Once in a while I think… I should check in with this “year long resistance project” I am doing, and then I feel a LOT of resistance to that idea, so I don’t.

The start of this project was amazing, the commitment and determination I felt was so energizing. That energy helped me explore more deeply and come up with really good little changes to make (little as in DO-ABLE) that made a huge difference.

I am nowhere near as resistant now, as I in January.

And, I am still going through a divorce. Now I understand why it’s called “going through” a divorce. It’s a lot to go through, and a lot of it has nothing to do with the relationship, it’s just a big life change. So some days I am going through as in struggling to get through and some days I am going through as in moving along the path.

And it’s all connected.

My sensitivities. The ways I get overwhelmed. The ways I respond when I am overwhelmed.

I’m starting to feel like I’ve been in a nervous system freeze response since the start of the pandemic, and I am coming out of if now.

So, some of my resistance is nervous system overwhelm. Which needs rest and restoration.

And some of it is my own fears and self doubt trying to stop me. Which needs presence, focus, intention, healing, and ACTION.

Life is so complicated. Our creative dreams ask us to be more alive, more engaged with all parts of our lives and this just makes a complicated thing more complicated.

AND more meaningful and fulfilling and joyful.

AND… am I writing all of this to avoid actually looking at my resistance? lol

Thinking about resistance is kind of like thinking AROUND resistance and the only way out is THROUGH.

So, resistance, let’s talk.

Resistance shows up as a snake.

Slippery, hard to hold onto (and ewww I don’t actually want to hold onto it) and changes it’s skin continually.

I spread a blanket out on the ground, and put out a picnic.

Let’s talk.

The snake is enjoying a cup of tea and a cookie. But it’s skin keeps changing, I can’t tell what it is.

I’m not one thing.

Sometimes I protect you. Sometimes I hold you back. Don’t try to understand me, focus on knowing your relationship with me.

So…

Be more still.

Really listen to myself.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

Does it feel like I need to rest?

Does it feel like I need to do the thing I am resisting?

Does it feel like I need to do something else?

There are so many layers to our feelings.

So many ways our conditioned patterns pop up and interfere with us knowing our truth. And then whole new layers of conditioned patterns pop up and interfere with us acting on our truth, once we finally know it.

This is a work in progress.

 

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