As I shared in my post about how my 20 year old dream is coming true,? I wanted to share stories and photos of my process as I make my deck of Magic Journaling Cards.

Today I was going to start writing about that and here I am – having a shitty day.

So I guess this is where I’m starting with the telling of my stories.

I have everything going for me on this project.? I have the time and energy and resources to get this done.? I have a fantastic plan that feels really comfortable and spacious and inspiring.? I have people emailing me letting me know they are “first in line” to buy the cards when they come out.

After many (many!) years of struggling and building – I have the IDEAL conditions in my life to bring this project to life.? But that doesn’t make it easy to do the work.

Some days it’s easy and fun and inspiring and amazing and everything just comes together.

Some days, like today, it’s so hard it feels impossible.

I feel terrified of failing.

I feel kind of hopeless about it, like even if I don’t totally fail I won’t be happy either.

I feel confused about those feelings because I have been so happy, inspired and trusting lately.

I feel annoyed that this isn’t easier by now.

I feel lost and unsure about what it is I actually want.

So is it any wonder that when I sit down to draw, I don’t like what comes out?? And when I look at the artwork I’ve already finished (artwork that I was in love with yesterday) I think it all kind of stinks?

Secretly, the shitty days are the best part.? They are the fuel that will bring your dream to life.

Some days, all the fear and doubt and pain and uncertainty piles up and you just can’t hide from it anymore.? This is a good thing.

When you’re hiding from it, it gets to take up space in your energy field, dulling your sparkle in a mostly unconscious kind of way.

(Often we’re not aware of how much we actually sparkle, we’re so used to the dimmed down versions we’ve been living.)

Shitty days shake that up.? They are gifts from the universe to help you see what you’re actually doing, beneath the surface.

This is when you notice how you’re still letting your fear of success shut the door on your greatest possibilities.

This is where you notice all the ways that you’re still avoiding your real feelings.

This is where you notice that a part of you is still sitting around waiting to be rescued.

This is where you notice how angry you really are about that thing that happened so long ago that you thought you were over it.

This is where you notice how much more power you’d have if only you would stop worrying about what other people think.

This is where you notice how much you’ve been holding back, afraid of being “too much”.

This is where you notice how frustrated you are about settling for less than what you really want.

The noticing is hard.? Feeling this stuff is shitty.

But it’s not as shitty as just leaving it there, taking up space in your energy field, where it impacts you every day in ways that you don’t even notice because it’s all so familiar.

Each shitty day knocks some of it loose, bringing it to consciousness where you have the choice to change it.

So that’s where I’m at right now with my new project.? Spending the day in the Un-Sticking Station in the Creative Dream Circle, transforming the fears and inner critics into allies and energy for bringing this project to life.

It’s not fun, but there are moments when I can feel a new lightness in my heart, when I can feel things starting to shift.? And I’ve been here often enough to know that I’m really going to like what I find on the other side of it.

I have had a creative dream for the past twenty years: to make decks of oracle cards. A kind of combination of Transformation Game and the tarot – but as a thing that you do by yourself, with your journal. A dream-growing consciousness-altering game of healing + transformation.

I do make custom-made original art inspiration cards for myself and my clients. And I do have a super fun class on making your own inspiration cards in the Creative Dream Circle.

But this is different.

Twenty years ago, I was wildly inspired by Amy Zerner’s Enchanted Tarot.? At that time, I was in university getting my degree in fashion design, and kind of crazy about all things textile art.? Amy had created SEVENTY EIGHT stunning works of textile art for the deck – a project that combined spirituality and creativity in exactly the way that I wanted to do. I was ridiculously inspired.

But. SEVENTY EIGHT stunning works of art? That is a lot of art to make before you can even begin to put the project together before you can even begin to think about getting paid for it. In my years after university as a starving artist I never had that kind of spaciousness in my schedule or finances.

Plus I didn’t want to make a tarot deck, my dream was develop my own thing and developing my own thing felt like just as big a job as making all that art.

The whole thing felt too big. And I didn’t feel ready. And the truth was – I wasn’t ready back then.

All dreams are connected through creativity and purpose.

It always makes sense to work on the dream that is right in front of you right now. This doesn’t mean that you are choosing one dream over another – working on one dream can nourish all dreams because they are all connected.

This is why I offer the Creative Dream Incubator e-course for all Creative Dream Circle members – it shows you how to approach to making your dream real in such a way that it will nourish and energize ALL of your other dreams – and grow you into a person who is ready to have more dreams come true in her life.? Because a lot of ways of making things happen (like working your ass off, sacrificing your joy and wellbeing today for future joy and wellbeing, waiting for “the right time”, etc) really just deplete you and leave you exhausted, stressed out and wary of facing your next dream.

So, I’ve been working with other creative dreams for the past twenty years – while growing my possibilities and growing my self.

And now here I am.? Ready for this dream that has been “too big” for so long.

This is a pretty awesome place to be.

And it’s so amazing to be actively working on this, after holding it for twenty years.

I’ve been working on it for five weeks now.

There aren’t even any words to explain how happy I am to be doing the work. To sit at my table, every day, and let it pour out, page by page.

I hung up strings across the Dream Loft to hang up my artwork so I can see everything together while I tried to figure out how, exactly, this was going to work.

I experiment and explored. (This includes what people thing of as making bad art and taking wrong turns – but is just a part of the process of experimentation.)

I felt creatively alive in a new way. I also felt frustrated and unsure of myself.

And, slowly, it started to come together.

I’ve still got months of work ahead of me, this is still a REALLY BIG PROJECT, but progress is smooth and steady.

And now that I’m seeing it all come together, I feel all lit up.

I want to share more about it – the pictures and stories of bringing it to life.? But right now all I an say is that having a dream is great.? But being right there in it, and DOING YOUR CREATIVE WORK EVERY DAY, that’s where the magic is.

Answering these same questions helps us to track our journey ? healing and transformation are difficult things to track because when done right, you feel so at home in your new way of being that you forget how things used to be.? But when this practice is done consistently over time, it shows not only how far you?ve come ? but how far you?re able to go next.

Before I start I want to say that this week I was still in flu-recovery mode!? I am MUCH better, but still not 100% so it didn’t feel like a “normal” week.

Last week I was so sick I had to postpone some client sessions so this week I had extra sessions, so most of my energy was going there.? Which was actually really cool – obviously I love my work.? But I just didn’t have energy for a lot of other things this week.

My intention for Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance is:

Still working on this.? I did start a thread in the Circle about sorting out my intentions and getting really clear on how I want them to show up.? This is a work in progress.

My intention shows up as:

An expanding nebula.? So beautiful and full of love.? It reminds me to be patient.

I am Growing My Depth.? This week my practice was:

Things felt muddled and unclear, with bursts of clarity and insight.

A lot of really great stuff is happening.? And it feels solid inside me, like I have opened up new space inside me for more of the things I want to come in.

But then at times it was like too much is changing/happening and I really don’t know where I am.

You can kind of see it in how I wrote in small chunks all around the page – it’s not all connected like it usually is.

Though I was not engaging with my journal a lot, I was thinking a lot about being with what is: Not trying to rush through some parts.? Not holding onto things.? What if what is is the perfect thing? How can I accept this moment as a gift?

What if being in flu-recovery is just what I need?? What if the slowness and low energy is perfect?? I like the way this feels.

I am Nurturing My Brilliance.? This week things in my outer world were:

This was a really fantastic week.? I enjoyed having extra coaching/healing sessions, my clients are always so inspiring to connect with and there is nothing I love more than helping people make amazing things happen in their lives. SO satisfying.

But I did not enjoy having low energy and not being able to go out as much as I wanted to.

One day I was feeling so much better and I walked outside for almost 2 hours (I loooove being outside in the winter) but then the next day my sinuses were all painful again.? (HA! SO related to our topic this week of playing our edges!)

I do have this secret project that I made progress on.? I’m so happy with how it’s coming together, but not at a point of being ready to talk about it.

It feels important that I remember:

To be present with what’s happening now.? I find myself zooming into the near future when I’m feeling all better, the snow is gone, and I can ride my bike again.? It’s great to be excited about all that, but stay here!? All the magic is in the present.

Now I need:

Quality time with secret project.? It feels like connecting more with the essence of it will help me find the words to talk about it.

Find a way to embrace the slowness that I feel with not being able to do as much as I want to be doing.? Recovery as a celebration.

My intention needs:

It wants to be found.? It knows I’m going to find it, it needs some love and attention and for me to be patient about how long it may take for me to get clear.

And also to remember that intention-setting and dreaming are much easier when you have a lot of stuff you don’t like in your life.

Where I am now, living with so many dreams come true, it takes more work to clarify and define exactly what I want next.? It’s like shifting into the detail work because the big/obvious stuff is done.

Circle members – I’m just posting the bonus question for this week in the update thread inside the Circle.

This is my weekly update from Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance.? Every Friday I? post my answers to these same questions (with a different ?bonus? question, based on what we?ve been exploring that week) and invite the Circle members to share their responses too.?

Answering these same questions helps us to track our journey ? healing and transformation are difficult things to track because when done right, you feel so at home in your new way of being that you forget how things used to be.? But when this practice is done consistently over time, it shows not only how far you?ve come ? but how far you?re able to go next.

Before I start I want to say that this week I had the flu from hell so my update this week is kind of different – my head is still fuzzy and I haven’t been out of my pajamas in 5 days.

(Last week I was going through my medicine drawer and thinking about tossing my cold medicine and organic vapo-rub since I haven’t been sick in four years.? I’m so glad I didn’t toss them!)

My intention for Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance is:

Last week I wrote how it’s changing and it needs me to give it some attention to find out what it’s changing into.? Did not have the mental power to do this this week.

My intention shows up as:

A pool of healing.? It’s made of light blue light and when I soak in it I feel like I am made of light blue light.

I am Growing My Depth.? This week my practice was:

Kind of non-existent. On the weekend I was doing some interesting exploring, noticing a pattern of how I want to avoid my own answers.

But then I got sick and didn’t explore it much further – I just didn’t have the energy for journaling.? And when I think about things but don’t write them down they just stay all fuzzy and un-clear.

On the other hand, I was very connected to my inner world.? Just not in a way that I processed anything or understand what was happening.

I am Nurturing My Brilliance.? This week things in my outer world were:

Flu-y.

I wasn’t feeling well on the weekend so I took it easy, though Sunday I am so grateful that I had an energy burst where I cleaned the whole Dream Loft, including washing my bedding (which was really nice! If you’re going to have the flu, best to have the flu with fresh bedding).

I also set up an alter to Internal Radiance in my bedroom:

And then Monday morning I woke up ridiculously sick.? I took the last of my cold medicine and asked my mom to bring me some supplies – I didn’t even feel like I could go to the store one block away from me.

And on Monday I did everything I could to avoid feeling how I felt.

Extra-strength extra-sleepy cough syrup and watching stupid shows on Netflix and just really trying to be numb to how frustrated I felt because I LOVE Monday mornings, I LOVE my work and I didn’t want to be sick.

When I woke up just as sick on Tuesday I realised that I was going to have to approach this differently.? If this is where I am, how can I make friends with it?

Wednesday I had an flu-piphany.

I was in the bathtub, taking a hot hot bath with lavender essential oil.? Being in the hot water and steamy room felt so good.? It felt as good as any time when I go to the mineral spa, that same feeling of feeling more present with my inner light.

I got out of the tub and went to take a nap.

I really do love naps in my bedroom – the south wall is floor to ceiling wall to wall windows.? And Winnipeg is a cold city in the winter, but it’s sunny.? I love the way the sunlight streams in.

I lay there, smiling, and noticed again that this is exactly how I feel after a trip to the spa.

So what if I could re-imagine the flu as a spa vacation?? What if, instead of wishing every day that I’ll be better tomorrow, it’s awesome that I may get to have a whole week of this?

Extreme self-care.? Deep connection to my inner light.? Letting the hard shells crack.? Softening.

The nights were the worse – lying down meant my sinuses couldn’t drain so I would cough uncontrollably.? I was going to bed with all my pillows stacked up so I was sitting but at some point I would always end up lying down anyway.

But that night, it was different.

I did wake up in a coughing fit but I was also still in my dream or something.? Because there was a circle of people around me and I knew I was in a healing circle and that the coughing had purpose.

I was breaking up the shells and releasing things that didn’t serve me anymore.

Sure, it was painful.? But worth it.? And I had the support of the circle.

So I feel like I’m shifting some patterns around accepting what is and finding the gifts in it, which is a theme I’ve mentioned in lots of my updates already.

I can’t answer the other weekly questions, my brain is just too fuzzy this week.? When I am feeling better I do want to go back to last week’s update and pick up the threads I was exploring then.

This is my weekly update from Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance.? Every Friday I? post my answers to these same questions (with a different ?bonus? question, based on what we?ve been exploring that week) and invite the Circle members to share their responses too.?

Answering these same questions helps us to track our journey ? healing and transformation are difficult things to track because when done right, you feel so at home in your new way of being that you forget how things used to be.? But when this practice is done consistently over time, it shows not only how far you?ve come ? but how far you?re able to go next.

My intention for Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance is:

Changing!

The original intention I started with is showing up so quickly!? This shouldn’t surprise me, but I really did think these were things I would work on for the year – not things that would just show up in the first month of our practice.

So, some new dreams are calling me and I can see them, but I need a little more time before I can articulate them clearly.? Until then, I’ll say that my intention for Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance is to get clear on my new dreams.

My intention shows up as:

A warm, warm golden light that zooms right into my heart and fills my energy field with delight.

I am Growing My Depth.? This week my practice was:

Deep!

I’m noticing places where I judge my practice based on how I thought it should be, instead of really noticing how magical it is, as it is.? I don’t have to spend hours with my journal every day to be deeply engaged with the process of growing my depth.

I do make sure to sit down with my journal twice a day – first thing in the morning and then again later.? But I don’t always write something.? The really important part is to take that time to meet myself, it doesn’t matter what happens during that meeting.

Some weeks I fill pages and pages, some weeks I don’t even finish one page.? There’s always good stuff, regardless of how much stuff there is.

I started to see more about why I’ve been having a bit of a rough time with this.

I am learning about what I want. I am seeing how this is good, even when I wish it was happening in a different way.

Struggles are always (always!) gifts. The past month has shown me so much about what I really want, which helps me in a zillion different ways.

I also did a lot of mandalas this week.

I am Nurturing My Brilliance.? This week things in my outer world were:

HOLY CRAP.? I am seeing big, big shifts in my life from this work already.

But first I want to say that physically, this was kind of a hard week.? In my last update I wrote how I’d hurt myself skating but was hoping to get back on the ice on Friday night.? I did – and while I was out I REALLY hurt myself.

I get VERY restless and frustrated when I am sick/injured, so that was a challenge.? By the end of the week it was much better.? I’m doing yin yoga every day, but no skating at all this week, which really takes a lot away from the delight of winter.

Though I did get out to our winter festival, which was really fun and a part of my intentions for how I want to nurture my brilliance – more fun time out with friends.

But the Big Change is with my creative work.

Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance is, to me, the most gorgeous intention ever.? It encompasses so much in such a nurturing and authentic way.? It also opens up possibilities that are bigger than our conscious minds can see for ourselves.

That’s what happened for me this week.

The way I want to do my work – how I want to serve – totally shifted into the framework of Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance.

Grow Your Depth: Creative Soul Alchemy sessions to help you go deeper into your own inner transformation

Nurture Your Brilliance: Creativity Coaching to help you draw out your BEST work and get your project (book/artwork/blog/etc) DONE.

I am ridiculously happy about this – it feels so congruent with what matters most to me right now, and with the kind of difference I want to make in the world.

And I’ve mentioned before in these updates that I started a new project.? I want to write a whole blog post about this (hopefully next week?) because HOLY CRAP I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

It’s a BIG project – like it’s felt “too big” to even start for a long, long time.

It’s an ART project – like it’s demanding that I make art for hours every day which makes me ridiculously happy.

It’s stretching my comfort zone and showing me new pictures of what could be possible for me.

I feel like I’m waking up, though I didn’t know I was sleeping.

New possibilities are everywhere.? I’m having more fun.? Making new friends.? Re-connecting with old friends.? Finding new things to do that absolutely light me up.

I’m making art that I’m in love with.

I’m learning about how to be more creatively engaged with my life.

I’m learning how to accept what is when it’s really different from what I’d hoped it would be and even see how maybe everything really is perfect exactly as it is.

I’m being more of a grown-up in my relationship with my body.

I’m really experiencing how magical it is to live more fully in my own depth.

It’s like I’m inhabiting my life more fully, which is a pretty amazing feeling.

It feels important that I remember:

TO BE MORE GRATEFUL.

It’s important to me to live with intention.? But sometimes this means being so focused on what I am creating next that I forget to feel delightfully appreciative of all that I have already created.

Now I need:

To explore this new idea I had this morning: DELIGHTENING.? Delight as a job: to focus first on delightening and the allowing everything I do/plan/decide to come from that place.? What does that mean? What are the practices of delightening?

My intention needs:

Clarity! To get super duper clear on it and then sit with it every day.? To let it change things.

Each week we have an extra journaling prompt, usually based on the new?Grow Your Depth Nurture Your Brilliance content from that week.

This week we were exploring doorways as transformational processes, and the two different kinds of doorways.? Can you think of a time in the past when you experienced an unexpected and unwelcome doorway – but then in hindsight you can see how it was actually a gift?? (Remembering times when this happened in the past can help you trust that future doorways you encounter are actually helpful.)

Ha! Yes. The thing that was the saddest thing that had ever happened to me.? I fought against it for a long time, which didn’t change the situation even a teeny tiny bit, it only kept me rooted in the pain and sadness of it.

At that time, I couldn’t accept the situation until I started to feel better.? And it took me forever to feel better because I was making the whole thing wrong (fighting against life is always a recipe for pain).? I really put myself into an impossible position.

For a long time, I was convinced that the only way for me to be happy about what was happening was for what was happening to change.

So, a thing happened that was sad.? And my response to it turned me into a victim and kept me in that place for a long time.? Luckily, it got so sad that it forced me to get some help!

The thing is – I didn’t even realise at the time that I had the option of responding in a different way.? And had that awfully sad thing never happened I might STILL be responding to life in ways that make me a victim!

Which means I wouldn’t even be writing this because I wouldn’t have this business – I would still believe that I needed more money/time/support before I could make that happen.

I mean, going through the healing process from that sad thing changed everything.

Looking at it in this light makes it easier to be more grateful for these things as they happen because I can assume that the process is going to bring me to somewhere amazing.

All doorways open me up to more of what is actually possible for me.? It’s up to me if I accept the gifts or not.

This is my weekly update from Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance.? Every Friday I? post my answers to these same questions (with a different “bonus” question, based on what we’ve been exploring that week) and invite the Circle members to share their responses too.? Answering these same questions helps us to track our journey – healing and transformation are difficult things to track because when done right, you feel so at home in your new way of being that you forget how things used to be.? But when this practice is done consistently over time, it shows not only how far you’ve come – but how far you’re able to go next.

My intention shows up as:

It’s the same bright light from last week, but it’s further away this week, so it’s like it’s not shining as brightly, but I know that it actually is shining just as bright.

It didn’t move away from me, I moved away from it.? It’s always here for me.

I am Growing My Depth.? This week my practice was:

Wobbly.

This is especially disappointing since last week it felt so stable and strong.? But this week I had a lot of resistance to showing up for my journal every day.

Journaling about why I was avoiding my journal was helpful.

But I just couldn’t get myself into the flow with it for most of this week.

Though I did start reading a book about sales, and doing lots of exploring and brainstorming around my beliefs about selling and sales and where they could use some transformation.? Which of course spills over into my beliefs of what is really possible for me.

And sometimes always(?) when I start to explore something new, resistance creeps in.

When I was working with my resistance in the Un-Sticking Station it showed up as oil covering me.? And I did energy clearing to clean off the oil, but that actually made me sad.? I wanted the oil there.? I wanted resistance to slow me down.? I wanted to curl up in it and hide.

Plus, self doubt continues to show up in different ways.

So I’m working with all of this slowly, reminding myself that this is a part of the process.? Last week I said I would make an inspiration card to remind me to welcome whatever shows up, even when it’s so different from what I’d hoped would show up that I don’t want to look at it at all, and here it is:

It does make me smile to see it, but a part of me still wishes I could find a way to close the door on the things I don’t want.? Opening the door to growing my depth means opening the door.? Wide.? And welcoming whatever I find inside me.? I’m getting there.

Also: emotional trickery!

Over and over this week I thought I was feeling one thing, but exploring it showed that I was feeling something else.? Like I thought I was doubting my creative voice but really I was lonely.? I thought I was worried about money but really I was tired.

Not my favourite week for inner work!

But then in the Creative Genius Mojo-Dojo I got a really beautiful message: It just feels wonky because you are in the process of change.? Keep going.

I meditated on that and could see how it’s true and all of the wonkiness felt less wonky.? I got back in touch with my excitement for what I am creating.

I am Nurturing My Brilliance.? This week things in my outer world were:

All that resistance to my journaling practice certainly did impact me in the outer world.

Everything in my life flows so much better when I am creatively and deeply engaged with my inner work.

So I feel sad and frustrated about this.? While the week started really happy and good (since last week was so great) as it went on the resistance took over.

Meanwhile, skating on the river continues to rock my world.

But on this snowy night, the ice was covered in so much snow I couldn’t see the cracks, and I hit one and fell really hard.? I’m ok, but needed to take a skating break for a few days – which coincided with some colder/windier weather so taking a break for a few days is not the worst thing.? (Fingers crossed to be able to get back on the ice tonight)

I did start a new project and make progress on old projects. This is actually kind of a big deal but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.

I took good care of myself. Yoga, baths, enough sleep, meditation, time with friends, eating really well.? Besides from the wonkiness, I do feel good.

And the sad situation I was writing about last week dissipated – after doing some energy work to separate it from me I woke up one morning feeling like it was in the past.? And then it stopped feeling sad and I feel like I’ve accepted it for what it is.? Very grateful for this.

I used to play Plants vs Zombies on my iPad.? Not that much, but certainly almost every day.? I deleted the app this week and felt that discomfort of not having a thing I usually do when I want to take a break.? I’m replacing it with reading and just actually taking a break – sitting and doing nothing for a bit.

So good stuff happened – but somehow overall I just felt stuck/stalled this week.

It feels important that I remember:

Cause and effect.? When I stop showing up for the magic the magic stops showing up for me.

And that I am always free to make a different choice.

Now I need:

Well writing this out shows me that I need to be firmer with myself about showing up for my practice.? I want to do the things that bring me the life I want.

My intention needs:

My intention asked me to start doing something new this week, and I’m doing it.? A new morning ritual of connecting with the essence of the thing I’m working on to help me enter the day in a state of deep connection with the purpose behind the thing.

I love this!? I feel so much calmer and sure-er and more connected to my deepest purpose, all day.

I love this even though I think this was also a big contributor to feeling wonky this week – because it put me more firmly in the process of change.

My intention needs me to keep doing this, and to be open to how this may change everything else.

Each week we have an extra journaling prompt, usually based on the new?Grow Your Depth Nurture Your Brilliance content from that week.

This week we’re exploring the importance of being in the unknown.? How do you react when faced with the unknown?? How would you like to react and what might help you with that?

I don’t react very well.? I mean – that’s kind of what this week was all about for me.? I get wonky, I resist my practice.? I feel stuck when I’m not necessarily stuck at all – I’m just in the unknown.? Which means I judge the unknown and hold it up to standards which probably have nothing to do with it because I don’t take the time to find out what it is first.

I’m uncomfortable with the unknown.

I also know that it’s the only way to get to somewhere new.? I am deeply committed to growing my depth and how could that possibly happen without being in the unknown?? So shifting my relationship with the unknown feels important.

I would like to welcome it.? I would like to remember sooner that “Oh yeah this is unknown which means I don’t know which means I can hold off of judging things because it’s not necessarily wrong that I am in this place, feeling this way.”? I always get there, but I would like to get there sooner.

I would love to be excited about the unknown – to see it as an adventure to explore.? What would help me to do that?? I’m going to have to give that one some time.