I’ve been really snippy lately – just?quick?to get frustrated when things don’t go right.

The holidays are a stressful time.

Most years I take great effort to avoid this and to create a really peaceful and happy end of the year – but?this year I just walked right into the madness of the holidays.

(Last year I even did a whole class on having a happy, calm and peaceful holiday season, which is now in the Creative Dream Circle?- at the beginning of the month I reminded the Circle members that it’s there if they need it but I didn’t think I needed it. ?Ha.)

I just walked downtown in the snow before sunrise – one of my treasured winter rituals which usually makes me feel so peaceful and happy.

But this morning I spent the whole walk following my negative thoughts around in sad, angry circles.

And then when I got to the coffee shop to work of course I couldn’t. ?I mean I can’t do the work I do from?that kind of headspace.

So I am asking my cranky feeling to meet with me and see if we can work this out.

Cranky feeling appears as a blue haired fairy. ?Her fairy wand is bent… actually when I look closer, she looks like she’s been on a bender.

Hey fairy, how are you doing?

How am I doing? How can anyone be expected to think with that horrible banging? ?What is that?

That’s the music in the coffee shop.

It’s terrible.

Well, yeah, but I’m sure the next song with be less bangy.

Let’s never come here again the sound system is wrong for my ears.

OK, I agree. ?But since we’re here now I’d like to be able to just get to work.

Hmrph.

What else is bothering you?

Well everything is changing and I’m so scared. ?

The fairy bursts into tears.

Oh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling scared. ?How can I help?

[Fairy asks for something that I don’t want to share online]

Well, my intuition says yes.

But I say no!

Hmmm, can you remember some other times when my intuition said yes and you said no? ?Like when I bought the loft? ?You were terrified, remember?

Yeah….

And that worked out really well, right?

Well…

And then this bright light eclipses everything.

My heart softens.

I remember that I can trust my inner truth.

I look around for the fairy, she’s teeny tiny now, sitting?on the armrest of the chair. ?I pick her up and put her in the palm of my hand.

I want you to feel safe – more safe, more of the time. ?How can I do that?

I want you to be more aware of how much things are changing! You’re just?carrying on like you’re fine! ?

Well I guess I thought I was fine.

I want you to be more present with the change, so I can be fine too.

Oh, ok I see that. ?I’m sorry I haven’t been doing that for you. ?I love you, you know. ?I want to take care of you. I don’t want you to feel afraid.

Fairy sparkles for a few minutes, then flies into my heart.

Here’s what I got?from this:

Well, first – a healing. ?My heart is soft and sparkly and I’m not all cranky anymore.

But more importantly?I got a reminder that that small, scared parts of me are small and scared.

Small as in easy for me to not notice.

Scared as in really afraid of things that I think are “not a big deal”.

This is one of the ways that stuff like PMS is actually a gift – it makes those small things bigger and sharper and unavoidable.

We think we’re being crazy, getting so upset about something so insignificant.

But we’re not crazy.

The world we live in is crazy.

We do our best to cope and carry on like everything is fine, but?these?tender, vulnerable parts of us always remember that what’s happening out there in the world?is completely crazy.

And we need to tend to these tender, vulnerable parts of us so that they don’t get hard, so that we don’t get hard.

Because when we’re hard we disconnect from our inner gifts.

And when we’re disconnected from our gifts the whole world changes.

It gets harder and meaner. ?And we get harder and meaner in response. ?Or we get sad. ?Or we just shut down and get really quiet and small.

And suffice it to say, that path that doesn’t lead to your dream.

So as uncomfortable as it it so make space for the discomfort – what else are you going to do?

And for?Creative Dream Circle members: remember you can take your holiday crankies into the Un-Sticking Station so you can transform them into helpful gifts.

PS: Come back next?week – I’ll have free journaling + coloring pages for you to download.

In my journaling practice, I keep encountering this part of me who has been working very hard for a very long time to create safety for me.

It sees every potential pitfall in life and tries to guard against them.

So while I’m skipping towards the things I want, this part of me is trying to pull me back because it believes that avoiding pitfalls is more important than chasing dreams.

Meanwhile my wisest and most heart-connected self believes that I do need to be moving towards what feels true for me – pitfalls or not.? In a universe that is always expanding I can’t contract myself and my life for fear of getting hurt along the way.

Plus – getting hurt along the way is often a part of the process, and a place where I learn a lot.? So it’s really not something to be avoided.

This creates a tug-of-war in my inner world.

When I left my day job to be a full time dreamer, this part of me started working double overtime.

So I had to spend more time working with it, bringing in healing and love and calm to transform this part of me.? I didn’t want to obliterate it or pretend I didn’t have this huge knot in my stomach and slap a big “fake it till you make it” smile over it.

My aim was to love it and give it what it needed to settle down and be happy – to heal and transform it.? To take all the energy and power that the fear had and re-write it to do something more useful for me.

For me, dealing with this part of me was the hardest part of the change from employee to my own boss.? It mean facing my own worst fears and learning how to access more inner strength than I knew I had.

And now here I am again.

It’s definitely not as dramatic or intense right now, but as I have set new intentions for what I want to create in my life as I work through Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance, this part of me has been re-activated.

So when this part of me popped up in my journaling recently I was not very happy.

I felt exhausted and overwhelmed at the thought of working with this part of me again.? I wrote in my journal:

Oh shit. This is going to be a Big Job.

But you know what?? It’s not.

In the journal classes I teach, I show how to work with symbols and essence and how doing this opens up new possibilities.? It’s a way of dropping the story and getting to the heart of what’s actually happening and then changing it – which then changes the story in the outer world.

I created symbols for the thing I want and for safety and then looked at how they play together.? This is where it got really interesting.

They didn’t play nice.

The thing I want actually CLOBBERED the symbol for safety.? It didn’t trust safety, which startled me.

And safety wasn’t too thrilled about having to hang out with the thing I wanted either.

And then the symbols showed me the truth: There’s nothing wrong with the quality of safety but trying to CREATE safety is what fucks me up.

Because I am inherently safe.

(And so are you)

Trying to create safety means giving weight to the belief that I am small and separate from life, that the universe doesn’t care about me and that there are pitfalls to be avoided.

Obviously, in the physical world there are pitfalls to be avoided – that’s not what this is about.

This is about living from a sense of internal trust.

Trusting my dreams.

Trusting my self.

Trusting the process.

Trusting in meaning and purpose.

Trusting that there are no pitfalls to avoid because I can handle whatever comes my way.

Trusting that as long as I am allowing my intuition to lead me I’m always in the right place.

Trusting the mystery.

Remembering that I am already safe.

Trusting that I am safe allows me to relax into the process.

Trying to create safety holds me out of the process because I’m too busy trying to control the universe, which strengthens the belief that I am small and alone and powerless.? Not a recipe for creative dream success.

Back when I first left my job and was just getting settled in my new life as a dreamer I did need to coddle and soothe these fears – they were too big and agitated for me to just say “Hey, dude, chill out and trust the process”and working with them brought me the insights I needed to do the healing work that needed to be done at that time.

And that brought me to where I am now.

And now that I am on more stable ground a different approach is needed.

By meeting with the heart/soul/essence of how you’re feeling and bringing in love and healing it’s so much easier to see what, exactly, you need to move towards what you want.? (For Creative Dream Circle members – the video in the Un-Sticking Station leads you through this process)

My main project for this year is Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance – to do this work and see where it takes me.

The only way that depth work is predictable is that you can be sure it’s going to lead you right into the thing you want to explore the least.? This weekend, it led me to DESPAIR.

Despair often comes up in response to setting a clear intention to move forward.? Not because it’s an asshole and wants you to be miserable, but because your clear intention is asking you to deal with the despair that lives within you.

For me, this weekend, I noticed that one of the things that really bothers me about despair is how familiar the energy of it feels.? Like yes it’s always there, beneath everything else, waiting for it’s change to spring up and devour me.

And because I find the energy of it so uncomfortable, I avoid actually working with it.? Instead I focus on finding ways to feel better – which doesn’t change it or move it at all.? It keeps it right where it is in my inner world – it feels like kind of an underground river, only made of something much heavier than water.

So, I did what I am always telling my Circle members to do – I took it into the Un-Sticking Station.? This is what happened:

Oh, hello despair.? Wow, you ARE an underground river.? A very sad underground river.? That’s interesting – I didn’t realise you would be sad, I thought you were just mean and wanted me to be sad, but you’re the one who is sad.

(the river just kind of sighs and frowns)

Well, I’m sorry I have avoided you so much, you scare me.? But I didn’t mean to leave you here, all sad and alone.

I spread out my pink blanket on the grass and sit down beside the river.

“So, what do you want?” I ask.

At first, the river just looks sad.? I can’t tell if it knows what it wants but is shy about saying it, or if it doesn’t even know what it wants.? Then it shows me:

Light.

This was meant to be a river of light.? Flowing, underground, through the depths of my inner world.

Possibility and hope and love and light and all things sparkling and magical.

But every time I hoped for something and didn’t get it and my heart was crushed, some of that crush fell down and the river got a little muddy.? And I’ve been here for forty years so I have been crushed a few times and here it all is, clogging up the river with despair.

I just sit with that for a while.

The river starts to lighten up.

And I start to see how it was never really a river of despair.? It remains a river of light and the despair is just silt.? Really, anyone with a despair-magnet could just pull the despair out of the river and clean it right out.

And tiny little chunks of despair start to lift up out of the river and as the dust lands on the river banks and I notice something really interesting… the despair/silt can actually be used to build the river banks.? To hold and shape the river.? To direct the light.

I can use the crushing experiences to direct the river of possibility that flows through my inner world.

Will keep working with this in my Grow Your Depth journal…

(For Circle members: I’m going to post this in the Un-Sticking Station and update it there to hare how I work with it and what else I learn about it.)

Tiny Fairy Tales are stories from my journal where I work with the Un-Sticking Station (inside the Creative Dream Circle) to help me sort out and smooth out what’s going on in my inner world.

As I said at the end of my Who do you think you are? post from last week, Debbie Doubter and I have more work to do.

But she’s not showing up as Debbie Downer anymore, the voice of self-doubt became more subtle and insidious over the weekend.

And I’ve just been trying to swim away from it, but it just follows me everywhere I go.? It hasn’t been fun.

I’ve been avoiding my practice and resisting my work with Grow Your Depth because it feels like facing this self-doubt this is the next thing I have to do on that path and I don’t feel ready.? I don’t feel strong enough or sure enough.

I don’t feel ready and I’ve been letting that stop me even though I know that we never feel ready.

And waiting until you’re “ready” is just a way of avoiding the journey.

I don’t want to avoid this journey.? I trust my intention for Grow Your Depth, I trust that this process is bringing me exactly what I need.

It’s just that so much has changed already.? It’s working, and that’s scary sometimes.

Hmmm.? Until I sat down to start journaling with self doubt, I didn’t realise that I’ve been letting self-doubt slow me down because I am afraid because things have been going so well.

Like, my problem is not even about self-doubt, I just need a little space to adjust.

My intentions for Grow Your Depth were about wanting to have more fun, make new friends, feel more grounded in my daily practices and in how I run my business, be more creatively inspired and engaged and a secret “impossible dream”.

Clearly, I was ready to have these things because they’re coming in much faster than I thought they could.? Even the impossible stuff.? I was more ready than I thought I was.

Isn’t that interesting, now the self doubt feels like just a smokescreen.

Just a tiny voice who wanted to say “Hey, can we slow down a bit and give me a chance to integrate to where we are now?” but didn’t know how to say that.? Or I didn’t know how to hear it.

But now that I do hear it: Yes, we can slow down a bit.

Yes, I can give myself space to accept the gifts that are coming in now.? And focus on appreciating where I am now.? And look at my next steps without pushing myself to take them as fast as I can.

Tiny Fairy Tales are stories from my journal where I work with the Un-Sticking Station (inside the Creative Dream Circle) to help me sort out and smooth out what’s going on in my inner world.

Vulnerability is a tiny flower, so tiny it’s hard to notice that it’s actually a ballerina – what you think are flower petals are actually her tutu.

But if you get in close enough to see that she’s a ballerina and not a flower – you’re too close.

It’s harder for her to dance when someone can see that it’s a dance and not just petals bouncing in the breeze.? So hard that sometimes she just freezes up and cries and hopes you’ll go away.

Not that she doesn’t like you, of course.? It’s just that what if you don’t like her dance?

No one really judges the way a flower bounces in the wind.? People do judge the way ballerinas dance.? And this ballerina cares so much about the world that she wants to delight it.

Vulnerability wants to hide.? But she can’t delight the world if she stays in hiding.? So she camouflages instead.

When I feel vulnerable I don’t feel like a delicate tiny ballerina at all.? When I feel vulnerable I feel raw.? I feel like a giant and like everyone can see me and everyone can tell that I am just barely keeping it together.

The tiniest things get magnified when I feel vulnerable.

So what can the ballerina teach me about navigating being in an uncomfortable state of vulnerability?

(Because sometimes I feel vulnerable and it’s not uncomfortable)

Camouflage.? It’s a way of creating safety.

But camouflage is a way of fitting into a world that I don’t want to fit in with.

Oh.? Well that reminds me that vulnerability is actually a part of living my truth which is actually really important to me so damn.

Being vulnerable means my heart is exposed.

And that’s actually exactly how I want to live.

Tiny Fairy Tales are stories from my journal where I work with the Un-Sticking Station (inside the Creative Dream Circle) to help me sort out and smooth out what’s going on in my inner world.

The pink haired fairy princess has not moved in days.

Why? Why is it so hard to move?

She can’t see anything.? With great effort, she starts to move her hands in front of her only to discover that she is flat up against a cool stone wall.

She looks down.? Oh.? She’s standing on a tiny ledge.? High up on the wall.

How did I get here?

Well, maybe it would be better to focus on the more pressing question… how are you going to get out of here?

The fairy princess isn’t sure who’s talking but is grateful for the advice.

Right, ok. I can’t go forward, I can’t go down…. hmm.? Maybe I can go up??

She reaches her hands up and sure enough, there is a ledge.? She grabs it, hoists herself up and finds herself staring into the kingdom of that-thing-she-wanted.

Oh right.? Now she remembers how she got up on this ledge.? Procrastination.? She had been poking around on facebook when she made one wrong click and found herself here.

She sits down and cries.

I want that thing that I want so badly.? But I can’t go down there.? They’ll all laugh at me, I won’t fit in, it’s not going to work, I don’t have time, I need to focus on something more productive.

Suddenly she wishes for the comfort of being flat up against the cool stone wall.? At least from there there was nothing she had to do and no one asking her to be brave.

Maybe I can just hop down there, quickly sneak out and go for lunch.

Lunch? You think lunch is going to help?

It’s that voice again.

I’m hungry, I don’t know how long I was pushing against that wall, but, yeah I think lunch will help.

What will it help you do?

Gather myself!

Gather… what?? You’re right here, aren’t you?? What needs gathering?

The fairy princess closes her eyes.

I need to gather my thoughts.? Figure out what to do.

Figure out what to do? You’re looking straight at the thing you want, and you want sulk away and figure out what to do about it? How about going over there and grabbing it?

Grabbing?!? It?

The fairy princess realises her invisible life coach is making some sense.? This is exactly what had been wanting to do, before she started procrastinating, before she started poking around on facebook…

So now that she found it, why did she want to escape?

These “why” questions you ask yourself are not helping.? Trying to figure out why keeps you stuck in the situation.? Honey, you only have 2 choices: go grab the thing you want or go have lunch.? You can’t stay here.

The princess feels a kick on her back, turns around and sees a big chicken.

A chicken.? My life coach is a chicken.

Actually, it looks like YOU’RE the chicken.

I know I want it, I know it’s right there, but I’m scared… yeah, I’m chicken.

So why don’t you just go have lunch then?? If you’re a chicken then go be a chicken.

Happily eating her sandwich, sitting under a tree, the fairy princess felt much better.

Being a chicken is better than staying pressed up against the wall pretending not to be a chicken.

Baby steps.

I’m trying to do the thing that I want to be doing today.? But there is this fairy buzzing around.

I mean, she’s not buzzing, she’s standing.? And she’s not a fairy, deep down what she really is is a fairy, but what she’s being right now is more of an oaf.

Fairy cries.

I’m sorry, I’m not meaning that as an insult, I’m just trying to explain the situation.? You do seem like an oaf.

Don’t you see?!? It’s these boulders!? I’ve got BOULDERS on my SHOULDERS!

Sure enough, she’s got bounders on her shoulders and that is enough to make anyone appear oak-like.

Can I help take them off?

No! I need them.? The boulders are my wings.? My wings turned into boulders.? We need to turn them back into wings, not cut them off!?

I look at her.? I look at my notebook.? See, I’m trying to do the thing that I wanted to do today.? And the fairy has been distracting me and now she wants to me get involved in this boulder-transformation process but really I need to do the thing that I want to do today.

Fairy moves to stand between me and my notebook.

Look, I don’t know how to turn boulders into wings.

But you’ve got the magic.

I know.? But it’s, like, I don’t know, everything is off today and I just want to do the thing that I wanted to do today.

Well, you’d be doing it if you wanted to be doing it.? I’m here because you’re not doing it.? I came here to help you do it.

How?

A little help with the boulders?

I’m sorry fairy, I don’t know how to transform boulders into wings.? I don’t even know how to do the thing I want to do today.

Oh that.? You can do that.? You can do THAT in your sleep.? You’re not doing it not because you don’t know how.? You’re not doing it because of the boulders.? You need the boulders transformed as much as I do.

Hmm.

(long silence)

Yeah, ok.? Let’s explore.? I reach around the fairy to grab my notebook and open it up to a fresh new page:

BOULDERS: heavy, earth-bound

WINGS: light, fly-sky

So bounders and wings are kind of the opposite of each other.? What made the wings become their opposite?

Fairy holds up a mirror and sure enough, I am the opposite of myself.

(long silence)

Shit.

(long silence)

I turn to a fresh page in my journal: I need a re-me-i-fier.

A clear glass chamber appears and I step in.? There are all these buttons I can press.? Stillness seems like the best one to try, so I hit Stillness and I am transported to the park, in the early early morning.? Birds are singing, ducks are swimming and I am still.? I breathe it in.

Next I try Creative.? I am transported over to the other side of the Dream Loft, surrounded by driftwood and papier mache and paints.? I’m inspired and excited and alive.? I breath it in.

I am me again.

And the fairy flies away.

I keep sitting down to do The Thing and then not doing The Thing.

I also keep not sitting down.? I’m doing dishes and sweeping the floor and puttering around.

What’s up with this? I want to do The Thing.? But every time I go to do it I don’t do it.

The part of me that doesn’t want to do The Thing is a pouty little girl.

What’s up?

We don’t HAVE TO do this so why do you keep making me sit down at this typewriter? It makes no sense. I want to play.

What do you mean we don’t HAVE TO do this? I want to do this, don’t you?

Well, the point of it is to make money, right? And we don’t need money right now.

Well the point of it isn’t to make money, the point is to [purpose of The Thing].

The pouty girl lights up.

I like that!? I love it actually. I want this!

Yes! Me too!? So how about we sit down and work on this, now fueled by how much we love the purpose of The Thing?

Yeah. She says, less enthusiastically…

Oh. There really isn’t any resistance.? But the timing feels off.

So I go visit my inner time-keeper, the wizard who lives inside the big grandfather clock.

He gives me a great big hug.

Oh sweetie, why do you do this to yourself? Why do you push against time?? The project is still baking!

The wizard points to the oven and sure enough there’s the project, baking.

My impatience just kind of melts away.? The pattern of pushing myself to get to work while also resisting getting to work melts away.

I love this project and want it to be baked to perfection.

And so I went off to play.

Overwhelm is moving so fast I can’t really see it.? But I can tell that it feels actually kind of happy, like there are a lot of different possibilities dancing in it.

Huh, this is interesting – I feel overwhelmed, and yet overwhelm feels like dancing.? What?

Deep breath.? I just want to meet myself where I am.? I don’t have to make sense of where I am.? My feelings don’t have to make sense, they are valid just as they are.

OK, I am confused because I feel overwhelmed but overwhelm seems to feel happy.? So why can’t I just feel happy?

Overwhelm is a juggling act that is moving so fast I can’t see exactly what is happening.? I worry that things will get lost in the juggling.

Overwhelm trusts itself to handle everything.

So does that mean I don’t trust myself to handle everything?

No, I guess I don’t.? Because I am worried about dropping things.? And I’m worried about not dropping things, but exhausting myself in the process.? I’m worried about not doing my best work.? I’m worried about making the wrong decision.? I’m worried that people will be upset that I am not doing things they way that they want me to do things.

Take each of those worries, and times by the four major projects that each need to be done RIGHT NOW.? And then throw in the 2 projects that I really want to be doing.

Yeah, I see why I feel overwhelmed.

I am so curious!? Why is overwhelm happy and dancing?

(more sitting with it)

I see it more clearly now, it looks like a whirling dirvish (Sufi dancer).? This isn’t the best photo, but this is where I saw whirling dirvishes, inside an old hamman, in Istanbul:

How amazing is this?? I LOVED the whirling dirvishes.? I totally remember that night, they were not spinning out of control.? More like spinning in ecstasy.

All these projects, all these decisions, all these worries, this is what I’m dancing with right now.

The more things I am dancing with, the more potential the dance contains.? It’s a good thing.

That’s why overwhelm feels happy.? Potential and possibilities and creating wonderful new things.? Dancing new dreams into life.

Ummmm, so I don’t actually feel overwhelmed at all.

It’s just my fears and inner critics get stirred up by new things, so they are stirred up, and they made up a story about overwhelm (!) ?The purpose of the story is to slow me down and keep me where I am.

Holy crap!? My whole life I have been easily overwhelmed and I feel that starting to unravel right now.

• I don’t actually feel overwhelmed if I do one thing at a time.
• I don’t actually feel overwhelmed when I am trusting myself.
• II don’t actually feel overwhelmed if I being present and emotionally honest with myself.

Most of the times when I have felt overwhelmed, really I was just believing a bullshit story that my fears and inner critics were telling me.

So what does that mean?? What do I do with this?? How does knowing this change what’s happening for me right now?

• The many projects on my plate feel a little more fun and a little less daunting.
• I’m remembering how much I love my work and am grateful for these projects.
• I have more permission to take the time I need to get things done.
• I’m remembering that things usually take less time than I think they will.? Um, except for the times when things take more time than I think they will.? The more important thing to remember here is that the timing really isn’t up to me.
• It feels easy to approach my Creative Genius Planning Session for this week from a spirit of curiosity and trust and to find a way to make it all work.
• I still have more questions than answers, but instead of that feeling frustrating and scary it feels like a natural part of growing and creating.? And it gets to suck and feel frustrating sometimes but that doesn’t have to throw the whole dance off it’s rhythm.
• I trust myself to do my best.
• My stomach isn’t all in knots anymore.

So now I’m feeling like my insides were just re-arranged, so I will stop there for tonight, and come back to this tomorrow in my Creative Genius Planning Session.

These stories I’ve been sharing, of meeting with resistance and overwhelm and procrastination are my notes from my trips to the Un-Sticking Station in the Creative Dream Circle – notes from the intuitive healing process.

Last week I shared a story about feeling resentful.

So later on I sat with my glowing red ember.

You can’t heal anything that you can’t be with.

And it turns out I have a long history of not being with this glowing red ember, and I don’t really know how to be with it.

So I start by asking it what it wants.

It wants space.? Space to glow red and hot.? But BIG space, and PRIVATE space, so that she can glow as red and hot as she likes and she won’t hurt anyone.

Like a cave?

Yes, like a cave.? A cave that no one can come in.

No one? Ever? I love that you don’t want to hurt anyone but I would sure love to come and visit you, if that’s ok with you.

Oh yes! I would love visitors!? I just don’t want anyone to wander into the cave not knowing that I am here, and get burned.

So many if we set up a little checkpoint to let people know you’re here, so they can be careful?

Yes, I like that.

I sit down along the walls of the cave.? The glowing red ember is glowing in the center of the cave.

Is this enough room?

Yes, I like this.? I really like having space to glow.

I kept you buried for a long time, and you didn’t have space to glow, right?

Well, I was still still glowing.? It’s just that the dirt glowed.? Here, when I have more space, the air glows.? I really like it when the air glows.

Hmmm.? A little ironic that my resentment is not resentful towards me for burying her.

Oh gosh no, I love you.? I’m here to help.

Something deep inside me shifted when I realised that, and I sat with it for a few days.

I always love when my clients feel resentful about something because resentment tends to come from deep self-care.? Resentment speaks up for you when you’re not doing the best job of speaking up for yourself.

So I was feeling resentful about how much time I put into creating my classes and how much time the new Mandala class was going to take.? Which is weird, because I LOVE creating classes and I LOVE that this is my job and I am GRATEFUL.

But, apparently, also resentful.

When I gave BOTH my love of what I’m doing and resentment towards what I’m doing space to exist and be three things became very clear:

1. I am not unhappy with what I’m doing.? I’m very happy actually.
2. There is this other thing I want to be doing too.
3. It would be easy for me to make space to do BOTH things.? In fact, the other thing I want to do will fuel and nurture the classes, and vice versa.

The red glowing ember is glowing happily.

It just wanted me to be doing more things I could love doing.

I feel resentful, and ashamed that I feel resentful and resisting both feeling resentful and feeling ashamed and telling myself I should feel differently.

Oy. No wonder it is hard to get to work this morning.

My feelings, even the most vicious and angry ones, rarely show up as monsters. But today, this feeling, is a monster.

I?m sitting across the table from it. I?m placing two facts on the table:

1. How I feel is valid. It doesn?t have to make sense to my logical mind.
2. This is the time of the month when everything feels wrong. Maybe I can cut myself some slack?

As the monster picks up these two facts, he transforms into the Cookie Monster. The two facts are now chocolate chip cookies which are quickly being gobbled up.? There are crumbs flying everywhere.

Crumbs. Little crumbs of what is true.

I get to feel how I feel. Things get to suck right now. Or, actually things don?t suck but I get to feel like they suck.

Well that doesn?t make sense. Life is going soooo good for you right now, it?s so stupid that you would feel resentful about anything! Look at how much you have!

So, you can?t agree that my feelings don?t have to make sense? Would you say that to someone else? If someone felt sad would you tell them to feel happy?

No. Of course not. If you felt sad that would be ok. But resentful? With everything that you have? That?s gross.

Oh, so I don?t get to feel resentful, ever?

You have no reason to.

Why is resentful different from sad? If I can be sad for no reason why can?t I be resentful for no reason?

Because resentful is ugly. You have to be a small bitter little person to be resentful when you have everything that you have.

Wow, who make up that rule?

It?s just?. I don?t know. It?s true.

Remember that cookie you ate that said that how I feel is valid?

Yeah, it?s giving me indigestion.

OK. So if all feelings are valid, then you get to feel judgmental and upset that I feel resentful, and I get to feel resentful.

I hand Cookie Monster some bubblegum flavoured medicine for his indigestion.

Yikes!? I was trying to change how the monster felt, so it would validate how I feel.

But the truth is that all feelings are valid and there is space here for all feelings.

The table got bigger, and instead of sitting at small, hard chairs now we?re sitting in great big comfy stuffed sofas.

But it?s interesting, Cookie Monster, how much judgement and upset you have towards me feeling resentful.? When did it become a rule that I don?t get to feel resentful?

Oh. Right. That’s when.

OK, no need to re-hash that story but yes I see where and when and how it became a rule that I don?t get to feel resentful. And I see that you, Cookie Monster, are trying to make sure I?m ok.

Because it?s not safe to feel resentful.

But that was then. And now I make the rules. And it really is a rule that I get to feel whatever I actually feel.

*poof* Cookie Monster disappears.

I am alone with my resentment, which is a small red glowing ember.

It feels like it?s been buried for a long time. And it has a lot that it can teach me, but first we need to get to know each other.

Let’s call him PAGTTTS.

He’s sitting across the table from me, in his fancy expansive suit and crisp white papers, which he is tapping on the table, to get the stack perfectly stacked.

I think you’ll be interested in what these here papers have to say.

I kind of doubt that.

You can’t ignore what people think.? This is important.

The stack of papers is growing as you’re speaking.? Don’t you think they’ll keep growing as I am reading them? How could I ever keep up?

Keeping up isn’t the point.? Being informed is the point.? You always have to be as informed as you possibly can be and you’re not getting any closer just sitting there ignoring the growing stack.

No, being informed can’t be the point.? WHY do you want me to be informed?

What are you, a moron?? I want you to be informed so that you know what people want, so that you do what they want, so that they are happy with everything you do.

*cue Mission Impossible theme.

You see that that’s not possible, right?

PAGTTTS puts the stack down and puts both hands down onto the table and leans forward in a menacing way.? He means it to be menacing but that stack of papers is growing so fast I can’t even see him.

Look, can’t you see that you’re drowning in other people’s opinions and that the problem is only getting worse?

The problem is only getting worse because you are ignoring the papers.

OK, Stop.

I get up and take the stack of papers and put them into their own special house, which can grow along with the stack if need be.

PAGTTTS shrinks.? I bring him a booster seat.

Look, I want us to work this out.? But I can’t talk to you through the stack of paper.

It’s not just a stack of paper, it’s other people’s opinions and they matter.

The stack is out of control.? Look at the house I put it in just a few seconds ago.? It’s 57 stories tall already.? You can put on all the power suits in the world you’re still not going to be powerful enough to handle the stack.? It’s not handle-able.

That’s my job.? Don’t tell me not to do my job.

Your job is to make sure I know what everyone else wants, always, so I can do what everyone else wants, always, so everyone else is happy with me and my work, always.? Is that right?

Don’t you see how much easier your life would be if you were working with me on this?? Everyone would be happy with you, always!

Everyone, except me.

What?? PAGTTTS had started getting bigger but now he shrunk right back down to toddler size.

If I’m just doing what other people want me to be doing then I might as well be a robot.?? That is a BETRAYAL of my creativity and my purpose.? When I make “making other people happy” more important than “doing what is true for me” I don’t do what is true for me and dilute my power and my purpose.

I’m holding up 2 computer chips: one is Making Other People Happy and the other is Doing What Is True For Me.? Only one can fit in the computer.

Other people’s opinions are other people’s business – not mine.? They get between me and my creativity and purpose and make progress impossible.

There is silence for a few minutes.

Listen mister I don’t want to offend you but I can not and will not waste my precious life keeping tabs on what everyone else wants me to do.? I’m putting my foot down.

And just like that, PAGTTTS transforms into Glinda the Good Witch.

That’s a pretty costume, but I think you’re just trying to fool me into doing what you want by making me think you’re on my side.

I am on your side!? But PAGTTTS is having a hard time keeping his costume on and now Glinda is wearing a power suit and looking very uncomfortable.

Don’t you see what happens when I try to make everyone happy?? It’s crazy-making.

Also, have you not heard of sovereignty?

Oh! Of course, that’s it.? Approval-seeking keeps everyone out of their thrones.

I place a crown on PAGTTTS’s head.

PAGTTTS is now a very happy baby, in a purple velvet throne wearing a ridiculously jeweled crown.

I turn around and look into the mirror behind me.? Sure enough, my crown is intact.? And I’m ready to get back to work, creating work that some people will surely misunderstood and others will surely dislike but it’s not my job to pay attention to any of that.

I look at what I’ve done so far on my project and decide to shelve the whole thing and start over.? Turn out PAGTTTS was whispering in my ear and throwing me off track the whole time.? I’m ready now, to do this my way.

My tiny fairy tales are my notes from visiting the Un-Sticking Station inside the Creative Dream Circle which un-sticks stucks like: procrastination, perfectionism, fear, lack of clarity, not knowing what to do and not believing in yourself enough to make your dream real. I created the Un-Sticking Station because I get stuck every day and no not want to STAY stuck, ever.