This is continued from last week's post on Why is it PAINFUL to figure out how to have more STRUCTURE?

 

Now I’m back, as The Uncertain Despair Expert to see what I can maybe do with this foundation full of despair, so that we can create safe working conditions to build a safe, sturdy and supportive structure.

I’m wearing a blazer and a hard hat.

The little green being construction worker is here. 

Oh course I’m here, this worksite is my job. I’m here every day.

But until we can clear the despair, your only job is to ward everyone away from this place?

That’s right. Keeping everyone safe.

OK well I’m going in.

I sit at the end of the site, with my feet resting on the foundation that could, at any moment, give away to despair.

I remind myself I can lift my feet at any time and get out of despair. I breathe. I'm safe. It's ok.

Once I feel grounded and ready, I push my feet into the ground, which is soft and malleable, I can see how easy it would be to slip beneath it, right into despair.

I’d like to send a camera down there to check things out but I know what I have to do.

This is where I stopped journaling.

I just stayed with it, imagining going underneath the surface, right into the despair.

I felt all the feelings.

Which triggered lots of other feelings.

And the whole thing felt like a nightmare.

But I knew that if I avoided these feelings, I’d be avoiding the ability to get organized to do the things I want to do in the ways I want to do them.

So I stayed with it and eventually drew a map of how it felt:

That one at the bottom - is this endless? - sparked a lot of fear.

And the rest of the day really sucked, but the next day, and ever since, I've been feeling so much clearer. And, step by step, I have been putting a new structure in place for how I want to do things.

 

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