Life feels intense. Getting the legal divorce done, adjusting to where I’m at in my perimenopause journey (which had briefly felt “solved” when I went on hormones because it felt like such a relief to have that support, but several months in I can see… it’s not a magic wand, it’s SO helpful and I’m grateful every day but there are still a lot of difficult symptoms), adjusting to the cost of living and the state of the economy and no longer having a partner to help with the bills or his really good health insurance, the political landscape, the way the climate crises just gets more dramatic.
It’s a lot and I feel like “like is just too fast, I need it all to slow down” and I (understandably!!) get a bit stuck in a freeze response.
Plus it’s winter, it’s like nature is calling me to hibernate.
But in the midst of all of that there are also amazing things. I have these moments of hope and optimism and this sense that I am a snake shedding its skin and my new self is about to emerge.
And this feels so confusing sometimes. And I have a lot of despair and depression which hold me in that freeze response.
But every time I sit with it…
Every time I process my thoughts and feelings and give everything space and listen to my truest truth…
I come to the same answer.
Make more art. Go deeper into the creative dreaming practices.
BUT THEN
This voice of self doubt emerges like a giant stepping out of the ocean. “You’ve been trying to do that for so long. You’ve failed. You can’t”
As a coach, I know that the BIG self doubts show up when the BIG breakthroughs are near. Or when a dream is REALLY IMPORTANT. Or when there are no real obstacles on the outside, and that’s terrifying in its own way, so self doubt comes in to create some.
As a coach, I KNOW that the big self doubts are never telling the truth. Ever.
As a human, and a sensitive one at that, it’s hard not to listen to the self doubt and feel defeated by it.
So, I am circling.
And doing what I can to shore up my self care practices, like the Year of Hope, to support me in aligning deeper with my new emerging truth and detaching from the self doubt.
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