It’s almost two months since my marriage fell apart.

It’s almost six weeks that my step-son has been in the hospital with a very sudden and life-threatening illness.

It’s been a lot.

My step-son has been getting more stable the last few weeks. When I saw him on Friday, for the first time since this started he talked about leaving the hospital and catching up with his life. After so many weeks of only talking about how painful and scary this all was, that was such a relief. The end is in sight. Not that there won’t be complications - this is going to change his life in big ways and there is still a long road ahead, but still - after all this time with all these unknowns, we can see the road ahead.

Which means I have some more emotional bandwidth to face the fact that my marriage fell apart.

Saturday morning I baked a pie pumpkin, and the seeds. Then I blended it up with oats, water, brown sugar syrup and pumpkin pie spice to make a creamy pumpkin spice blend to add to coffee or tea.

The house smelled amazing.

While the pumpkin baked I worked on a puzzle.

It was soooo quiet. 

And I’ve been thinking about how this marriage was a dream come true.

The relationship we had was healing and nurturing and playful and all the things I wanted. 

And I’ve been thinking about how dreams don’t always last forever. I mean they can’t all last forever. We can’t have everything, always!

And I’ve been thinking about how our dreams need us to TRUST THEM even when they look and feel nothing like what we thought we wanted. Even when they fall apart completely.

That following our dreams leads us in the right direction. And that the goal is not to never be unhappy or to always have a “perfect life” whatever that means.

The goal is aliveness. And wholeness.

Our dreams always want us to grow into who we really are.

And as much as my marriage did help me do that, for so long, now that it’s gone I can see that there is so much more potential for growth, here where I am, by myself.

I mean I am far from alone, but you know what I mean. After having such a close emotional bond with someone, to lose that relationship feels like loosing a limb, it’s a lot to adjust to.

I had therapy last week. My therapist noted that usually the things I turn to to help me process and heal are more creativity focused, and now they are more sensory focused.

I am really IN my body.

I have been making space in my body to process all of this. I am breathing deeper than I knew was possible. I mean, I have meditated for 30 years, I thought I knew deep breathing! 

I didn’t know deep breathing, not like this.

This weekend, there were times when I felt more peace than I’ve ever felt in my life. The kind of peace that comes from embodiment, not from having a peaceful life.

I think we try so hard to force our lives into the shapes that we think will make us happy and bring us peace but life is always life-ing.

And the world is a brutal place. I have not been ignoring the news, but I have been having big firm boundaries with it because I just can’t right now. But I know the world is far from peaceful.

And still. I feel this sensation of peace in a deeper way than I ever have before. Sometimes. I am also feeling lots of other things.

And beneath it all, a growing sense of trust that I am on the right path.

This is what our dreams are for - to lead us along our healing journey.

And as a part of that - dreams WILL fall apart. Dreams WILL make a huge mess in your life. Dreams WILL HURT sometimes.

It’s all a part of it.

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This month we did 2 calls about structure, one for the Marketing as a Creative + Spiritual Practice series and one more general one.

I hadn't planned it that way - themes for the marketing calls come out of what people bring up on the calls. But it also happens that this month I am really working on structure.

This morning my practice was journaling. I went to a coffee shop with my journal to just explore. I know I want to be more structured, I know my routines and habits need an upgrade (hey there is the Habits Upgrade call if you’re looking at this too).

But with so much change and uncertainty in my life right now, this is all really hard for me to figure out.

I’d been avoiding doing this for a while, which is why I specifically took my journal out for coffee this morning.

And I made some good progress! Just getting everything out of my head and onto the paper it started to feel more clear.  

Until I got to the part about structure in my business.

I started by exploring the idea of a organized and structured content schedule, which I have done in the past, but it felt sooooo uncomfortable.

So them I thought about - what if I just had different types of content I create, and then each week pick 3 of them or something like that?

That also got reallllly uncomfortable.

So, I’m taking the discomfort into the Un-Sticking Station.

First, I want to note that I feel the discomfort in the back of my head. It almost feels dangerous, like if I look at this more deeply I could damage my brain.

So I invite the discomfort in and it’s a little green being, standing in front of me.

Yeah, no, we can’t do this. (It has the voice of a stereotype of a male construction worker from New York City)

How come?

Oh super unsafe. We got structural problems here.

Structural problems? But I literally wrote “structure” at the top of this journal page, like I want to create a good structure.

No, you’ve got a bad structure.

Yeah. I mean I know that. I don’t really have ANY structure and I want it to be sturdy, safe, and supportive.

No it’s not safe to look at this.

Not safe to even LOOK? I mean that feels suspicious.

I mean I can’t help but see this interesting contract here. A construction worker would want to build a safe, solid structure. But the stereotypical man would want to avoid feelings at all costs, and may even believe that they are unsafe.

And there isn’t a way to build this structure without understanding why I have so many feelings about this.

I look back at the little green being.

Listen lady what can I tell you? It’s not safe. Work is at a standstill.

I am getting frustrated. I know damn well work is at a standstill.

How do we get back to work?

The little green being looks stumped. He actually looks sad.

This feels like a real conundrum.

We want the safe, sturdy structure but to get there, we have to build the structure without a structure. Is that why it’s so hard to get back to work?

He shows me - if you step on the foundation, you could slip at any time.

What would you slip into?

I lean over and look.

It seems like despair?

Oh lady, it’s a whole mess of feelings. We don’t want to get anywhere near any of it.

So you think we need to just never build here, ever? Like leave a sign for future generations to never build here either?

That seems extreme.

Maybe we need a despair expert?

Not someone’s who can help us avoid falling into despair, but someone who can get in there and clear it out?

Oh I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. The little green being is getting more uncomfortable.

I think they don’t work in the trades.

I think actually it might be me. That might be my job.

(Note: I typed that “might me by job” like my fingers couldn’t even claim this work)

This feels really different than it did when I started. I think I will leave it here, and make a date to look at the despair problem again.

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I have so much resistance today

I want to lay in bed and read books.

But it’s not like - I genuinely don’t want to show up for my practice.

It’s like - there is a lot of discomfort all around.

So I am using the process For When You Are In Resistance.

And I want to say - I am the person who made this library of creative dream alchemy processes. I am the person who said “just do the thing that’s in front of you to do” which means - if you feel resistance then your next step is to work on your resistance, if you feel afraid then your next step is to meet with your fear….

AND

I feel so much resistance to working with my resistance!

I want to do what I want to do, not the thing that’s in front of me to do.

This doesn’t get easier.

I mean of course it does get easier. Years of experience help me know how to navigate this...

But here in the moment, with my feelings feeling so messy, it doesn’t feel any easier than it ever has.

So - knowing how to navigate the hard feelings gets easier. Actually having hard feelings remains hard.

So. I’m listening to the video. Hating it, lol.

My resistance is sharp tension in my shoulders.

A fog of frustration in my brain.

Oh there is so much sadness beneath that.

I stopped the recording 3 minutes in. I didn’t want to listen anymore I just wanted to be with my resistance.

I have a lot of grief about not having the energy to do all the things I want to do. I mean work things and personal things.

And then I my inner critic can come out and criticize me for not making better use of the energy I DO have.

And I feel so vulnerable to that criticism right now.

So many layers to this when I really sit with it.

I sit with all of these feelings for a while and then one idea emerges: make a loose schedule. A DOABLE schedule. Think through - what’s most important right now? What can wait for now? 

WRITE IT DOWN because what I have written down, the project management app I use to run my business, is not do-able. It’s like I keep juggling in the moment which thing to do or not do. I need to step back, think it through.

NOT that a schedule is the answer to resistance. But for me having a schedule or feeling organized makes me so much calmer. And when I am calmer I can take tiny little steps.

I know yesterday I wrote about bullet journaling but the things I planned in that bullet journal page… they are not working. 

Which doesn’t mean I did it wrong! I did it the way I could see to do it, and today I am learning that I need to do it differently, I am feeling all my feelings around it, and will try a different way.

This is what “build the path by taking steps” means. It’s not generally smooth.

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I am using the weekly kits again.

I haven’t used them at all in the last few years.

Which is fine!

AND it’s fine (great actually!) to come back to using them.

The way I have been using my planner just doesn’t speak to me now. I use the calendar in my phone to keep track of appointments, events, etc. And at the start of each week I write them into the planner, which does feel good - it helps me get a sense of my week, emotionally.

But I don’t need a lot of space for each day, I am not tracking every to-do in there. Mostly I keep a list of what I want to do that week.

The detailed lists are all in Notion, my project management app for running my business.  There is nothing I write in my planner that is not already somewhere else digitally. (I need everything to be stored digitally with reminders. This is so I don’t lose anything.)

And I LOVE to write out just one week at a time, BY HAND, because this helps me get a feel for my week.

Planning is where dreaming and doing meet.

The digital stuff is “this is what I am going to do”.

The weekly planning pages are “this is how I am going to do this little part of this, this week”

And so I’ve realised - I don’t need a planner with a bunch of space for each week. A journal page for each week is fine.

AND I’ve realised - I want to be doing more journaling journaling. Not Dream Booking (which is very intentional about what you want to get from the journaling you are doing) but the journaling I call “regular journaling” in Dream Book.

Regular journaling is just about sitting with your thoughts and feelings. Getting them out of your head. Looking at them on paper. Maybe digging deeper. 

To me, journaling is quality time with yourself. I want to do more of that.

The journaling kits help with that. To give some structure and support.

So I am experimenting with a kind of hybrid of weekly planning and regular journaling, space to just BE with myself and get things out of my head where I can see them.

I don’t quite have the worlds for it yet, but it felt really good to experiment with it this week.

 

Dream Book members:

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I was feeling pretty sensitive for Monday's Co-Dreaming call. The day before, we had Thanksgiving in Canada and I didn't realize how strange it would be to have my first holiday without my husband and step-kids there.

So I was feeling all the feels when I went into the meditation.

Then my creative dream garden wasn't exactly a garden. It was me, in outer space in a space suit. Holding a plant which was also in a space suit - it was so cute, it was in the big bubble helmet.

It was a but weird but felt ok.

Then I panicked a bit "but where are my other dreams?"

And then I saw them, and then I saw that my dream and I were attached to each other and also attached to the orbiting ship that my other dreams were inside. And then I saw that the earth was right there too, we weren't THAT far away.

I was safe, just far away from everything and all alone up here.

The little potted plant of a dream I had with me was the healing and growth I want for this transition time.

And then when we got to the journaling prompt part of the process, my dreams told me to stop going to coffee shops first thing in the morning. Don't even go for a bike ride. Have a slower start to the day - do that stuff later if I want.

I've been following those instructions and thinking a lot about this meditation this week.

By repeating the same meditation each week, you create space where your intuition and your dreams can send you messages. It's much harder to receive potent and helpful messages without the kind of space that consistent repetition creates.

I'm sinking into the FEELING from the meditation - beyond my original feelings that day when I was already unsettled and feeling very alone. It doesn't feel ALONE so much now, it feels like giving myself SPACE.

It feels really magical and I'm using this as my guide to set myself up for the winter season. Like stocking up on pantry items and materials for creative projects so I don't need to go out for things. How can I turn this winter into a healing creative retreat for myself?

 

Dream Book members:

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I have declared that I am in a season of healing.

I've refined my dreams - the dreams I was working with are still there, but focusing on self care and healing feel more important right now. So there are the immediate dreams, and then the bigger long-term dreams. It feels really good to feel like this is "organized" somewhat.

My new slower morning routine feels so supportive of this.

I'm also doing a longer meditation - the Dream Lab but I usually stop the meditation when I'm in the Field of Creative Dream Alchemy, and just stay there. Feeling connected to myself and surrounded by support feels like the right place to spend some time.

Today in the meditation, everything was black and white and it felt animated, like everything in the field was hand-drawn art, and the art was moving and it felt so soothing and expansive. And I was crying, and my tears created a river and I knew that in the spring, I could build a raft and float down the river to my new life.

Writing this out it may seem depressing but it felt SO hopeful and healing.

 

Dream Book members:

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Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

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I do switch up my routines somewhat when the seasons change. But right now, the weather is getting cooler AND I'm in this huge season of personal change with the separation from my husband and my step-son in the hospital.

I've been quieting my mind and letting my body guide me through this more than I usually do. As a result, I can't drink coffee in the morning, or on an empty stomach. I also don't eat until much later in the morning. My stomach just needs more time in the morning to adjust to the day before it starts working.

Making that cup of coffee and going into my studio. That was always the start of the routine.

Making a cup of herbal tea doesn't land in the same way. And decaf coffee is still too heavy for my stomach.

Sometimes when things change, we want to try to find the next most similar thing to replace it with.

Sometimes when things change, we need to figure out what else wants to change.

For me, this time, it's a whole new way of starting the day.

Today I did:

sleeping in - this was kind of disorienting but also needed, it was Thanksgiving this weekend and my first holiday without my husband was really hard.

aromatherapy - a supportive but also zingy fragrance

PAINTING in my journal not a lot of words

Following my brush around the page, just giving myself space to be and express. Having this really soft way to stat the day. This felt like THE THING I need now, instead of coffee + writing which used to be THE THING.

PS: October 18: Structure Habits Routines Zoom Call. This goes with the Structure Habits Routines journaling prompts we did a few months back, which are here.

 

 

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.