I keep noticing this about my divorce - I am frustrated with myself for marrying the “wrong” person.
I’m asking - how did it feel so RIGHT to marry him when obviously it was a big mistake? Why didn’t I know better?
And these are all such un-helpful questions.
But underneath them is this big raging fear that I’ve been needing to sit with:
Can I trust the way I make decisions?
Because it DID feel SO RIGHT to marry him and this is where that led me so… do I stop doing things that feel SO RIGHT out of fear that everything will blow up in my face?
Now - all FEELINGS and REACTIONS to feeling are VALID and all but they are not TRUE.
And while I’ve been sitting with this feeling because it keeps coming back to me I know that actually I didn’t do anything wrong.
A lot of traumatic things happened to my partner before and while we were together. And his increasing reliance on alcohol to cope with that trauma changed him dramatically and altered what kind of relationship was possible.
None of that is on me.
AND just because it did all blow up in my face, does that mean I shouldn’t have done it?
Is it a GOAL or a DREAM of mine to never have things go wrong?
Because YIKES! The kind of control you need to try to exert over the universe to avert all disaster is not appealing to me at all.
So.
If I am listening to my own truth, accepting that things happened the way they happened is the only way.
AND
This is hard.
This isn’t just about my divorce.
I’ve worked with SO MANY PEOPLE who followed their dreams and it made a huge mess in their lives.
This does happen. It IS a thing.
There is risk in following a dream! Not because dreams are inherently risky, but because our culture doesn't support us in being our true selves. Our culture rewards conformity, the people who conform the most AND have the most intersections of privilege are going to be the safest.
Following a dream is a risk and doesn’t always pay off.
I mean there is lots to be said about how failure is inevitable, it teaches us and helps us along the path, and we need to normalize the idea that things WILL fall apart and we WILL create something new from the ashes.
But most people feel alone in this, because no one is talking about it.
Everyone is out there sharing little quotes about healing and courage and following your dreams and no one is sharing quotes about being in the mess that’s left when it all blows up in your face.
But this is a part of it.
Nothing is forever. Relationships. Businesses. Careers. Our health and our lives!
So, these questions that are coming up for me about CAN I TRUST THE WAY I MAKE DECISIONS? CAN I TRUST MY DREAMS? are not actually questions, they are fears.
Totally valid things to feel.
I am sifting through a LOT of different conflicting feelings right now. And I want to validate and FEEL them all… but not let them make decisions for me.
Your dreams may blow up in our face and make a huge mess in your life and this does not mean that you did anything wrong.
Shit happens!
You are a creative genius and you can make magic out whatever life throws your way.
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