Starting about three years ago, I was dreaming up "my life in my 50s" (I turned 50 in May)

There were all these things I wanted to be different and it just FELT SO DIFFERENT to think of myself in my 50s.

I had forgotten about all of that dreaming though.

My husband left me a year ago. When my 50th came it's like... whoa I'm turning 50, starting a whole new decade, in the middle of a divorce I didn't see coming. Everything was changing and there was a lot of exciting and beautiful things happening but it was also just really hard to feel like I was starting over at this age.

(As if it's easier at any other age?)

But now, looking back to all of the dreaming of "life in my 50s" I was doing... the creativity and spaciousness is what stands out and... I HAVE THAT NOW.

A divorce is NOT how I was thinking it would happen. But here it is.

I don't think I manifested the divorce of course. But, also of course, I recognize that I participated in it .

And I said loads of times.... I am no expert in dreaming with another person. My therapist stresses to me that my partner and I really did give each other a lot of space to be who we are, that we can be proud of that. But still - it was harder to move forward with some things I wanted while in that marriage. Though in saying that I should also recognize that there were things I was receiving in that marriage that I just don't have now.

AND there are compromises everywhere! I knew what I was choosing and don't regret it.

AND hindsight is 20/20!

So I just want to kind of marvel about how I AM FEELING THE WAY I WANTED MY LIFE IN MY 50s TO FEEL.

Those dreams are here, in that way.

I don't have all of the external parts, but I do have some of them. And I FEEL THE WAY I WANT TO FEEL IN MY LIFE. That is A LOT.

 

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I have a plan for what I want to do next.

It feels really solid. I am considering the things that have not been working, I looked into WHY those things are not working, and came up with ideas for addressing that.

It feels like the kind of plan where - I have taken a lot of steps, many of which have not gotten me the results I wanted, but I have taken SO MANY steps that I have learned so much from those steps - and now I am applying all of that into making a different plan.

I feel really good about it.

Or, I DID feel really good about it until I felt totally panicked.

Suddenly my brain was flooded with the reasons why this is bound to fail.

And I felt stressed, pressured, helpless, discouraged and sad.

It was a lot, and I wasn’t able to instantly use the Un-Sticking Station to turn it around.

So I focused on self care. Taking care of upset self in the moment AND looking at “what can I do to make tomorrow a better day?”

That was yesterday. And today is a little better.

I’m sitting with my fear, offering it love. It feels calmer though still present, I had hoped it would just kind of dissolve in the love.

How do we do this together?

The part of me who is excited about this plan and the part of me who is afraid.

My eyes land on the tarot card on my desk. Yesterday I had picked a card to help me get started with this plan this week and I got 8 of pentacles. It’s saying KEEP GOING.

I think that’s the answer. Keep going… with both. Take steps, implement the plan AND keep meeting the fears/anxiety that comes up.

And suddenly I remember… this only happens EVERY TIME I start with something new.

The moment where the rubber really meets the road, all the fears and doubts get stirred up and I feel like I don’t know what I am doing.

So - go slow, self care, soothing fears AND taking little steps. As long as I keep showing up, I’ll find creative flow again…

 

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This is the mantra I got in this week’s Dream Book journaling + alchemy kit: What I seek is seeking me.

Use the meditation for the weekly mantras to dig in deeper to the mantra, or put your hands on your heart and take five deep slow breaths and repeat to yourself:

What I seek is seeking me.

Notice where this lands in your body, what thoughts and feelings get sparked.

There is no right or wrong way to react. But your actual thoughts and feelings can tell you something about what you need right now.

How it lands for me: like warm honey. Sparkling and healing.

Like microscopic bits of PRESSURE that were floating around in me are getting stuck in the honey and disarmed by it.

It's not all on me.

My dream is my PARTNER. And the whole universe is my ALLY. So yes I can take the pressure off of ME to figure it all out and then also do it all.

I am not alone in this.

And then a new awareness rises... how can I make myself more visible to my dream?

If it's seeking me, how do I make me easier to find?

Well... daily Dream Lab meetings. Visualizing. And taking consistent steps towards it. Something about consistency feels so important to me lately. Not necessarily DAILY or even REGULAR but consistent.

If you want to work on this with me:

If What I seek is seeking me feels good and encouraging, hold it with you today. Look at problems, questions, stucks and obstacles through this lens and see what ideas it brings.

If it brings up some discomfort - that’s your stuff to work on today. To do that work, in the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership we’ve got the un-sticking station and the library of inner work practices. If you’re not sure what practice to use, you can email me, or post in our forum, let me know what’s going on and I will make some suggestions for tools you can use.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

This is the mantra I got in this week’s Dream Book journaling + alchemy kit: I am free to be anyone I want to be

Use the meditation for the weekly mantras to dig in deeper to the mantra, or put your hands on your heart and take five deep slow breaths and repeat to yourself:

I am free to be anyone I want to be

Notice where this lands in your body, what thoughts and feelings get sparked.

There is no right or wrong way to react. But your actual thoughts and feelings can tell you something about what you need right now.

How it lands for me: like a SWISH

A SWISH of freedom, starting around my heart and whooshing away.

Like a bird. Free to fly.

I am shifting my sense of WHO I AM. This is the work my dreams are asking of me right now and it's... messy, I guess. Complicated. So non-linear I have no clue where I am.

I really am free to be anyone I want to be.

And when I sit with this, after the SWISH, my body feels open.

I know exactly who I want to be. I've been clarifying this on the Dream Self Page of my new Dream Book.

Oh! And then I am instantly reminded of why it's hard to BE that version of me all of the time.

And I have so much empathy for myself.

And I want to COME UP WITH A PLAN that makes this all easier.

But the truth is, it's in a process. And as long as I keep showing up, I'll get there.

I will hold I am free to be anyone I want to be close to me on the path this week.

If you want to work on this with me:

If I am free to be anyone I want to be feels good and encouraging, hold it with you today. Look at problems, questions, stucks and obstacles through this lens and see what ideas it brings.

If it brings up some discomfort - that’s your stuff to work on today. To do that work, in the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership we’ve got the un-sticking station and the library of inner work practices. If you’re not sure what practice to use, you can email me, or post in our forum, let me know what’s going on and I will make some suggestions for tools you can use.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

(Bear and I working from bed)

I was SO EXCITED to do this thing last night, and now that it’s today, and it’s time to do the thing…

I am exhausted. I do NOT have the energy to do this.

And I did do all the things I need to do to get my morning off right… a smoothie, bike ride to the park, now I am drinking a GIANT lavender iced latte in the park and journaling...

And I am still not feeling it.

So. Resistance, is that you? Are you behind the overwhelm and exhaustion?

Ummm. No I don’t think so. Why don’t you blame (ongoing annoying situation in my life)?

Because ongoing annoying situation is, in a sense, handled for now. Like - I have my next steps with it which I will do later. It’s not like ON MY MIND… OMG I am letting you distract me from you!

I am hard to look right at.

No shit!

Resistance just looks at me.

I just look back. Resistance feels like a he today. Kind of like… lots of dark clothing including a cape and a hat, maybe medieval or something like that.

I’m not medieval, that’s ridiculous.

OK whatever, you’re old timey somehow.

I’m ancient.

OK yeah that makes sense. But listen, don’t you remember how EXCITED I was about this project last night?

It’s easy to be excited about a creative project when you just got out of a bath and you’re on your way to sleep and there’s no way to take a step with it.

Are you saying I don’t have it in me to be excited about doing this when I can actually do this?

I’m saying when everything is in place and it’s time to take that step - that’s when all the inner shit comes up. You know this.

I know.

And then you just blame me, like I am something outside of you.

Ugggghhh.

Yeah Uggghhhhh.

I take a deep breath and a big sip of my iced coffee and ask myself what’s happening underneath the resistance.

Fear. Terror actually. What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail? What if I do my best and it turns out I can’t actually do this? Yes, it is VERY easy to feel confident when you’ve just gotten out of a bath and are on your way to bed and not anywhere near taking an actual step.

Where is the part of me who believes in me and my dreams 100%?

Buried under all of those other selves. It almost feels like they have tied her up, there’s no way for her to get free.

That’s interesting - she still believes in herself 100% EVEN WHILE TIED UP AND BURIED UNDER A PILE OF FEARS AND WORRIES AND WHAT IFs.

She’s like “Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll get out of this.”

And I know she will.

I zoom in my focus on her. Can I just work with her and ignore the other stuff?

She smiles at me and turns around to show me how her hands are tied up… the rope is tied so loosely it would be easy to get free. And when I look closer - the rope is actually liquorice.

My fears are little kids and she’s indulging them.

Together, we pick up each kid and put them down on bean bag chairs. We give them popcorn and turn on a movie. We set up some games, an art station and a nap area. We install a new light in their room which radiates love. We go to each of them, one at a time, and tell them how much we love them, exactly as they are. How proud we are of them. How happy we want them to be.

And then we close the door on their room.

And then this journaling ends abruptly because I just… got to work on that project!

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

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Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

THIS is the answer to everything.

And even though you DO believe in yourself, more than you ever have even… but there is always more.

Believing in yourself is a spectrum that never ends.

Trusting yourself is a spectrum that never ends.

And sometimes self doubt gets in the way of that and we have to keep PRACTICING to come back to self belief.

As long as you keep showing up and practicing, breakthroughs are GUARANTEED.

KEEP GOING!!

(Note from my Dream Book)

Your Self Doubt Is Not Yours You Deserve To Believe In Yourself

I've been talking about this for a while on our Zooms, and today I set it up - this call is happening on Sept 17 and it will come with a guided journal 🙂

For Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members: the call details are here.

For everyone else - I do want to make this call available on it's own outside the membership, I should have registration open next week.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

My overwhelmed self has been getting A LOT of air time since March 2020.

And even leading up to that, as I was getting into peri-menopause, life just overwhelmed me in ways it never did before.

For 2024 I wanted to explore my relationship with resistance more deeply.

One thing I am learning is just how deeply this pattern goes of giving my resistant self the driver’s seat in my life.

I mean - not in the bigger picture. But in smaller ways. Ways I wasn’t seeing before.

This thing where “I am too overwhelmed to do this” so I don’t.

Now I am seeing it differently and wondering... what if I put my most wise, brave and creative self into the driver’s seat?

Maybe if I put my most BRAVE and CREATIVE self into the driver's seat I would steamroll over my overwhelm and ignore all of the reasons WHY I am in resistance.

So I wanted to include my most WISE self in there, who knows how to tend to all of her parts.

And this part of me is like… hey I know you wouldn’t want to steamroll over your overwhelm, but why are you letting overwhelm steamroll over the rest of you?

And I’m like… whoa. What?

I thought I was just taking good care of myself. Now I see that I was letting overwhelm take over and do what she wants.

🤯

I mean - we don't see these things until we can see things things. And then when we do, it changes everything.

So it turns out overwhelm doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else’s needs. Not an appropriate part of me to have in the driver’s seat.

My most wise, brave and creative self does want to take care of overwhelm, so we are doing ALL THE THINGS (LOADS of meditation + journaling in Dream Book, eating nutrient dense, drinking lots of water, sleeping well, loads of restorative yoga and salt baths, quiet time, validating my feelings and needs, taking CBD pills for anxiety and tracking high anxiety days to get a clearer picture in case I need to see my doctor about it) to take care of my overwhelmed self - so that she is climbing into the driver’s seat less often.

So now it's like she doesn’t feel the need to steer us off the road because the journey isn’t as overwhelming for her.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

This is the mantra I got in this week’s Dream Book journaling + alchemy kit: I stay true to myself

Use the meditation for the weekly mantras to dig in deeper to the mantra, or put your hands on your heart and take five deep slow breaths and repeat to yourself:

I stay true to myself

Notice where this lands in your body, what thoughts and feelings get sparked.

There is no right or wrong way to react. But your actual thoughts and feelings can tell you something about what you need right now.

My reaction: this feels POWERFUL

Like a palpable strong sense of POWER running in my body.

I feel almost overwhelmed with this knowing that when I am true to myself, I am powerful. I have the power to do the things I want to do.

And it makes me think of all the ways I AM being true to myself. The divorce/peri-menopause combo is really good for that, lol.

If you want to work on this with me:

If I stay true to myself feels good and encouraging, hold it with you today. Look at problems, questions, stucks and obstacles through this lens and see what ideas it brings.

If it brings up some discomfort - that’s your stuff to work on today. To do that work, in the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership we’ve got the un-sticking station and the library of inner work practices. If you’re not sure what practice to use, you can email me, or post in our forum, let me know what’s going on and I will make some suggestions for tools you can use.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

I was looking for self love affirmation music on Spotify and selected a random song.

I'm settling in, all comfy in my bed, relaxing my body.... and suddenly I’m being told that only people who love themselves fully can be of benefit to the world.

Like, what the actual fuck?

While there is SO MUCH GOOD in the new age, holistic wellness/wellbeing, personal growth industries.... there are also these incredibly damaging beliefs.

We need to have real discernment about how we engage with it.

You don't have to love yourself before you are worthy.

You were born worthy.

And loving yourself, after growing up in the world as it is right now, IS TRICKY. If it's hard for you - that's because of what happened to you and how it impacted you. It's NOT a measure of your value!!!!

ANYTHING that is hard for you IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

This is a really good perspective to go into ALL of your healing work with.

We all have our challenges, and our challenges have a lot to teach us. But we are not "less than" because of them. So much of the new age/holistic wellness/coaching/personal growth industries use this harmful rhetoric, sometimes in subtle ways that we don't always notice.

Be aware of where you, or others, blame or shame you for your circumstances.

A lot of it just ignorance. A person who hasn't done any work to unpack their own privileges will judge anyone who didn't have the same privileges.

It's also about the individualist approach. The idea that the individual is the answer to everything, and the cause of everything - which also comes out of pure ignorance about the impact of the systems we live in.

You do better in your healing when you're not shaming yourself.

No one else really understands what you've overcome to be where you are now.

Be proud of yourself.

And keep going.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

Today!!!

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Members: get the call details here. The replay + guided journal will be on that page a few hours after our live call.

Everyone else: sign up here. Today's call is free! (Replay too)

I can't wait to explore this with you.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

Note: this post is from my daily Creative Dream Practice and includes links to the tools I use which are a part of the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership. You need an active membership to access those tools. You are always welcome to join right here!

So this is a note from last week....

My mantra was: I AM READY TO STEP INTO MY DREAM

And I was feeling it SO HARD at first....

And now it feels like it’s taunting me.

Like I’ve never felt less ready.

And I may never be ready.

This IS the emotional journey that REALLY working with our dreams take us on.

To do that work, in the creative dream incubator coaching membership we’ve got the un-sticking station and the library of inner work practices. If you’re not sure what practice to use, you can email me, or post in our forum, let me know what’s going on and I will make some suggestions for tools you can use.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

Note: this post is from my daily Creative Dream Practice and includes links to the tools I use which are a part of the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership. You need an active membership to access those tools. You are always welcome to join right here!

This is the mantra I got in this week’s Dream Book journaling + alchemy kit: My future is bright

Use the meditation for the weekly mantras to dig in deeper to the mantra, or put your hands on your heart and take five deep slow breaths and repeat to yourself:

My future is bright

Notice where this lands in your body, what thoughts and feelings get sparked.

There is no right or wrong way to react. But your actual thoughts and feelings can tell you something about what you need right now.

My reaction: this feels so familiar and comforting.

I said this to myself A LOT when my husband first left me and I was in shock. It’s like the future I saw just disappeared and I couldn’t see anything in it’s place and I would say to myself “My best life is ahead of me” and I really did feel it and mean it but also couldn’t see it.

And now, almost a year later… I believe it AND I’m not always so sure of my next steps.

I feel like I’ve let go of that relationship but there is deeper work still around… I don’t even have words for it all. But to make a big commitment and be building a life around it and then to have it just walk away on you…

A marriage IS a dream and when a dream leaves you, when you work hard for it and it doesn’t work out - this makes it harder to keep dreaming.

And I know everyone has had a dream not work out.

And I know I am in a wildly transformational time and I KNOW/BELIEVE that I will look back at this time, at this version of myself, and be so grateful for her for continuing to walk through the fire, and follow every rabbit hole that pops up.

A divorce is such an opportunity for healing, so much childhood stuff gets dredged up. So much stuff I thought was healed or gone - here it all is.

And to be confident and energetic enough to be self employed through this… it’s just a YIKES some days.

Because of the nature of my work, my work itself is not hard. I’m doing more calls than ever in the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership and I’m loving it.

It’s the marketing and selling and being “out there” and coming up with effective and strategic plans that’s been hard.

But I don’t want to “push through” or force myself to do all the things…

I want to see this time as a sacred transformative fire. We have so much power to choose the narrative which does change our options.

I am MAKING my future bright.

If you want to work on this with me:

If I am growing feels good and encouraging, hold it with you today. Look at problems, questions, stucks and obstacles through this lens and see what ideas it brings.

If it brings up some discomfort - that’s your stuff to work on today. To do that work, in the creative dream incubator coaching membership we’ve got the un-sticking station and the library of inner work practices. If you’re not sure what practice to use, you can email me, or post in our forum, let me know what’s going on and I will make some suggestions for tools you can use.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.