(Bear and I working from bed)
I was SO EXCITED to do this thing last night, and now that it’s today, and it’s time to do the thing…
I am exhausted. I do NOT have the energy to do this.
And I did do all the things I need to do to get my morning off right… a smoothie, bike ride to the park, now I am drinking a GIANT lavender iced latte in the park and journaling...
And I am still not feeling it.
So. Resistance, is that you? Are you behind the overwhelm and exhaustion?
Ummm. No I don’t think so. Why don’t you blame (ongoing annoying situation in my life)?
Because ongoing annoying situation is, in a sense, handled for now. Like - I have my next steps with it which I will do later. It’s not like ON MY MIND… OMG I am letting you distract me from you!
I am hard to look right at.
No shit!
Resistance just looks at me.
I just look back. Resistance feels like a he today. Kind of like… lots of dark clothing including a cape and a hat, maybe medieval or something like that.
I’m not medieval, that’s ridiculous.
OK whatever, you’re old timey somehow.
I’m ancient.
OK yeah that makes sense. But listen, don’t you remember how EXCITED I was about this project last night?
It’s easy to be excited about a creative project when you just got out of a bath and you’re on your way to sleep and there’s no way to take a step with it.
Are you saying I don’t have it in me to be excited about doing this when I can actually do this?
I’m saying when everything is in place and it’s time to take that step - that’s when all the inner shit comes up. You know this.
I know.
And then you just blame me, like I am something outside of you.
Ugggghhh.
Yeah Uggghhhhh.
I take a deep breath and a big sip of my iced coffee and ask myself what’s happening underneath the resistance.
Fear. Terror actually. What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail? What if I do my best and it turns out I can’t actually do this? Yes, it is VERY easy to feel confident when you’ve just gotten out of a bath and are on your way to bed and not anywhere near taking an actual step.
Where is the part of me who believes in me and my dreams 100%?
Buried under all of those other selves. It almost feels like they have tied her up, there’s no way for her to get free.
That’s interesting - she still believes in herself 100% EVEN WHILE TIED UP AND BURIED UNDER A PILE OF FEARS AND WORRIES AND WHAT IFs.
She’s like “Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll get out of this.”
And I know she will.
I zoom in my focus on her. Can I just work with her and ignore the other stuff?
She smiles at me and turns around to show me how her hands are tied up… the rope is tied so loosely it would be easy to get free. And when I look closer - the rope is actually liquorice.
My fears are little kids and she’s indulging them.
Together, we pick up each kid and put them down on bean bag chairs. We give them popcorn and turn on a movie. We set up some games, an art station and a nap area. We install a new light in their room which radiates love. We go to each of them, one at a time, and tell them how much we love them, exactly as they are. How proud we are of them. How happy we want them to be.
And then we close the door on their room.
And then this journaling ends abruptly because I just… got to work on that project!
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