It’s Friday morning. I woke up achy and headachy and crabby and I am worried I am coming down with something and I have plans this weekend that I really want to do.

So that’s the vibe I went into my daily hope practice with.

And I could not “glow hope in my body” in the meditation. I just felt frustration as a dark cloud.

So I painted my page which did make me feel a little better while I was doing it but didn’t change anything.

So I wrote about how I was feeling.

This is what makes a practice ALCHEMICAL. To have space to be with whatever comes up even and especially when it is the opposite of what you wanted.

Right now, in this moment, I HATE THIS. 

But, my frustration needs tenderness and presence.

So, hello frustration, I’m sorry you’re so uncomfortable. How can I help?

Frustration is a crabby old man who lives in the fog. He reminds me of my father’s frustration and I get this image of the fog of frustration stretching through generations.

I make it a cup of tea and give one of my gingerbread cookies from the freezer (that I made too many of on Christmas Eve when I was in the holiday spirit). (And to be honest, taking leftover gingerbread out of the freezer and dipping it in hot tea is a favourite after-Christmas childhood memory and so I want to "make too much" gingerbread most years)

I see that usually when you show up, my whole body gets agitated. We never sit calmly together. We don’t drink tea together.

“No, we really never have. I am THRILLED we are doing this now!” This old man now looks more like an elf or wizard or jolly old man. He’s dressed in so many colours.

I wonder if he has things to teach me.

I realize I don’t think I have anything to learn from frustration in the way I feel I can learn from fear or doubt. I just see it as an annoyance but it’s a feeling, it’s MY feeling, and according to my own beliefs, doesn’t that make it valid and likely even wise?

“Oh yes, I am not a crabby old man I am a WISE old man”

Well that’s fantastic! What wisdom do you have for me today?

“REST.”

Oh. Rest? Really? I’m just starting to get back into the swing of things from the holidays. I want to CREATE! And DO! NO I don't want to rest.

“Girl! It’s Jan THIRD. What are you rushing for?”

Yeah! I always get ovewhelmed in the holidays, just the way my routines get trampled. My routines NOURISH me! I want them back ASAP!

“But your routines are also about your work/creative life. What you need right now is rest. I promise you, your most hopeful self is well rested. And right now is time for more rest. You said it yourself - you woke up a little under the weather this morning.”

And then I think…. of I HAVE routines around rest and self care, like my evening routines. And those I have been doing through the holidays so….

Oh my gosh, frustration is RIGHT!

I am putting too much pressure on myself to “get back to work”

I was working on Year of Hope stuff DURING the holidays. And nothing needs to be done today so…. 

I will rest.

Wow frustration did have something to teach me.

Now I DO feel hopeful. And it feels completely true: I can't be my most hopeful self if I am not rested. And also: I can't do the kind of work I want to do if I am not well rested.

Rest/replenish is exactly where I am today. Frustration came from trying to override that to have the day I had intended to have.

 

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