I've been MIRED in self doubt the last few weeks.

This is how it works for me, when I am creating something new I am IN IT. So as I am creating Your Self Doubt Is Not Yours You Deserve To Believe In Yourself I've been MIRED in self doubt because I need to be this intimately up close with how painful and limiting it is.

Self doubt limits possibilities in ways that we DO NOT see. Even though we are self aware and doing the inner work - still, we can't see these limits that self doubt puts on us.

AND we can keep working on it! Each time we do the work we uncover new possibilities.

Self doubt also creates other unconformable feelings. And on the day I wrote this post, it was making me PANIC.

My brain has too many things to focus on.

TOO MUCH KEEPS HAPPENING!!!

I NEED THE MUCH TO STOP!! So that I can do the things I need/want to do.

Also, I do not want to do the things in a state of panic.

So. Sitting with that....

Well, I need to meet panic in the Un-Sticking Station and see what we can do.

Hello panic.

The ball of light in the meditation feels like a diamond and it opens up and invites me right in.

I curl up inside. Feeling creativity, light and knowing swirling around me, like a blanket. I feel so safe.

I don’t feel safe when I am panicking. So I must not be panicking right now, in the diamond of creativity, light and knowing. 

I do feel so grounded and stabilized once I get to that part in the meditation... The meditation feels really intense today. I turn it off when I get to the part where I invite the panic in.

Inviting panic into this diamond of creativity, light and knowing feels strange.

Panic doesn’t know how to act. I mean - it’s ungrounded and I feel SO grounded in here.

It’s this tiny thing, jumping around.

I pick it up and cuddle it.

“Listen I am so sorry you are feeling this way! But you cannot make ME panic, too. We need to work together to stop you panicking.”

Panic just looks at me with these big eyes, I can tell it has no clue how to not panic.

And suddenly I start crying.

I feel, really FEEL, how far away I am from the person I want to be. Like my life feels to noisy, too overwhelming.

Now the field of Creative Dream Alchemy is a meadow on a spring day. Gorgeous. Flowery. Welcoming.

I feel so safe and validated, I just lay here and cry.

(At this point, I go lay down to have a little cry)

Then I try to comfort my crying self.

"Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry you are so upset. I’m so sorry you feel this way. What can I do?"

And suddenly I know, all of this sadness is the core of the panic.

I remember seeing my doctor, how she made me realize that my perimenopause symptoms are worse than I thought, like I was minimizing my discomfort. I’ve needed more help for a while, and that is a difficult thing to realize.

AND. I have more help now.  So - I am getting the help I need now. AND this makes me so sad for much I’ve needed more help.

This happens!

Once we get the help we need, we sometimes grieve for our past selves who didn’t have it.

I sit with this, and the sadness starts to swirl into panic.

I take slow, deep breaths. I give myself some time….

OK panic. I’m so sorry you are upset, do you want to tell me why you’re panicking?

It’s just that too much is happening and we’re not organized and we want to do all these things but we have no plan! We’re just hoping to feel motivated and clear-headed and we really can’t rely on those things.

What would you like to rely on?

A simple but solid plan. Think it all through ONCE and don’t have to keep thinking it through each day to figure out the next steps.

That makes sense AND I wonder if there’s something more under that. Are you trying to plan everything out to control what happens to feel safe?

Yes of course!!!!

OK, I want you to feel safe. I think making a plan makes sense. AND we can’t try to 100% control everything in order to feel safe, you know?

Are you asking me to trust?

Kind of?

That’s too much right now.

Yeah, that makes sense. We can put a pin in trust and work on a plan for now.

Thank you.

Feeling so much less panicked now. Ready to make a cup of tea and get on with this plan... actually I know things ARE planned out in my project management app, it's just that my inner selves never seem to be able to see it there.

I'm going to write it all out in my journal, that helps me to see it all written out in my handwriting.

Also... did we put a pin in trust or is that what I am REALLY working on as I work on this plan?

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