it opens up some space and everything stops feeling so constricted and dark.
Just like I teach in my classes, we can have fear and dreams, we can have self doubt and take brave steps. This works better when we honour all parts of our experience.
We can have joy and grief. Love and sadness.
The more fully we can allow and experience our actual feelings, the better off we are. Denying grief will eventually cut off joy. Denying joy will make it more difficult to fully grieve.
The more complicated our relationship was with the person we lost, the more difficult this is because it’s hard to hold conflicting feelings. We live in a culture that doesn’t have a lot of space for this, which makes it even harder to be in it.
I teach how to meet yourself where you are and use what you find there to move towards where you want to be.
We can’t only show up for this work when we feel “good” and “ready”. That defeats the whole purpose.
So this week I’ve been bringing my grief and conflicting feelings into Project Miracle even though a part of me has been saying OMG NO DON’T DO THIS!
This part of me feels that, as the teacher, I need to show up clear + focused + positive.
But that’s not true. As a teacher, I need to walk my talk.
And I would never want to exclude anyone from my programs because they are grieving or feeling lost or like everything they want is impossibly out of reach.
This is where #goodvibesonly is so toxic because it leaves us alone in our pain.
We can have bad vibes, be grieving and in pain and lost and feeling like there is no hope - we can be in that sucky space and still create space for healing and magic.
In fact, we need and deserve the healing and magic so much more in these times.
#badvibeswelcome
And I don't have the bandwidth to write more fully on this, but also think about who gets left behind in #goodvibesonly - it further marginalizes already marginalized people. It leaves the people who need help the most unable to receive it. And in the larger context of how systemic oppression works in our culture, it supports white supremacy, the patriarchy and colonialist capitalism. Let's do better than that.
Project Miracle begins today! Do Lesson 1 with me:
(The journaling downloads I mention in the video are available in the classroom - you'll need to register to get them)
Project Miracle has generated hundreds of miracles already.
It's a sturdy container for calling in what you need most.
Join us here for the full 30 days.
Project Miracle is starting on September 1.
I am running a special session of Project Miracle, starting September 1.
There are 4 months left in 2020, that’s plenty of time to turn this shit show of a year around.
✨ Get GROUNDED in giving yourself what you need in these strange times so you can act more POWERFULLY from where you are.
✨ Get CLEAR on how you want to move through this time personally and professionally.
✨Bring the full force of your CREATIVE AND SPIRITUAL POTENTIAL to how you are meeting this moment.
For $33 USD (!)
I got an email from someone who is struggling with her dream because she's got this situation in her life that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to move forward.
I get emails like this pretty regularly, so I though I'd make a video with some ideas for what to do.
I believe there is always SOMETHING you can do - and that every little step you take moving towards a more meaningful and authentic life is worth taking.
Here are my thoughts:
View this post on Instagram
At the end of the video I am talking about the work of ENGAGING with this process.
I have a free class that helps with this!
Sign up here:
This summer has been a WHIRLWIND of activity behind the scenes at Creative Dream Headquarters. And now it's done! I've moved my whole business from Simplero to Access Ally, and Convert Kit.
This spring, I attended Rachel Rodgers’ Small Business Town Hall on creating equitable businesses (if you follow that link you can see the recording on that page - it's really good!)
I want to know what I can do to create more equality in the world, so I was REALLY happy about this town hall, which left me with a better understanding of what I can actually DO.
Long story short, my work after the Town Hall led me to discover that the owner of Simplero, who was the main supplier in my business (for hosting, automations, emails, my membership site + shopping cart), has taken a public and vocal stance against the dismantling of white supremacy.
This discovery was uncomfortable for me because of how HARD it is to move an online business like mine - like probably 3 months of work.
This led me to realize how often I had wanted to leave Simplero, and how trapped I felt by how hard it is to leave. The owner of Simplero has a long history of not following through on his promises, and many of those broken promises had negative repercussions on MY business - without an acknowledgement or apology.
I wrote all of these broken promises here, but then seeing them all in a list made me feel uncomfortable about sharing it in public. It felt gossipy and vindictive.
I will just say that when simply speaking the truth feels inflammatory you know you're not in a good situation.
So I left.
It took just over 2 months, and it was REALLY hard. It was also interesting to me that having this overwhelming all-consuming project actually helped take my mind off the state of the world, so that was an unexpected benefit. And this seemed like a good time to do it, since I am mostly quarantining at home anyway.
There were a lot of hurdles.
For example everyone I spoke to said it would be impossible to move the Creative Dream Circle the way it is (an active membership, with people receiving new content every week, and everyone in their own place in that content). I'd have to "end" the Circle and re-start it somewhere new. But Dream Book is an ONGOING course, I can't end it.
Finding the tech to support my vision was challenging. Most of the companies in this space are owned and run by men and have that same "tech bro vibe" that was frustrating me with Simplero.
Let me back up...
When I moved to Simplero in 2014, they had a totally different brand than what they have now. At that time they were marketing themselves as tools for spiritual entrepreneurs. They were talking about integrity in business, which I resonated with.
At that time, I WANTED to go with Access Ally. But it was out of reach both technology-wise and financially. Access Ally is a WordPress plug-in, so I would be putting it on MY website, so I would be responsible for security and functionality of the website. I just couldn't do that.
I chose to go with a third party option, a company that would host the classes themselves, and be responsible for that website. And I know that WAS the right choice at that time - a third party option is really good for a lot of online teachers and coaches!
The Dream comes to me
Access Ally HAD been out of reach but Simplero had re-structured their pricing plans (after promising to NEVER charge more for more contacts, or courses, or membership sites) and I was at the top tier, so at this point Access Ally is less expensive. And the internet has changed, I no longer feel comfortable on a regular shared hosting site for WordPress, so now I have premium secure hosting which means... Access Ally was no longer out of reach in any way.
Access Ally is a woman and minority owned business (VERY rare in this space) and they attended that same Town Hall are were also inspired and motivated by it.
And access Ally allows you to create a 100% customizable teaching website.
[It's AMAZING. And it's a HUGE GIGANTIC learning curve. Though they do have tons of tutorials and amazing support - it's not recommend to create a custom site on your own - here are a lot of Access Ally experts you can hire to help.]
I feels SO empowering to create my own platform for my work.
I got to do everything the way I wanted to do it!
100% customizable is so great... and so hard.
It means I did get to create every part of it just how I wanted to - but I had to CREATE every single thing, it wasn't already there for me.
The number of automations and moving parts to creating a functional online classroom is MIND BOGGLING. There were steep learning curves on steep learning curves.
I definitely overwhelmed my mind, which is already stressed from the current state of the world. I was getting vertigo and headaches almost every evening towards the end, my whole mind/body system was just over-taxed. (I had to give up coffee to keep them under control!) (I LOVE COFFEEEEEEE!)
(The headaches are gone now 🙌🏻 )
And then it was done.
I moved my people in late last week and set a whole day aside just for handing issues that may come up with the move... in this kind of project I don't know what I don't know, you know? But I had tested everything thoroughly. And Access Ally has AMAZING tutorials for every little thing.
And there were some hiccups of course. But on the whole everything went ok and we have an online home that FEELS LIKE HOME.
Access Ally needs a CRM for the automations, and I went with Convert Kit. The owner of Convert Kit was one of the presenters at that online town hall for equitable business which is where If found out about them. They are "tech bros" but they have outlined actions they are taking to be an anti-racist company and felt like the best option for me. They've also been helpful in getting my stuff moved over to them.
It was one of the Covert Kit people who showed me how to move everything WITHIN the active sequence - so making it possible to move my members to the new site without having them lose their place in Dream Book.
So yeah - that thing everyone said was impossible was completely possible - it did take just over 2 days, of just working on moving people, to move everyone, but I think that was 100% worth it.
Working with companies who are more in alignment with my values feels better.
I mean my new online classroom is WAY better. It's more flexible, more engaging and better looking.
The people who take care of the software CARE about the experience that my students have. And you can really see it in how the classroom works!
Simplero's values are more around supporting entrepreneurs in making more money. When there were issues with their classrooms, making it hard for my customers to engage - they didn't take those issues seriously because that's not where they are focused.
This experience showed me how important it is to understand MY values in a certain situation and then only work with people whose values match mine.
And I think I got better at spotting when people CLAIM to have a certain set of values but are actually acting from a different set of values.
I wish I had made this move sooner.
But I also know it all happened at just the perfect time.
My latest update as I move my whole business and learn tons of things in the process.
I had a pretty trippy dream last night.
It had some traumatic elements and some really fun elements woven together in that weird dream way - like Simone Grace was the person letting people in to the Canadian Video Music Awards, and I recognized her but she didn’t recognize me, but she did let me in!
But the main theme of the dream was betrayal, like betrayals on top of betrayals. And that left me feeling pretty uncomfortable this morning - kind of raw and sad, without knowing why.
My first reaction to waking up feeling this way is “NO! I can’t! I have so much to do that really needs clear-headedness today!”
But of course you can’t just “No I can’t!” your feelings away, not even dream-feelings. So I’m just sitting here, being with that feeling so I can process it and not have it interfere with my day.
First there is this rush to bullet-proof my life somehow to make sure I am never betrayed.
Then concern that I am being betrayed and I don’t know where and maybe this dream is trying to tell me something.
But the feelings starts to shift around and change when I come to: people are going to do what they’re going to do and I can’t control that, I actually trust myself to take care of myself whatever happens...
It’s the places where I betray MYSELF that are really brutal.
Then I feel a sense of forgiveness.
I’m realizing I have felt betrayed by the person who I was trusting with my online business operations. And that somewhere inside myself, I have blamed ME for making a wrong choice. Six years of 100% depending on them to keep everything operational… to then see that all the little red flags of course DO add up to something and they are NOT trustworthy.
But I’m not 100% sure I placed my trust in the wrong place, I believe I did the best I could with what I knew at the time AND this situation HAS taught me and next time I think I’ll see the truth sooner.
The act of taking my power back and taking control of this aspect of my business is… well not to be dramatic about it but it’s actually FLATTENING ME right now.
The volume of decisions to be made, the level of detail - my already-Covid-lessenened-mental-capacity is not up for this task.
At the same time, my creative self is THRILLED.
My dreams are THRILLED.
Yes, this is a rough patch where my dream is stretching me - but I've been in these places before and they always lead to something good. Like, this is how my dreams grow me, it’s always worked like this and by now I can trust the process.
So it’s kind of a weird place to be, of trusting the process AND being flattened by it at the same time.
The way I feel flattened right now - that’s similar to how the betrayal on betrayal felt in the dream.
Like I did betray myself to end up in this place?
Absolutely not.
I think that’s the toxic positivity+ love + light culture speaking.
That sense that if things are hard now that means I did something wrong. I wasn’t positive or loving enough so I am out of the flow. I am to blame. That’s bullshit but it’s so pervasive in our culture where we blame people for their hard knocks.
The thing is, this rough spot I’m in right now is GOOD. It’s the exact right place for me to be right now.
I’m being grown in the ways I need to grow to get to the next level.
This new online classroom I am creating is a HUGE “up levelling” for the Creative Dream Incubator. I get to create the VIBE and I am LOVING that.
And I get to decide how all of the behind-the-scenes stuff works in terms of how classes are delivered and accessed and this is REALLY cool because my classes are actually CONTAINERS FOR TRANSFORMATION so this way I get to set them up to be more flexible to support all the wild and wonderful and strange ways your transformation will occur.
I love that part.
It’s just that building more flexible systems is exponentially more work.
And I do want ME to be the one doing this work, building the container. Usually people hire experts to do this kind of work.
It’s kind of funny that I do have the skills for this. I have a Bachelor of Applied Arts in Fashion Design, I took a lot of courses in the elements and principles of design (which work for websites the same as for fashion) and visual communication. I taught myself html after university (which is easy to do online). I learned how to use Beaver Builder for WordPress a few years ago - a theme that allows me to put my ideas onto the pages of my website. I also learned how automations work to deliver course content over the last few years.
I have everything I need to do this.
OK wow.
I started writing this to help me process the feelings from my dream and now those feelings have cleared, I feel plugged back into my purpose + passion for this project and ready to get to work.
I think I am 1-2 weeks away from the move! But I thought the same thing 1 week ago, so who knows? When I get REALLY close, I will close registration for Dream Book, and will open it back up after everyone is moved.