I had decided not to share this, lol. And then I decided to share this because I see other people breaking up or contemplating it, and I see people with dreams that fall apart and they're in the place where they don't know how to put anything back together and I was remembering how that felt and I wanted to share this story from the other side of all of that.
This year has been intense!
I have maybe learned more about myself this year, than any other year of my life and that is really saying something!
So I wanted to mark this anniversary. That morning I rode my bike downtown for my favourite breakfast treat, the Everything Bagel Doughnut, and ate it in the park with my journals, but didn’t feel like journaling. It was a gorgeous morning and I just sat there, appreciating EVERYTHING.
Then I meal prepped roast veggie salads for the week, cleaned up the loft, got my art supplies organized because my dreams told me to MAKE MORE ART this week, and did laundry including washing my bedding.
That night I was going to a potluck + bonfire at my friend's farm and I wanted to come home to a tidy place, a fridge full of nutrient dense yummies (seeing mason jar salads in the fridge make my heart happy, and the lettuce stays crisp all week that way) and fresh clean sheets on the bed.
I did tell my friends that it was the anniversary.
They were supportive. They listened to what I wanted to say about it.
Lots of "you're better off"s. No shade to my ex, but everyone is better off not being with someone who would just walk out on them like that.
In the car, once we were on our way home, my friend asked "So how was it for you?" and I was like "How was what?" and she said "The anniversary" and I had forgotten all about it.
That's a moment I wish I could have sent to myself-from-a-year-ago.
I love the way I treat myself now.
All the ways I had been pouring into my marriage, I now pour into just me. And it’s awesome.
All the things I wanted my husband to give me, now I give to me, and it’s awesome.
Including the things I didn’t even realize I was wanting from him, until sorting through my feelings in the breakup! Which is part of the miracle of this last year, it feels like so many things that I wanted actually came to me, but in completely different form from what I was expecting.
I’m not saying divorce is easy. But I am truly appreciating where I am now.
In a lot of ways, it is an opportunity to have a whole new life.
And in my situation, my outer life didn't change all that much. I didn't move. I didn't change jobs, or suddenly have to get a job. I do have some financial pressure that wasn't there before. And my goals shifted a little. But I know that I was lucky to have a LOT of stability during my divorce that not everyone has.
AND STILL it feels like a whole new life.
It seems so small to say it this way but it's huge.
Really BEING IN the wreckage of things falling apart is a transformative experience.
I see it all the time with people and their dreams - things fall apart in a HUGE way, and it's so painful and terrifying. Like a dream falling apart really can be an existential crisis.
But when we can BE WITH the immensity and depth of of that moment, we are transformed by it.
So, I woke up the next morning, in my freshly washed bed in my tidy home.
I could smell the fire on my clothes from the night before.
My heart felt so light.
Fuck yeah! I love my life.
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