I was having an anxious morning and didn't know what to do, so I went to the Creative Dream Alchemy Library to find something to do, and chose Dream Work. (Inner Work would have been good too, but there isn’t a way to choose wrong, doing anything is better than doing nothing).

Once in the Dream Work section, I chose the Dream Lab meditation.

I put pillows on the floor and got really comfy and really got into it…

And my dream just wouldn’t show up.

The meditation did soothe my anxiety, I felt calm from being in the field in the meditation.

But my dream was just... not there.

This is from a few weeks ago. Then last week I did the dream lab meditation in our Friday weekly call, and again - my dream would not show up.

On Friday, eventually I saw something in the meditation... me, from the back, and far away. Like I couldn't reach myself.

My dreams feel far away right now.

This has been so uncomfortable but I finally realized... this is GOOD.

My dreams are taking space to shift, grow, change, become who they want to be next.

Which means... I am taking space to shift, grow, change, become who I want to be next.

Pursing a dream is an alchemical process. You have to let it grow and change you. You have to let the dream itself grow and change.

The work is always only to keep showing up.

It doesn't matter what the outcomes are.

And it doesn't matter how many times I say that, I really prefer certain outcomes!! I prefer clarity and confidence and feeling like I am moving forward in measurable ways.

But you're not IN THE PROCESS if you only allow some parts of it.

So, I keep showing up. Even if that just means sitting in the fog and contemplating what might happen next...

I mean, if I am honest, and we should always be honest in our practice... I do know what's next. I know what's calling me and I have not been answering.

Art is calling. And I feel too heavy and tired to answer.

Maybe it's the side effects of this medication I am on, which means I'll feel better by or before early December and it will be easier to get into it then if I kept showing up in the meantime.

Maybe it's resistance, which means I just need to keep showing up and be with what's there. Maybe even make the worse art ever in my journal to help spark some flow.

Maybe it's depression, which means if I keep showing up that's actually really good for me.

I don't have to know why I feel too heavy and tired to answer this call.

I just need to keep showing up - that is how I answer the call, it just doesn't look like how I think "answering the call to make more art" should look and the older I get the more it sinks in - nothing looks like what I think it "should".

 

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