During our New Moon call last month (and you can still watch it if you haven't yet, it was a really good one!!) I received this amazingly clear and specific message for what to do in December to GET THE THING I WANT. It said to be IN the process, like a spell or a ceremony, ALL MONTH, to become this version of me who has the thing. To BE my dream self so much that I become this version of me by the end of the month so I am ready to receive/create the dream.

This is going SO WELL. Like I am feeling inspired and confident AND things are starting to shift in the outer work.

AND

I keep having this “this is too good to be true” response.

I am frustrated about this. And trying to be curious instead of frustrated.

My “teacher self” says - Ummmm you DO know that this is exactly what you signed up for!”

And she’s right. Holding an intention really firmly does seem to call in all the fears and inner doubts.

It SEEMS LIKE they all get called in but what is actually happening is that firm intention moves you towards what you want…. Which means you have to move THROUGH this stuff.

You have to deal with the things that are in the way, to get to what you want.

And I know this SO WELL but that doesn’t stop it from being SO ANNOYING.

And it feels wrong even! Like I am messing up because I keep having the “this is too good to be true” response.

So - “I am messing up” is a voice to bring to the Un-Sticking Station AND “This is too good to be true” is another one.

Where do I want to start today? I probably can only do one a day if I really want to give this some space.

I am randomly picking “I am messing up” as it feels like it has a little more energy, but it really doesn’t matter which one you go with in situations like this.

Hey, “ I am messing up” can we talk?

OMG can you help me? Can we figure out how to stop messing up?

Well, kind of, I mean, I’d like to help you feel better.

What do you mean kind of?

I don’t think we are messing up. I just want you to feel better.

She looks taken aback, and kind of falls into couch that was behind her. We are in the basement of my childhood home.

It’s just that, if things are not going well, that means we are messing up.

OK, yeah I see how you see it that way. But sweetheart, it’s not true. It was never true that it was always your fault if anything didn’t go well. Shit happens, it really just does!

Shit happens? No one is to blame? She seems incredulous.

I know exactly where this part of me is coming from. But I had no idea she was still so present with me. This is really interesting.

I put my hand over her heart. Sweetheart, nothing is your fault. You try so hard and you are doing great. 

I imagine that this is performing a healing.

I want to pull her roots out, I know they are entwined in people pleasing and working to try to earn worthiness. She desperately needs to find a way to EARN being “good enough”

You are worthy. You don’t have to earn that. You were born worthy just like everyone is. I’m so sorry the world failed you and made you feel like you were not enough.

She’s crying.

The room is transforming into a spa.

I’ve always had a little dream of turning a basement into a spa. All the surfaces covered in gorgeous tile, a hot salt pool, steam shower, etc.

So now, my childhood home’s basement, is this amazing spa and the hot salt pool is actually a LOVE AND WORTHINESS pool and this little me is soaking in it and everything she wants or needs will appear here for her while she soaks off unworthiness and soaks in self love and enoughness.

And me, my 50 year old self sitting at my desk, I feel soothed by this. 

And I feel accepting - at the start of this I was really frustrated that I seem to have all of this “inner stuff” around getting this thing I want right now, and feeling like I am messing up because because I have SO MUCH inner stuff... but now I get it.

I have been doing inner work, so it’s easy to feel like I am doing all of the inner work I need, but I see now - I need a LOT more. The outer work of this dream is really solid, it’s this inner stuff that needs to shift so I can really let this thing in.

I am working on it.

 

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