With this new perspective that I shared yesterday, I realized that the dream I've been working on in my Dream Book is a bit off.

I still want this thing, but it's really more of a GOAL than a DREAM.

How do you know the difference? It's just how it feels to you. Every year I use the Goodreads app to track my goal of reading 50 books. I like who I am when I'm reading regularly but I am not DREAMING of finishing these books. But when I started this, when I wasn't reading that much, it did feel like more of a dream. Things can shift around.

Also, you can do Dream Book with dreams or goals or anything you want.

There is this shift for me in my relationship with and feelings about this dream I've been working on.

My dream has been really outer focused - which is completely fine!

But I am realizing that the path I saw there - deepening my creative practices - is actually THE DREAM.

This might not make sense to anyone but me and that's ok! Our dreams do not have to make sense to other people. And our process, at times, most likely CAN'T make sense to other people.

I also saw how much I am RESISTING deepening my creative practice.

And how easy it is to be in resistance when the goal/dream is so vague. Like what does "deepening a practice" even mean? What does it look like? What do I actually want here?

Those are such good questions to begin with, to help me define this dream.

Also the first questions you get in Dream Book - WHY do you want it and how will you feel when you have it? They help clarify too.

And clarity comes from diving into the foggy waters.

So to help me figure out how to do this, I am re-starting Dream Book with this new dream.

So, I am looking through my first bunch of pages in my Dream Book and it's interesting that I have space here to just add new stuff in.

All the work I have done with this dream really had led me to this place of shifting my whole relationship with it and shifting my understanding of what I REALLY want.

This is SO GOOD!!!!

And at the same time, it feels discouraging because I've lost some of the certainty I was feeling a few months ago.

Combined with how my life feels a bit out of my control because I am dealing with all of these side effects and just not feeling good - this just feels like such a good time to slow down and really BE WITH the questions.

What do I want? Like, what do I really, really want?

Who do I want to be, at the end of this transformative experience?

What helps me get there?

 

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Over the weekend I spent a lot of time circling my resistance.

I listened to this podcast about Psilocybin and midlife. They did say a few things that I found disturbingly ableist about how if you have physical symptoms during perimenopause that's just a sign that you are not taking proper care of yourself. But they also said some really helpful things about midlife as a transformative experience.

I've been forgetting that part.

I've been having a really hard time, my doctor is helping me and I believe her that everything will get easier but it takes some people up to 3 months to adjust and I seem to be one of those people. All of my symptoms are worse AND I have more symptoms as side effects of the treatment.

So, our the last little while, I have retreated. Resistance kind of pulled me into a nice comforting hug. Let's just distract ourselves as much as possible and wait to feel better...

Which would be fine if I didn't potentially have 2 more months of this.

Or maybe it would be fine for 2 more months IF my creative spark wasn't so desperate to come out.

After listening to that podcast I thought... what I really want from this time is to experience it as a CREATIVE PORTAL.

Like - all the places where I have been wanting to GO BACK to who I was I want to fill with ACCEPTANCE and PRESENCE.

I can't go back. I can find out what is possible here.

This shift in perspective is so exciting.

It doesn't change my symptoms. But it can change how I experience all of this down time.

And I don't think we need to be in perimenopause to decide to be in a CREATIVE PORTAL.

Technically, EVERY DREAM IS A CREATIVE PORTAL. It's an invitation and an opening.

So, we can choose to step into a creative portal any time we want. We can CREATE times of healing, growth and transformation with our intention and our choices.

So, I am re-starting my dream book with a new focus.

I will share more about that tomorrow.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

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Two new things for August:

💸 How To Make More Money Without Destroying Your Soul

Two sessions on Zoom: August 7 + 21 (with replays!) and a printable guided journal.

THE FIRST SESSION IS FREE FOR EVERYONE! (Not a promo or anything, this is the actual first session in this program) Full program (both zoom with the guided journal) is $33 USD - or free for Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members.

Details + registration. | Membership members get everything here.

⚡️BREAKTHROUGH

If you want something to change and don't know how to go about getting that change - this one is for you.

Three alchemy sessions on Zoom WITH NO RECORDING. The group will be small enough for everyone to get attention. We’re being present, going deep and GETTING our breakthroughs. 

Three sessions: August 12, 19 + 26. The cost is $233 USD

Details + registration.

 

This is one of the things I've been doing in my journal lately and I LOVE IT.

This is a journal that I used for just bitching and complaining, lol. This is not a Dream Book! I started using it ONLY when I am upset, because I wanted to look back and see patterns and stuff. It was an extra journal I had and an idea to experiment with it.

It always felt weird, just all this bad stuff and no real resolution. Dream Book is where I would work THROUGH things, like using the un-sticking station.

Then I got the idea to go back through it, and paint over every page, and write out the transformation of the thing I was  bitching about and it just feels magic. Now I can flip through it and it's a journal of healing.

 

 

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

Two new things for August:

💸 How To Make More Money Without Destroying Your Soul

Two sessions on Zoom: August 7 + 21 (with replays!) and a printable guided journal.

THE FIRST SESSION IS FREE FOR EVERYONE! (Not a promo or anything, this is the actual first session in this program) Full program (both zoom with the guided journal) is $33 USD - or free for Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members.

Details + registration. | Membership members get everything here.

⚡️BREAKTHROUGH

If you want something to change and don't know how to go about getting that change - this one is for you.

Three alchemy sessions on Zoom WITH NO RECORDING. The group will be small enough for everyone to get attention. We’re being present, going deep and GETTING our breakthroughs. 

Three sessions: August 12, 19 + 26. The cost is $233 USD

Details + registration.

 

As discussed, I've been stuck and I've been circling around some stuff for some time. But this is good!

And as I shared yesterday, I had a high anxiety day and was having a panic attack - crying, upset, and that's when everything changed.

It FELT LIKE all of the intense feelings knocked something loose.

But as I reflect, I don't think that's what it is.

I think I've been paying attention in a deeper way to my feelings. For sure I've been going deeper into them in the divorce process and all the ways it digs up ALL THE STUFF.

But in spending more time processing my feelings, I am more familiar with all the different sensations in my body... and so when I felt stuck with my creative dream, and really sat with that feeling, and all of my feelings were magnified as it was a high anxiety day... well I FELT it. In my body. It felt the same as some divorce stuff I've been processing.

I didn't understand it in my mind.

I still don't fully understand it.

But I FELT it. And then everything I know about this feeling, in regards to my healing process with my divorce, I suddenly saw how it applies to my creative dreams.

And something shifted. And then I saw new options I hadn't seen before.

All because I sat with the feelings even when they felt too big to sit with.

Over and over I am reminded that the feelings that come up as we work on our dreams are not accidents. They are the path.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

Two new things for August:

💸 How To Make More Money Without Destroying Your Soul

Two sessions on Zoom: August 7 + 21 (with replays!) and a printable guided journal.

THE FIRST SESSION IS FREE FOR EVERYONE! (Not a promo or anything, this is the actual first session in this program) Full program (both zoom with the guided journal) is $33 USD - or free for Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members.

Details + registration. | Membership members get everything here.

⚡️BREAKTHROUGH

If you want something to change and don't know how to go about getting that change - this one is for you.

Three alchemy sessions on Zoom WITH NO RECORDING. The group will be small enough for everyone to get attention. We’re being present, going deep and GETTING our breakthroughs. 

Three sessions: August 12, 19 + 26 at 1:00 pm Central Daylight -5 GMT

The cost is $233 USD

Details + registration.

 

The whole thing about showing up for your dream as a PRACTICE as that the practice itself becomes a container that holds your PROCESS of becoming the version of you who can do the thing.

This doesn’t mean it feels like magic every time.

It’s boring or hard just as often as it’s healing and magically creative.

In yesterday's post I mentioned that tension or twistiness of being in that space where you can't just step into your dream.

Sometimes, like has been happening for me for a while - you are circling something. And you need that time to circle!

You need that process of circling to work through things you don’t even know you are working through.

And it’s really hard to keep showing up in those times. Because it doesn't feel like you are circling, you just feel STUCK.

I’ve been feeling like I know I’m resisting something but I can’t quite see my resistance. There’s just this vague sense of avoiding something and feeling stuck.

So, I kept showing up. Practicing. Noticing what’s happening. Being with these feelings of sensing out resistance beneath the surface but not being able to get at it or even understand what I am resisting.

And then that all blew up.

I was having a high anxiety day that turned into a panic attack. I was crying and trying to soothe myself when suddenly my whole perspective changed.

It’s like the intense feelings created a disturbance in me that loosened what was stuck. That’s how it felt.

And looking back I can see how long I’ve been circling this and I am embarrassed about that BUT ALSO we have to circle for as long as we have to circle.

Circling is actually PRODUCTIVE.

The only thing that is ever not productive is to stop showing up at all.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

Even though I still have LOTS of stucks to un-stick, I am really feeling in the flow.

I am taking steps and making measurable progress and growing in my connection with my dream self who has completed this project.

And as I was working this morning I thought - oh this was such a FRUITFUL time.

Then, riding my bike home, I thought about the word fruitful and how I love it. I never really use it but I really embodies the qualities of what I want my creative time to be…

And then it hit me - I want to replace productive with fruitful.

I don’t want to be or feel productive. I don’t want to figure out how to make myself be more productive… which I have done a lot of in my life.

I want my creative time to be fruitful.

This feels more like a ripening.

An opening.

A blossoming even!

And less like a factory production line.

Productivity is one of the things I have been… struggling with? Exploring? Trying to transform? … since the start of the pandemic when overwhelm kind of took over.

I love how it feels to complete projects. I love putting my work out there. I depend on putting my work out there to support myself. I love how it feel to be in the creative flow…

But I have not been loving the whole vibe around “productive”

So, replacing that with fruitful feels really good. Like maybe some stuff can untangle on its own and I can bear more fruit without feeling like a factory worker.

Ohhhh

For people who have been reading my blog a verrrrrry long time, early in the Creaive Dream incubator's history I had this metaphor I worked with that was the creative dream factory.

And it wasn’t loads of workers working for piecework and needing to work as fast as possible or anything like that. It was a big spacious cool creative dreamy space for me to work in, with robots who took my ideas and helped turn them into, I don’t remember exactly, the stuff that runs the business I guess.

There were big bean bags and art supplies everywhere. Lots of permission to nap and dream.

But still, it was a factory and we were producing dreams.

And I’m not saying that was wrong! It was such a helpful way for me to see my work at the time.

But now I want the Creative Dream Incubator to be a meadow.

Things can blossom and bear fruit. So much fruit!

But some things also die.

Some things take long breaks for the winter.

It just feel more organic.

AND it feels like it answers a lot of my questions about how I want to be with my work. Like, I don’t want to go back to my pre-pandemic self. Not that I could I if I wanted to.

Same for my married self.

But who am I now and who is the Creative Dream Incubator now and how to we work together in service of dreams?

Some parts of that are obvious and fully functioning.

But there is always room for growth and change and new possibilities.

This just feels really good.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

This year I wanted to explore my relationship with resistance.

And I’ve been a lot more mindful of it. And all sorts of things have shifted.

AND

There are still all these places where it feels tangly and murky.

Today here is this part of me who just wants to sink into nothingness doesn’t want me exploring bright new creative paths.

Sink into nothingness is the only way I can describe it. This part of me wants to numb and avoid.

And I get so frustrated with it. But I want to be curious about it instead, so let’s try…

Hey, resistance, part of me who wants to sink into nothingness, I’d like to understand you better.

In what way?

Well, I understand how much I want to DO the creative ideas I have and explore new things and just generally FEEL ALIVE in my life. And I feel like you don’t want that, and try to stop me, and I don’t understand.

I just sit with this, how I have these two parts of me, how I relate to one of them more than the other and how they don’t relate to each other at all.

So I ask her: Can you see the things I am dreaming of here? How do you feel about them?

Oh wow they look gorgeous. Yes I can see them. But they are for the future. They’re not here.

Right. So you need them to be here already before we can pursue them?

Kind of.

But you know it doesn’t work that way, right?

No. I mean - we are here. There’s a lot of heaviness and reasons to go slow here. Are you sure you aren’t trying to just leap ahead into the future to avoid being here? Are you really sure I am the one avoiding?

Umm ok this doesn’t feel fruitful. I mean - do we just point fingers and call each other avoiders?

It feels like my inner conversations are so convoluted lately.

But let’s keep going.

Yeah, I see where you are right! I am trying to avoid and avoidance, in a way. I do want to change what is happening right now. I want to be doing the things I want to be doing. I don’t want to be tired and heavy.

But I am SO tired and heavy.

OK but we agree about the future we are moving toward, right?

Right.

That’s good! But - are you saying you don’t want to take ANY steps now?

I need to feel ready.

Do you know how many things I have written about “waiting to feel ready is bullshit”?

She just looks at me.

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?

Yeah, I think you are. I’m sorry! I think we can’t WAIT to feel ready, but we can WORK ON feeling ready. We can take smaller steps, take a gentler approach.

This doesn’t feel resolved in any way, but I do feel like this big sticky resistance is quietly considering other options. I love that we agree on the future we are moving towards.

A few hours, I felt into this in a new way.

This part of me who feels NOT READY does need a different approach. HEALING and ART and MAGIC as a part of the work.

I mean - this is what Dream Book IS

AND…

There are always more layers. And there are always time when I try to focus more on Outer Work - like right now because I know exactly what I want to do, I just can’t do it.

And this part of me comes to life when she FEELS SAFE ENOUGH to move forward. Journaling and meditation (and lately painting in my journals, but I don’t think that’s necessary, we all need to follow our own creative flow about what we do in our journals) I just spent some time journaling and now this whole dynamic feels different.

Lately, spending lots of time with my Dream Book is helping me grow self trust.

So grateful for this!

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

It feels rich and transformative.

I’m still resisting it.

But sitting here, beside it, feels full of possibility.

I drew it out in my journal: me beside this spiral pool.

I sat with it, wondering why I wasn’t just diving in.

And I noticed more about it. The pool itself is a rainbow - not bright colours but an oil slick kind of rainbow, iridescent with possibility.

And I knew if I dived in, everything I want would be in there.

And then I drew that out… the pool above, rays of light streaming down, trees, flowers, soft grass to sit on and another pool. This one is the pool of healing and dreams come true.

And still, I am not diving in.

Sitting here beside it feels right. I’m acclimating and integrating.

I don’t think acclimating and integrating get enough credit.

(After I wrote this, we ended up having a RICH discussion about acclimating and integration on the March New Moon call)

These are powerful tools, and so many people skip by them, wanting to rush the process.

But without them, you can’t really HOLD ON to your dreams.

Acclimating and integrating is where you get grounded.

I’m appreciating how far I’ve come, to hit this new wave of resistance.

I’m appreciating how CLEAR I feel about my next steps and how brave my plan is. And of course a BRAVE PLAN is going to stir things up which is going to bring on the resistance.

And today I’m just letting it be here. Appreciating resistance as a partner in the journey. Appreciating that working WITH my resistance will bring me healing and new possibilities.

 

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.