For context: the spot I shared yesterday I wrote last week. In the end, my practice encouraged me to pick a project and STICK WITH IT, finish it. I picked a project and have been really enjoying it.

BUT I will out myself here: at the end of that post I wrote that I knew I had to make a new Dream Book Projects Page and I didn't actually do that. I keep skipping out on some of these things, because I think "I've done this already" but the point is to KEEP DOING IT which is what a practice is.

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So I've been in a creative flow, and have really been enjoying the process....

Until now.

In a meditation I suddenly saw it - basically started over with a new thing... and I keep doing this. Starting over with a new thing when the thing gets hard.

BECAUSE (and I just realized this) IT FEELS TERRIFYING TO PUT NEW WORK OUT INTO THE WORLD AS IT IS RIGHT NOW.

So I'm just sitting with the terror of it.

Last week we did a Zoom on Sitting With Uncomfortable Feelings where we did just that - hold space for our own feelings without trying to change them. Just giving them space to express, which was brutal but then also led to some really good stuff. (And I am so glad to have that replay available for those moments when you really need it, that you don't have to sit with those feelings on your own)

Right now, this terror is:

A headache behind my eyes
Tension in my shoulders and the base of my neck
An increasing sense of frustration
A wish that I could stop feeling any of this
Swirls of helplessness swirling in my head
That feeling like I want to cry, but I can't

And then a "OK seriously though you're being too dramatic just stop this, turn your feelings off"

The more I pay attention to my uncomfortable feelings, the more uncomfortable feelings I seem to have but I know this won't continue like this forever.

I set up some pillows and lay on the floor.

Sadness settles in my heart and belly.
A bit of a sharp pain behind my right eye.

My arms are buzzing with frustration.

But slowly, it all fades and, without trying to, I start to notice the part of me that trusts my work and understands that this work won't save/change the world but it can be a good thing to add to it.

And that feels like enough for today.

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