We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.\
And check out the new Creative Dream Incubator RedBubble shop! THE MOST encouraging notebooks, zipper pouches, mugs, magnets, stickers + art prints.
Today everything feels hard. I don't want to do this practice. I don't want to do anything.
I have a commitment to do this work every day - using meditation and/or journaling to meet with my self and my dreams and figure out my next steps on the path.
As a teacher, it is important to me that I show up with this work EVERY DAY. Which means - finding ways to do the work even when I am not feeling it. (Which is a BIG theme in any creative life)
If I only share the parts where everything goes "well" - or share a bunch of "rags to riches" type stories about how I used to struggle and now I don't - tow things happen:
- I leave behind everyone who isn't always 100% happy + motivated
- I leave out the most important part of the process, the part where I use my own internal stucks as fuel and/or guidance for moving forward
Logically, I understand why it's important that I share my stuck + crabby parts too, but I'm still not 100% COMFORTABLE with it.
I am WAY more comfortable with it than I used to be, but still I have the internal voices that say "Really?! Stuck AGAIN?! WTF?! I thought you were this great coach."
Today things are hard AND today I am BRIMMING with opportunities for transformation.
A lot of my discomfort today is directly about peri-menopause - I got my period after 90 days and it's like my body saved up all of the crabbiness, aches, sensitivities + cramps of the last 90 days to throw them at me all at once.
But also I am in the mid-life re-visiting of my relationships and boundaries and it's like... my whole sense of where my boundaries should be has changed.
I keep surprising myself.
Someone said something kind of shitty to me the other day and while before I would stand up for myself to explain why they were wrong, now I'm not even wasting my energy with that because OF COURSE they are wrong. It's not worth my time to say anything. All I want to say is "Wow what's up with you that you're making such a shitty comment?" BUT I didn't even say that because - it's THEIR stuff, not mind, and I didn't want any part of it.
I just left it with them, energetically, in a way that I had not been able to before. I am GLEEFUL about what this could mean for me. How much bullshit can I just leave with other people and not even engage with, even as they're trying to throw it at me?
But onto my 30 days of Slow the fuck down! BE as creative, powerful + magnetic as you ARE journaling for today...
Everything feels hard this morning.
My body is achy and sensitive this morning.
Actually emotionally I feel achy and sensitive too. Mentally - just a cloud.
I had been lying in bed, thinking about BEING as creative, powerful and magnetic as I AM.
It's hard to feel into that version of me, when I feel like the version of me who is the furthest from that.
Which is interesting - my first day of this 30 days of meditation + journaling where I feel like the version of me who is the furthest from this. So how do I want to approach this?
Ha! The answer came very quickly - BEING WITH myself is always the most creative, powerful and magnetic thing I can do.
But, with all of this aching, I am actually trying to NOT be present at all. I just want to avoid this part, and be present again when everything is easier.
So. Hello aches. Hello sensitivity. Hello cloudy mental state. I am here with you.
My sad self really wants me to notice all of the ways I try to check out when things are hard.
Not be present. Not feel the discomfort.
I mean - of course I do. Who WANTS to feel shitty?
Trying to feel better IS self care. AND trying to leapfrog over my feelings is NOT helpful.
So where do I want to be with this, right now?
I want to name the things.
Stomach cramps.
The irritation that I have stomach cramps.
The sadness that my body feels so fragile.
The frustration that I am not having the morning I wanted to have.
The fear that... hmmm, can't quite name it, just fear swirling around in there.
The exhaustion.
The mental fog.
The anger about the mental fog because didn't I go through the whole pandemic in a fog and isn't it time to be out of it?
The little worry that I won't ever finish the Year of Dreams 2023.
The fear that I won't ever be as focused and productive as I was pre-pandemic.
The knowing that it's not just a fear - I WON'T be focused and productive in the ways I was.
The little thread of trust that I will find a new way to do things which will be different but good, if not different but better.
The little flash of hope that it will be different but WAY better.
The heaviness in my body.
The sensitivity to heat - I've just had enough summer I can't even.
And now I really want to lay on the floor so I will go do that.
I'm going to use the Dream Self meditation to connect with the part of me who IS as creative, powerful and magnetic as I AM and come back to this when I am done...
(This is one of the meditations we work with in Dream Book)
OK that was so good!
Lying on the floor always helps me get into my body.
From being IN my body, it doesn't feel like "checking out" to say - "I need to take an Advil for these cramps". It feels like "self care".
Lying down made it easier to get into the meditation, and I saw right away that BEING my most creative, powerful and magnetic self means being with myself wherever and however I am.
There will be crabby achy days. And they are easier to deal with when I am WITH myself, present in my body.
So then I:
- took advil
- put in a new sumemr caftan I just made in a silky cotton in BRIGHT orange and pink
- went out for iced coffee + a bagel + journaling in the coffee shop patio (went to the closest place as I jsut felt too tired + achy for a long bike ride)
- went to the grocery store since it's near that coffee shop, and got stuff to make amazing taco salads for this week
- roasted a ton of veggies, made black beans, got all meal-prepped
The simplest things I can do towards taking care of my needs IS the most powerful move, when I feel like not showing up.
And, now that I am meal prepped and I have been out on my bike and done journaling etc - I feel ready to dive into my creative work.
I *MADE SPACE* for the day I want to have - enjoying my creative project.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.\
And check out the new Creative Dream Incubator RedBubble shop! THE MOST encouraging notebooks, zipper pouches, mugs, magnets, stickers + art prints.
Look around your life. Is anything changing?
Are you starting to feel differently about anything? Are you starting to ACT different in any part of your life?
I started my commitment to "slow the fuck down" in July. For most of July I found this extremely challenging, for a lot of different reasons.
This month it's a lot easier and I am noticing something really interesting.
I am working on a project (the Year of Dreams 2023).
Usually I would:
- break everything own into small steps - to help me not feel overwhelmed or worried I will lose things
- each week try to do AS MANY steps as possible - basically race to the finish
It never FELT like a race, it FELT like being excited to get the project done.
BUT... after 6 weeks of deliberately slowing down, looking back to that, it FEELS like a race.
What I do now is just pick a few things to do each week, in terms of the more administrative details. Plus make time to play with the creative part of it every week. Let my actual energy levels and creative flow guide the timeline.
It's definitely taking more time than I had wanted it to, but I am actually really happy about how I FEEL while working on it, and I am happy with how the project is evolving differently, with more time.
The other thing I am noticing: creative capacity issues.
Pre-pandemic, I was always looking for ways to increase and nurture my creative capacity and this work FELT nurturing.
During the pandemic, 2020 and 2021, I was dismayed by how small my capacity became. I felt like I wasn't resilient enough.
2022 I am ACCEPTING my capacity is what it is.
For the summer, with this commitment to slow down, I've stayed away from the edges of my capacity.
Which, as I've said so many times, is soooo uncomfortable for me.
But 6 weeks in I am getting the hang of it.
And I am noticing this beautiful thing: my capacity is changing.
By not pushing it to the limits every day, it's... I don't know, healing? It has space to breathe? It's happier?
My creativity feels deeper and more playful.
As I've been working on the Year of Dreams - new ideas are coming in. It's like there is more space for my ideas to grow and evolve.
I am just loving this.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.\
And check out the new Creative Dream Incubator RedBubble shop! THE MOST encouraging notebooks, zipper pouches, mugs, magnets, stickers + art prints.
What does it mean to be your most magnetic self?
You draw good things to you.
Magnetic implies: you draw in what you ARE. Which, in a world ruled by white supremacy and the patriarchy, goes off the rails pretty fast if it’s the only lens through which you look at the world.
The law of attraction is a spiritual law which operates uniformly, like the law of gravity - is what proponents of the law of attraction teach.
Let’s remember where our teaching about the law of attraction came from.
White settlers in North America, and colonialists in Europe, mostly men. Living in a world where the superiority of white men was taken as fact.
And, feeling superior to everyone, some of these men read the spiritual teachings from around the world and, from their wildly limited perspectives, took out the “gems” of each teaching and collaged them into their own philosophy: New Thought.
This was happening in a culture that didn’t see the difference between “cultural appreciation” and genocide. (And for the most part our culture STILL doesn’t see this)
It was the colonization of Indigenous spirituality. The cherry-picking of ideas, stripped of all context.
And it works for a lot of people. I found it helpful I became a teacher and counsellor in new thought movement.
But I was always looking to figure out: why doesn’t it work equally well for everyone?
This was 15 years ago. It was a time when I didn’t even see the lack of diversity in this community, which, had I see it then, would have given me some clues about why it didn’t work equality for everyone.
One thing that became apparent in my explorations at that time was - the people who avoid their feelings have difficulty manifesting what they really want. And then similarly - the people who get stuck in their feelings have difficulty too.
And so my work has always included emotional processing + intelligence as a big part of it. Over the years I have learned even more how important this is.
And today, with a much greater understanding trauma and external systems of oppression it’s super obvious why the law of attraction can’t work equally for everyone in this world.
And so, in my work with the Creative Dream Incubator, naming these things and the ways they dull our dreams has become an important part of my work. Because this is a part of the work of dismantling external systems of oppression and becoming trauma informed - with the goal that each generation has less trauma than the last, and so dreams become easier and easier for everyone.
Because I always believe that our dreams can save the world. They help show us who we are.
So how do we become more magnetic?
How do you BE a magnet for your dreams?
By engaging with them. By going deeper. By showing up consistently to show your dreams they can trust you. By making space for them to manifest in your life.
These are the things we do in Dream Book, with practices that make it easier to show up for all 3 aspect of this work: Dream Work, Inner Work, Outer Work.
Most of us are out of balance with at least one of these three paths, and so focusing on the one that you are weakest with can make a big difference. Also having practices that make it easier to engage with each of these paths makes a huge difference. You don’t have to re-invent the wheel each time.
How do you FEEL more magnetic?
Argh. Well. Bring this question into your body. What’s your honest reaction to it?
Whatever it is, explore it. That will help find your answer.
Unprocessed feelings are usually in the way of FEELING magnetic. And as long as we are alive, life just keeps giving us more feelings to process!
This is why I teach HAVING A PRACTICE for this work.
Having a consistent safe space for doing this work is a must.
Having INVITING tools is a must.
Having space to be where you are and feel how you feel and not make that wrong, is a must.
Giving yourself time and space and support to grow into your most creative and expansive self is a must.
(This is what we do in Dream Book, you are always welcome to join)
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.\
And check out the new Creative Dream Incubator RedBubble shop! THE MOST encouraging notebooks, zipper pouches, mugs, magnets, stickers + art prints.
Today I'm back in the tangles. In a very good way.
This week I talked about how doing this work doesn’t necessarily change anything in your outer life - at first. And to be patient with that part, focus on showing up for the practice, and let any change come in it’s own time.
Today I set a totally new boundary with the most difficult person in my life.
I didn’t tell them, because they are hostile and erratic right now, and I know me speaking my truth would set them off. But I have MADE the boundary. I feel it. I am holding it - I am dis-engaging in a way I have never been willing to do before.
This is my most powerful self in action.
Protecting my most creative self, and holding space for her to have what she needs.
This also creates space for my most magnetic self to shine.
I have shied away from really exploring what/who my most magnetic self even means.
I have had a lot of other things to explore. AND I have been avoiding it a bit. And I was writing that part above I realized - ok now is time to look at it.
I didn’t pick the words: creative powerful magnetic.
My dream sent them to me, with this invitation to explore them deeper, and to invite you to explore with me.
I did a 4 year training program to be a spiritual teacher in an organization that teaches the law of attraction. Though at this point that feels like a lifetime ago.
I do understand the law of attraction teachings much better than the average “law of attraction coach”. AND I shy away from “magnetic”.
There are *so many* problematic issues with how the law of attraction is taught, and in the communities that are created around it.
Does that mean I don’t think we can be magnetic AF? No.
And I know that our creative work is especially magnetic. It has the power to draw it’s right people to it.
Still, a part of me feels annoyed with my dream for sending me this word. Another part of me feels sooooo excited to explore it. Another part of me want to be cautious, and figure out some ground rules.
I’m taking this “‘let’s be cautious” me into the Un-Sticking Station.
(This is one of the tools we use in Dream Book. for un-sticking the inner obstacles. I use this one all the time.)
So, hey. I don’t necessarily disagree with being cautious, but you have such a strong “whoa be careful” vibe going on there, I’d love to discuss this. What do you think?
I think we need to be careful.
Sure. What is it that we are being careful ABOUT?
Speaking about “drawing things to you” like a clueless ass. Giving the impression that oppressive systems don’t play a role in how our lives play out, it's all just our thoughts. Supporting the idea that you can spiritual by-pass your way into your dreams, and that if you haven’t done that yet, it’s all your fault because you think wrong. Being super trauma-un-informed and blind about privilege.
Oh yes, I don’t want to do any of those things.
But those things are happening amongst the people who are taking about “being more magnetic”. How will you be different?
By being me.
How is that enough?
It’s not, necessarily, enough. I get that. There are all of these… ways of seeing…. In that whole community and it’s hard to talk about being magnetic with plugging into those ways of seeing. I want to talk about it in a totally different way - which is actually what I DO, when help people plug in deeper to their own power, creativity and wisdom.
But you don’t use words like magnetic out in public. Using this word brings us into new territory.
Yes, but it wasn’t me who picked the world. Our dream picked the word. And we trust our dream, right?
Well. Fuck.
Yeah, I hear that. But can’t do Dream Work with conditions. Partnering with your dream means PARTNERING. Not cherry-picking what parts I want to hear. Not that I have to obey it either, but this doesn’t feel a like a case where I need to push back against my dream. It feels right to explore this. AND a part of it feels scary. So let’s explore WHAT is scary about it more deeply, so we know what to do about it.
It’s just scary to be misunderstood. To be lumped in with something that is against my values.
True. AND every time I write about myself online, I am misunderstood.
Well, yeah. But I think this will be more extreme. And that’s scary.
You’re right. Also I don’t want to write defensively and constantly saying “I’m not talking about ignoring the role privilege plays in manifesting, or victim blaming or spiritual bypassing”
Yeah that’s the other fear. That I can’t write coherently because of that.
OK sitting with this, a new feeling is stirring.
I feel excited to do this. Excited to try anyway, to find a way to talk about “feeling like a dream magnet” without plugging into unconscious privilege or spiritual bypass.
Because it IS easier for people with more intersections of privilege to draw their dreams to them. So we NEED more people with fewer intersects of privilege to become more magnetic for their dreams - because everyone’s dreams are needed and the world is SO lopsided right now.
And I actually now A LOT about this. The tangle is: talking about it IN PUBLIC. Inside Dream Book this is actually what I do every day.
WOW.
This feels completely different right now. I feel energized and inspired.
I bet you anything tomorrow I will write something helpful about FEELING MAGNETIC.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.\
And check out the new Creative Dream Incubator RedBubble shop! THE MOST encouraging notebooks, mugs, magnets, stickers + art prints.
I created this page in my journal with "Slow the fuck down!" on one side and "BE as creative, powerful and magnetic as you ARE" on the other.
Then I freestyle journaled about each one, just giving myself some space to consider everything I think/feel/know about each.
This gave me space to see my whole process from a bird's eye perspective.
I did this a few weeks ago, when I was still mostly exploring all of my layers of reactions to the "slow the fuck down!" part.
What would the world look like if we are all
BEING
as creative, powerful and magnetic as we
ARE?
It wouldn't look like the world does today.
But sometime (always?) when we think about being MORE creative, powerful, magnetic, or other qualities...
We're still thinking about this from within the same paradigm that has us trapped, in some ways.
There are ways that colonialism, capitalism, white supremacy and the patriarchy have infected our ways of seeing ourselves, the world, our possibilities, and what is possible for the world to become.
So, when I think of being MORE creative my brain will begin my looking towards things that would more accurately be described as more PRODUCTIVE.
But it FEELS like more creativity to me.
And it SEEMS like more creativity if I am looking at it using a scale from less art produced to more art produced.
But is that the right scale?
What would a better scale be?
How I FEEL about the art while I'm making it? (getting warmer!)
How I FEEL about the art when I look at it after? (getting colder)
How other people feel about it? (much colder)
How much money I can make from it? (cold)
We all know that there are lots of stupid ways to measure creativity. What's the BEST way?
My immediate answer is: how it feels in my heart. There is a feeling I get when I am making art, and it feels like "THIS is what I am here to DO"
I have never, not once, gotten that feeling from marketing my work. Though I have felt REALLY GOOD about creating sales pages, etc, because it feels good to share the art that I know I am here to make...
Still, it's not the same vibe.
And so of one way of defining MORE creative could mean MORE of that feeling...
Doing more of what generates that feeling...
But that must mean doing less of what doesn't generate that feeling, right?
And how do I do that? Where do I want to create a balance between taking care of the practicalities of my life and giving my time to the things that generate that feeling?
Sitting with all of the questions that this sparks.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.
For this challenge, I designed mugs, notebooks, magnets and stickers with the "Slow the fuck down. BE as creative, powerful and magnetic as you ARE" on them - they are here.
Today my practice is really dull.
I am enjoying this delicious sensation of “having the time to remember what an all-round magical + creative being I am”.
When I meditate on the theme I just feel more YESSSSS.
And I have nothing to journal about other than - this feels so much easier than it did last week. Yay!
It’s boring. And that’s ok.
I just spent my minimum amount of time with this, and now I am going to go on to do what I feel instead and exited about - the Year of Dreams 2023. (As pictured)
The weekly and monthly planners and the planning cutouts (so people who have a planner they like can still use Creative Dream Incubator planning + journaling prompts in their planner) are done! Now I am working on the New Year journaling kit.
So I’m going to share something I wrote last month when I had first started exploring our theme:
You don't need to change yourself.
Spending time journaling and reflecting, especially on the same topic for 30 days (or longer) in a row, may lead you to see things in a new light which leads to changes in your behaviour or new ideas for things to try with your dreams. It does have the potential to change EVERYTHING.
But that "outer change" part is not the goal.
The only goal is to show up for your practice and BE WITH whatever is there for you that day - if that's new ideas or lots of fears and resistance or boredom or... literally whatever is there, that's what you be with.
I believe that at the end of the 30 days you'll know what, if anything, you want to DO with all of this.
Try not to even think about it before then.
Just keep going. Even if it's hard to do because it brings up a lot of uncomfortable questions (like it was for me last week). Even if it's boring (like it is for me right now). Even if it's ______ <-- fill in this blank with whatever reason your mind is giving you for why this is not worth doing.
Just keep going. And each day, journal about how it's going for you.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.
For this challenge, I designed mugs, notebooks, magnets and stickers with the "Slow the fuck down. BE as creative, powerful and magnetic as you ARE" on them - they are here.
(This is the Year of Dreams 2022 printable planner - the Year of Dreams 2023 will be out this month! It's much more flexible with planner cutouts you can use with my hand-drawn monthly or weekly planner - or with your own favourite planner or bullet journal.)
Why are we so resistant to slowing down and resting?
After all, rest is the most simple and obvious solution to burnout, overwhelm, exhaustion - a lot of the things we're all feeling right now.
And yet I keep seeing people (including myself) looking for a magic pill to not feel these things without taking the time to rest and slow down. Maybe if I eat better, or switch from coffee to mushroom drinks or find the right supplement or herbalist...
Is it not worth questioning the stories we tell about why we absolutely cannot slow down? Or exploring the guilt, shame or fear that come up when we try?
Is it not worth exploring the bigger picture of WHY so many of us are burned out? Like what is it, about the culture we live in, that is creating an epidemic of burnout? And how could we potentially CHANGE the culture to be healthier all around?
Because focusing on nutrition and exercise is the individualist approach, and I think it’s the individualist approach that got us into this mess.
We’re simply trying to do more than we can do because we have unreasonable expectations and insufficient support systems.
And this impacts us all in so many different ways.
So. Let’s keep showing up. Each day, each tiny thing we do to get more rest and/or explore how all of this is playing out in your life, counts.
On Mondays I do Creative Genius Planning, so I am going to keep doing that this month, while bringing our theme for the month into my weekly planning.
I have not been using the Creative Genius Planning videos lately - and that has felt right as I've been wanting to slow down and re-fill the well.
But last week I noticed I really do need more direction with my projects, and goals for how I want to move them forward each week.
So the plan this week is to plan, and to keep lots of space for rest + creativity, too.
Inside Dream Book there are seven different Creative Genius Planning videos for different situations. But I have shared the basic practice video on my blog, and that's the one I decided to use this week.
So you can do that with me here. (If you're in Dream Book get all 7 videos to chose the one that fits best for your week here)
Will stop writing here, go do that, and come back....
ARGH!!
Every time I listen to this video I ask myself: why do I ever skip it?
So often, I feel like it's not wroth the time, I can just ask myself "what do I need this week?" and especially lately as I have been deliberately living more space in my calendar for the summer - it's like why even bother with this?
Why bother because: I feel SO GOOD following this video. It shifts my energy. It helps me connect to myself and my dreams.
AND after I have more of a clear container for my week - any time I feel lost or stuck I have these notes to help me find my way.
Just writing out what I want to do while in that space of feeling connected to my creative genius and believing myself makes SUCH a difference.
And this is HUGE for BEING my most creative, powerful and magnetic self.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.
For this challenge, I designed mugs, notebooks, magnets and stickers with the "Slow the fuck down. BE as creative, powerful and magnetic as you ARE" on them - they are here.
On Fridays I do a series of reflective journaling prompts.
I've been doing this for about 8 years - with the same prompts - and sharing it inside the Creative Dream Circle.
This weekly practice helps me figure out what I am learning and what I need anyhow to move forward for the next week.
Some of these prompts don't really make sense being shared outside of that container, so I decided to post a shortened version of it this month. While you are doing the 30 days of journaling and meditation, it's really helpful to look back each week and what you learned and what that might tell you about what to do next.
Last week’s focus was:
Get the 30 days of journaling + meditation started and let it be DELICIOUS.
What happened in the last week?
A lot of it was delicious, but a lot of it was really hard, too. Resistance, self doubt, frustration, boredom - all the usual suspects came out to play.
I started the daily posts, and found it wasn't as complicated as it seemed to do this in a public way. I am adding extra update videos on Instagram some days, and then not doing it on the days I don't have anything else to say. Before I thought I needed a plan for things like that, and I am finding just being in my creative flow with it feels good.
For me, having solid/clear/thoughtful plans can feel like safety. So when doing something that is stretching my comfort zone, I want to bring that safety in.
AND
Having it all planned out in advance can keep me from really being present in the process.
I like where I am balancing those things right now.
What am I learning/How do I feel about this?
I still feel I am in a steep learning curve around creating this new "expanded art + writing practice" that I am dreaming of. I've been getting the outer stuff in place - working on my new studio space. But there is SO MUCH inner stuff to work through.
What do I need now?
Sitting with this question and feeling uncomfortable with it then something came to me - a fun creative project. I feel overwhelmed by most of my project ideas. What if there was something really simple and fun?
I have been meaning to macramé around this hanging lap cord I have - I bought macrame cord to match the lamp (an orange star) over a year ago! I could just sit down and start that. I could get that done in a few days, and the doing would give me space to think about what project I want to do next. I FEEL BEST WHEN I HAVE CREATIVE PROJECTS ON THE GO, in all caps to really remind myself of how important this is.
Taking all of this into account, my focus for the next week is:
Keep going with the daily meditation and journaling on: Slow the fuck down! BE as creative, powerful and magnetic as you ARE.
I've done so much to explore the slow down part already, I really want to focus on exploring the qualities of creativity, power and magnetism and what they mean to me now.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.
For this challenge, I designed mugs, notebooks, magnets and stickers with the "Slow the fuck down. BE as creative, powerful and magnetic as you ARE" on them - they are here.
After yesterday’s meditation I had a realization:
Last month I had decided to put away my business goals for this year. Working on them felt too daunting but also I felt like I didn’t actually want them anymore, and I wanted to figure out what I DO want.
The realization was: I very much DO want those goals. But I also very much DO NOT want to go about them in the ways I have been.
And thinking back over the last 12 years - I have been so happy about HOW I have created and grown this business - all of the ways I have figured out how to stay true to myself and my values AND make money.
But as happy and free as I have felt about HOW I do things these last 12 years, it no longer feels happy and free.
I am now super aware of all of the places where I feel….. I don’t quite have the right words yet. Oppressed and impacted by capitalism and this toxic culture is the closest I can come, though I am aware that is not a feeling. I mean, are we ever truly free of it, when we live in it? This idea that you can make enough money to be free of capitalism is complete nonsense. Capitalism isn’t just about money.
But back to my realization:
I do still want what I want, and I know I want to go about it in a whole new way and I know some of the QUALITIES of this new way (creative, free, playful, expansive, healing, aligned)...
but I have no clue what this actually looks like.
ARGH. So many times I have had clients some to me with this exact same problem. And I always say “Excellent. You have a vague sense of how you want it to be, that’s more than enough to start with.”
But being on the other side, just having a vague sense of it, actually feels painful.
To know what I want only vaguely, and not know how to get there! It’s a space that invites in self doubt very easily.
Yesterday I felt optimistic about being able to figure out a whole new way to do things, and I saw what my next steps are: to create a new set of Alchemy Wheels for my goals.
Alchemy Wheels are one of the best tools we use in Dream Book that help you map out the inner and outer paths to do what you want to do, by focusing on the practices that support you in doing the work AND staying completely non-linear and following your own feelings/inspiration/energy in any given moment.
This morning I was riding my bike to the park for coffee + journaling and thinking about the new alchemy wheels I would create and then….. it happened.
As I said, this space of wanting to do something new and not seeing the way yet, is very vulnerable to inner critic attacks.
My inner critic attacked.
All of the “Why bother? What is the point? You’ll never pull this off” voices started to go off. I started to feel defeated.
And then I started to feel angry. How do I STILL have this much self doubt and anxiety about my dreams?
So that’s where I am focusing today.
I am using the Un-Sticking Station (another favourite Dream Book tool) to meet with my feelings that I won’t be able to figure this out.
While using the meditation, I had something surprising happen - instead of my working with my “stuck self” I had three different selves show up:
- Anxiety, self doubt + fear (one self, all tangled up in this stuff)
- Anger + frustration about being stuck
- I just want to give up on all of this
These are a lot of feelings to hold at once. I mean - no wonder I can’t figure out my next steps with all of this happening.
Drawing them out helped me see that these are all valid responses. Of course I feel self doubt and fear and anxiety and then of course I feel frustrated and angry about that and then of course I just want to give up.
So, starting with the me who wants to give up:
Can you tell me what, exactly, you want to give up on here?
All of it actually. Isn’t there a simpler way to live? Everything feels so complicated.
We are living on a planet in a culture that is actively killing the planet. And that's just the tip of the iceberg! This IS complicated.
But it’s not! It shouldn’t be! Your life is a miracle. YOU are a miracle. Can’t you just feel that way all the time?
I sure would like to. So when you say you want to give up on everything - you mean all of the complicated parts of life? You still want to enjoy life?
I want to sew and make art and write and make guided journals. I want to wake up and appreciate the sun shine and the opportunity for a new day. I want to feel energized and enthusiastic about my life and what I am doing.
Yeah, I want all of that too.
Let me guess, you’re going say “but we live in reality”
Well we actually do live in reality.
[We just sit with this a minute]
I have to think about the hard things. You cannot do ANY of those things you mentioned if I am not paying the bills!
Oh shit. That’s right.
But I hear you, and I love you, and I don’t think your needs should be steamrolled by practicalities. What if we make this need to enthusiastically enjoy life be equal to the need to pay bills and take care of all of the practical stuff that we’d rather ignore?
[Then I realise - this has been a week of a LOT of dumb errands. I do feel like my energy gets sucked into these things I’d rather not do. This part of me being all sulky is such a valid response to this AND there just are times when I have a lot of dumb errands to do.]
OK back to my drawing. Seems like anger + frustration is the next one to talk to.
Hello, anger + frustration.
ARRRGGGRRROOOWWWWLLLL
Yeah, I feel that.
It is SO unfair that I/you/we STILL have all of this self doubt about doing new things! This is complete bullshit!
Yeah, not just that but we also have all new levels of anxiety thanks to peri-menopause.
[Anger + frustration is kind of bowled over by me just noticing and stating how this has been hard]
Hey, I am not here to admonish you or tell you to feel differently. That’s not the point of the Un-Sticking process. It’s just that you, and the others, are all feeling so much, so intensely, it leaves me no clear way forward. I want to work with you, not obliterate you.
I always forget that part. When I am SO angry I just end up being angry at everything.
That makes sense. So do you want to tell me more about what you’re really angry and frustrated about?
I’ve just been doing this for so long. So why do I STILL doubt myself? Why is it STILL scary to start something new?
I would also ask - where does the assumption come from, that it should get easier?
Oh! Shit.
Yeah.
[This reminds me, I have been wanting to write a thing about white supremacy, the holistic wellness movement and eugenics - about where our notion that “things should be easy” and also "things are easy for GOOD people and if you struggle that means you're doing something wrong" actually comes from]
But it’s totally valid to feel angry and frustrated that this feels hard. AND it’s totally valid that this IS hard. Both are true. How does this feel for you?
I think my anger wants to protect you/me/us from how hard it is sometimes. But - it actually can’t.
Well, what it does is get in the way of me FEELING all of that self doubt. So it is protective in that way. But that means I can’t process or work through it, so I just get stuck in it.
So I am not actually helping.
But isn’t that life though? We do our best, we try to help, but we can still unintentionally cause harm.
That is life. And of course I’ll get angry about it sometimes.
How does this feel now?
I feel settled. I’m proud that I tried to protect you, and I get that how I was doing it wasn’t helping.
OK then, on to self doubt, anxiety + fear.
How are you feeling?
I’ve been listening to these other conversations. I appreciate how much these other parts of me/you/us want what is best for me. I think I was in a very reactive and immature place - I go there VERY easily. But this space to validate and process feelings, this listening to you talk with the others, helped me come back to myself.
Self doubt is a reactionary pattern, it’s not the truth of who I am. The anxiety and fear get triggered by the self doubt. (And parts of the anxiety are triggered by other things and then it all gets confused)
Do you need anything from me?
I need you to not give up. One of the easiest ways to soothe self doubt is to look at the life I/you/we have created. How could I doubt that I can do this next thing, when I look at all we’ve already done?
Yeah, I feel that.
We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.
For this challenge, I designed mugs, notebooks, magnets and stickers with the "Slow the fuck down. BE as creative, powerful and magnetic as you ARE" on them - they are here.
Today I woke up super early, and did the meditation.
This time the “BE as creative, powerful, and magnetic as you ARE” came up as the thing to explore.
I filled my body with that energy and then fell back asleep. I woke up feeling amazing.
There is so much I want to share about the magic of slowing down but it’s the other part of this that I am really feeling today.
I am creative, powerful, and magnetic.
AND I can lose sight of that when I am caught up in my to-do lists.
I can start to feel like it’s the DOING that gets me to where I want to be.
Though I know it’s not 100% the BEING that gets me there either.
How do I want to balance the BEing with the DOing?
This is one of the big questions for me right now.
It’s ALWAYS been a part of my work - both my own personal process and what I support my clients and groups with.
Sometimes we talk about this as a spectrum between BEing and DOing.
But it’s more dimensional than that.
I mean - doing or not doing is not actually related to being or not being.
So, what I REALLY want to explore is:
HOW do I want to BE? Which aspects of myself do I want to live most in alignment with? What’s changing about how I want to be in my personal and professional lives?
HOW do I want to DO? What drives the doing? Which part of me is in charge of how the doing gets done? There is a LOT of auto-pilot stuff here - some helpful and some not. How do I shift through that? What are the overarching QUALITIES I want to bring to my approach to doing?
This starts to feel all vague and ethereal and like I am just going to come up with more questions than I could ever answer.
This is good!
This is a good way to explore. Questions are expansive. Most answers are not.
Try to stay open to ALL of the questions that come up for you.
And as more questions come up - sit with those questions too, and journal about that. Be with the feelings that come up. Follow the rabbit holes of new ideas that are sparked.
Don't rush to find the fastest answer, give yourself space to really be with the questions and all the things they bring up for you. That's what a reflective meditation and journaling practice is all about.