Last night I wrote in my planner: Why is my journal project stalled?

I’ve started writing QUESTIONS in my planner. This feels revolutionary. Since our Structure Habits Routines explorations I’ve been more consistent about using my planner, and more creative about how I use it.

I have permission now: it doesn’t have to look like my pre-pandemic planners looked like. I’m not that plan-happy person anymore.

I do write in what I want to do each day. I draw my meditations from the Monday Co-Dreaming calls, to hold that energy with me all week. I write out goals for the week for my journal project and track my progress.

And that - tracking the progress - feels SO helpful.

Because I can see right now that progress is slowing.

It FEELS stalled, progress is still happening but not like it was.

So - what’s up with that?

I sit with it and see there are:

• My feelings about the project
• My feelings about the process
• The other projects that are tapping me on the shoulder and asking for attention

The thing that stands out is:

A week ago I felt THRILLED by this whole thing. I loved the way the pages look, I love what the pages say.

This week I feel UNCERTAIN about the whole thing. I am second-guessing some of the artwork AND writing.

And I feel SCARED about feeling UNCERTAIN. It sparks new questions:

What if this sucks?

What if I suck?

What if I’ve been on the wrong path with this? This has been SO LONG in the making!

What if all of my other ideas suck too?

OK so now I see we are definitely in Un-Sticking Station territory!

Bringing the fear into the Un-Sticking Station:

It’s a bug of some kind. I want to say praying mantis but I don’t know anything about praying mantis including who they look. But it’s standing with it’s arms in prayer pose.

It’s in a cave-like place, with light coming from behind it. Feels sacred and safe.

Why are you here?

This is my safe space.

Why are you upset?

You disturbed my safe space.

Ahhhh I see.

This project is too scary - I mean this particular journal but also the whole move to doing ALL the journal ideas you have. BUYING NEW MARKERS FOR IT!!!!

The markers scared you?

You invested in this.

I’ve invested so much time already, that’s way more than the value of the markers.

Yeah true I guess that happens incrementally and the markers was this thing I could see. It woke me up.

So you’re ok with me investing in this project incrementally?

I was, but I was always going to get upset if it got a place where you would actually SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.

I mean, THE WHOLE WORLD is not paying attention to me. I was going to share it with the people who are paying attention to me. These are people who already like/support my work.

People could hate-follow you.

Wow, you live in a sacred cave and you know about hate-following?

I hear things in here!

OK, but if anyone hate-follows me then that’s their thing, that has nothing to do with me, right? They’re not going to buy this journal. My work isn’t for them. So aren’t they irrelevant?

Yeah but they might DO something.

Like what? Tell me I suck?

Yeah.

You’re already doing that though?

Bug bursts into tears.

I give it a hug.

Listen, sweetheart, I love you. I mean - you live here in this safe scared cave because I made this space for you where you don’t have to be so present in the scary world, right? Like, that cave shows the healing work we’ve done together over the years, doesn’t it?

Yeah, I love it here. But I’m scared that this new project might crack a hole in the cave.

Oh, I see. Yes that’s a valid fear.

It is!!!

But telling me I suck isn’t a valid way to handle it.

No, you’re right.

So what are we going to do? I really want to go back to feeling excited and inspired about this project.

I guess we keep doing what we’ve always done. You want to do the things you want to do, and deep down I want that for you too, so I’ll let you know when it gets too scary for me and we can reinforce the walls.

I do want to keep doing what we’ve always done, as it giving you space to have your feelings but “reinforcing the wall” feels a bit off. Like - what if I can help you feel more brave and sure and safe WITHOUT thicker walls? What if we could even let some sunlight in here? It feels like you’ve been in a healing cocoon and that’s fantastic but also - is it really forever? Is it time for some…

The bug cuts me off and is immediately out in a meadow of flowers.

I can be safe here! I feel safe! But also I can breathe out here.

The bug is not a praying mantis anymore. I’m not sure what it is. It’s setting up a hammock attached to wildflowers.

Ha! In Monday’s Co-Dreaming call on How Easy Can It Be my dream showed me that it was strong enough for me to string a hammock to it and rest.

I was going to take the day off and go to the beach. I usually go to the beach at least once a week in the summer and I haven’t been there once. Then I decided - the heat is exhausting this year I know being in the water is refreshing but everything else? I don’t actually want to.

But what if I lay around inside in air conditioning and read books?

This is NOT the answer I was looking for about why the journal project is stuck but I am going to trust it for today, and come back to this tomorrow.

It seems logical to me that my fear needing a day of rest today IS the thing that can help me re-connect with the magic of this project and create a more creative day tomorrow.

UPDATE:

After writing this I wanted to open the program where I have the artwork for this project... and I was inspired! Things felt good! The things that didn't feel good - I had ideas for what to change. I had written this post in a coffee shop and spent TWO MORE HOURS there drawing! Back in the flow!

The Un-Sticking Station is not always this fast, but I sure appreciate when it is.

Exploring your Post-Pandemic self is today!

This is for Dream Book members only - get the call details here.

 

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with. Or go to the Structure Habits Routines class (it's staying there so you can go through the prompts in your own time)

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab which is what I am using for my dream meeting drawings.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.

It feels like there is so much happening INSIDE that there is no space for anything to happen on the OUTSIDE.

I did a Dream Meeting and got this:

My dream is a chrysalis in a ball of light.

I spelled chrysalis wrong and I just want to say - spelling and grammar are COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT in journaling. Trying to follow those kinds of external rules can pull you out of listening to your inner voice, you just need to understand what you wrote, it doesn't need to win a spelling competition.

It feels beautiful and hopeful and SO FUCKING VAGUE.

I want more clarity but it's just not here.

Trying to accept both the frustration for more clarity and the fact that now is not the time for clarity.

Exploring your Post-Pandemic self is tomorrow!

This is for Dream Book members only - get the call details here.

 

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with. Or go to the Structure Habits Routines class (it's staying there so you can go through the prompts in your own time)

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab which is what I am using for my dream meeting drawings.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.

I'm trying to think of a delicate way to say this but maybe it just needs to be said awkwardly:

We're too judgy!!!

We have a really fucked up "standard" for how we think things, and people, should be.

This is wayyyyy worse in the holistic wellness/new age/life your best life communities than it is elsewhere, but it's everywhere.

Positive is better than negative.

Confidence is better than doubt.

Healthy is better than sick or disabled.

High energy is better than tired.

WE NEED TO GIVE OURSELVES THE GRACE OF HAVING OUR FULL AND ACTUAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Pushing yourself to always be positive and productive can lead to greater success in capitalism but allowing yourself to BE who you ARE helps you have WHOLENESS.

It gives your magic.

And yes - I'm talking about how we apply these things to ourselves but of course this is a mirror for the culture we live in and the ways that people who don't or can't conform are treated.

There is magic in allowing the diversity of human experience.

Out in the world - it would actually change everything if we valued ALL people equally, and made space for ALL ideas. A world that works for everyone!

Inside ourselves - it would actually change everything if we valued ALL of our thoughts and feelings, and made space to feel and acknowledge them because that would totally change the ideas we'd have about how to navigate our path.

I see it all the time in Dream Book. We start with an uncomfortable feeling, and it's like "no this isn't how I want to feel, this isn't how I want things to be" but by being with that feeling and allowing our actual experience, we see a totally new way to proceed.

And it feels like magic every time but I think that's just because our culture is TRASH so we've become accustomed to TRASH.

It's not magic - it's how being alive actually is when we allow all aspects of ourselves.

This shoving feelings down, denying our desires, trying to conform to capitalist, colonialist, white supremacist culture - that's not healthy for anyone.

This is sparked from our Co-Dreaming call yesterday about How EASY can it be?

About all the different responses:

• I could get support so that I can DO THE THING!!
• I could rest.
• I could make more space for my feelings.
• I could trust what's already here rather than look at how to create more...

And how beautiful it was to be in a space where everyone's ideas were given space. We weren't looking for THE ONE RIGHT WAY for everyone to make things easier. We were making space for our own truth, sharing our truth, and being inspired and encouraged by each other.

I noticed how the vibe is soooo different from a lot of the Wellness/New Age/Live Your Best Life communities where this is this PRESSURE to find and do THE RIGHT THINGS.

Where you get judged, usually in subtle ways but not always, for "being negative" or being poor or disabled or fat or sick.

Where the idea is that you're doing it wrong if you're not manifesting a life that looks like what dominant culture says your life should look like: productive, successful, organized, cheerful.

I feel sorry for the people who are still in all of that.

And I feel so grateful for everyone who is doing this work with me.

If you didn't see it - watch yesterday's Co-Dreaming call here.

Exploring your Post-Pandemic self is Thursday!

A deep dive into exploring what's changed and what wants to change now.

This is for Dream Book members only - get the call details here.

 

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with. Or go to the Structure Habits Routines class (it's staying there so you can go through the prompts in your own time)

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab which is what I am using for my dream meeting drawings.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.

I'll be doing these live Co-Dreaming calls every Monday until Aug 28.

Watching these videos all summer WILL get you seeing, and feeling, your dreams in new ways.

The replays will all be here on my blog. If you want to attend live, register here to get the Zoom details.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.

Yesterday I sat with what felt like heavy resistance, and just took one tiny step at a time, and got the first few pages of a brand new Dream Book set up.

I didn’t actually do that much, but it felt like a lot because of all of the resistance I had.

And - I didn’t actually do that much, but today when I sat down to my creative dream practice - I had a whole new Dream Book to play in!

I had a container to explore my new dreams!!

Which is vital because exploring new dreams is nebulous and vulnerable and awkward so it’s soooo easy for resistance to creep in and then take over.

So today I opened up my brand new container. And it felt empty but I had cut + pasted enough of the Dream Book printables that I had places to start. I had prompts and processes to work with and….

I saw the thing I’d been dancing around in my journaling and meditation for the last few weeks.

I have been in a shift from:

“I want to create my life as this amazing thing, to have my outer life reflect what I feel in my inner life - reflect my values and preferences.”

To

"Life IS this amazing thing! I just want to enjoy it”

Which doesn’t mean I think one of these approaches is better than the other one. And it doesn’t mean I think this is a permanent shift! We are alive and growing and so are our dreams, always.

I’m just noticing a shift in my own preference, a shift in what I feel called towards right now.

And I’d been feeling that shift for a while but only saw parts of it, like I know I want something to change but I don’t know what. And now I know what.

It can be so uncomfortable to sit with our dreams, to keep practicing creative dreaming, in the times when we don’t know exactly what our dreams are. It brings up so many uncomfortable feelings that we want to give up.

But we can’t find our way through by not showing up for the journey, you know?

I had so much fun this morning, journaling and exploring in my Dream Book. I have been journaling lately, but this morning it's like I was REALLY journaling, fully in it.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with. Or go to the Structure Habits Routines class (it's staying there so you can go through the prompts in your own time)

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab which is what I am using for my dream meeting drawings.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.

I’m starting over with Dream Book. Fresh new book. Re-doing all the pages.

I’ve always wished I could combine my planner with my Dream Book but that felt complicated… but during the Structure Habits Routines prompts I saw a way to do that. At least for the next 5 month until the end of the year, I can experiment with this.

THIS FEELS SO DAUNTING.

To re-start. To really sit with…. what do I want? Why do I want it? How will I feel when I have it?

I know these are the questions I sit with every week in the Dream Status Reports, but it feels different to start over and answer them FRESH, not working from what I already have figured out,

My dream is being the writer + artist I want to be.

(Of course I already am this. And of course there are still so many ways I want to do this.)

The heart of this doesn’t change, but some of the specifics of what this looks and feels like for me are changing. I do need a new Dream Page for this.

And, even though I have been doing this work so for long, it still feels sooooo vulnerable.

Like, I can’t believe all the ways my mind is trying to run from this.

So, let’s explore the resistance then.

Hey resistance, can we talk!

Sure! I mean no. Let’s go to the store and get milk and make coffee. 

Well, yeah I want to do that but I also really want to do this!! It feels like you are putting this off to go to that.

No I’m not. We’re sleepy! Some fresh air and coffee would really hit the spot!!!

OK, if I agree to go that, when we get back, you agree to work with me and start the new Dream Book?

Ugh. Well…. yeah ok. 

*

*

OK I am back. With coffee.

That little bit of fresh air and 1 cup of coffee have not magically transformed into a person who feels ready to do this. 

But I am showing up. But before I can start the Dream Book I need to set up the actual book...

First - the paper. I have this ultra heavy weight paper I used for my planner. I have to remember where I put that when I re-arranged my space….

Found it. Or rather, found ONE SHEET of it, with my other printer paper. Did I use it all? Put it in a special place?

NOT LETTING THIS STOP ME, going ahead with regular printer paper…

Hole punched… (I use the happy planner punch which can only punch a few sheets at a time, so this is a bit of an effort) (My planner is disc bound, so I can move and add pages very easily though, once properly punched) 

Removing the first 6 months of this year from my planner…

Arrrgh it all comes to a screeching halt.

Looking back through my planner there are so many pages I love! I want to take pics! I want to save this! I always add my planners to my stack of finished journals, I don’t want to rip this year apart.

WOW. OK. I did not anticipate this.

But actually there is room to add a bunch of pages, and if I run out of space in a few months I’ll figure that out then. I could always switch out the discs for bigger ones.

Added the new blank pages to the front of the planner….

Well holy fuck!!! Here is the rest of the heavy paper I was looking for!!!! I had already hole punched in and put it in here to use for journaling.

I ALREADY HAD EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.

I HAD IT THE WHOLE TIME.

I want to laugh and cry.

Adding my thinner paper to the thick paper at the front of my planner…

I made 2 quick messy tabs - a rectangle of cardstock folded over, glued on, with “dream book” on one and “planner” on the other. Making nice tabs would be a fun creative project, but not today! It doesn’t have to be pretty! Let’s just do this!

Now I’m in the Dream Book classroom, going through the main checklist. Printing out the Dream Page, Dream Self Page (which includes the Project page) and Un-Sticking Station Page cutouts.

There is a printable for the Table of Contents, but I like to make my own.

Whew!!!! I DID IT.

I mean I haven’t done anything in my Dream Book yet, but I got ready to do it! So many little steps and so far my resistance hasn’t gotten in the way.

It’s just happily sipping coffee, watching me take all these steps.

Sitting here, holding this dream book/planner hybrid in my hands. Tons of blank paper to re-start everything about my Dream Book, the cutouts to get me started, my scissors and glue stick nearby, this feels amazing.

One more thing - the Year of Dreams 2023 planner had 1 page at the beginning with an incubator to put your BIGGEST dream for 2023 in it. I had put my income goal. This is no longer my biggest dream, or a dream at all, so I tore it up which was very satisfying.

AND making it in the first place, claiming the income I want for the year, that felt satisfying at the time too.

Nothing we do in this work has to stay true/relevant FOREVER.

We are alive! We get to grow and our priorities will enviably change as we do.

(There is this video on starting a new journal in Dream Book - when you have pages you are still working with in the old journal. What I'm doing now is re-starting completely, taking nothing with me for a fresh start. I've never done it this way before, but right now I am really feeling like I need a fresh start with everything.)

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with. Or go to the Structure Habits Routines class (it's staying there so you can go through the prompts in your own time)

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab which is what I am using for my dream meeting drawings.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.

Last week we did Structure Routines Habits. It feels like such a whirlwind!

It was just a few questions each day to explore this from different angles, but it feels like a lot got stirred up and I’m not quite sure where I am with it all.

I mean I have a lot of VERY GOOD IDEAS for things to do, and more clarity than every about what I want this to look like, and I even tapped into the feeling of how I want to feel in these routines and habits and how supportive the structure will feel.

AND

Here I am. Waking up foggy. Like I am still my old self, but I see the path to my new self but I’m like… can I trust it? Do I want to just take a nap instead? Do I really want this?

There is such a sense of SAFETY and COMFORT to be found in hiding in old routines.

Even after we outgrown them! Even when we KNOW we want the new routines.

So....

How do I bring this safety and comfort with me into the new things I want to be doing?

That’s the question to sit with today.

My new routine/habit ideas don’t feel unsafe in any way, it’s just… that “BUT THIS IS ALL NEW” feeling that feels unsafe.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with. Or go to the Structure Habits Routines class (it's staying there so you can go through the prompts in your own time)

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab which is what I am using for my dream meeting drawings.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.

I'll be doing these live Co-Dreaming calls every Monday until Aug 28.

Watching these videos all summer WILL get you seeing, and feeling, your dreams in new ways.

The replays will all be on my blog. If you want to attend live, register here to get the Zoom details.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls.