This year I wanted to explore my relationship with resistance.

And I’ve been a lot more mindful of it. And all sorts of things have shifted.

AND

There are still all these places where it feels tangly and murky.

Today here is this part of me who just wants to sink into nothingness doesn’t want me exploring bright new creative paths.

Sink into nothingness is the only way I can describe it. This part of me wants to numb and avoid.

And I get so frustrated with it. But I want to be curious about it instead, so let’s try…

Hey, resistance, part of me who wants to sink into nothingness, I’d like to understand you better.

In what way?

Well, I understand how much I want to DO the creative ideas I have and explore new things and just generally FEEL ALIVE in my life. And I feel like you don’t want that, and try to stop me, and I don’t understand.

I just sit with this, how I have these two parts of me, how I relate to one of them more than the other and how they don’t relate to each other at all.

So I ask her: Can you see the things I am dreaming of here? How do you feel about them?

Oh wow they look gorgeous. Yes I can see them. But they are for the future. They’re not here.

Right. So you need them to be here already before we can pursue them?

Kind of.

But you know it doesn’t work that way, right?

No. I mean - we are here. There’s a lot of heaviness and reasons to go slow here. Are you sure you aren’t trying to just leap ahead into the future to avoid being here? Are you really sure I am the one avoiding?

Umm ok this doesn’t feel fruitful. I mean - do we just point fingers and call each other avoiders?

It feels like my inner conversations are so convoluted lately.

But let’s keep going.

Yeah, I see where you are right! I am trying to avoid and avoidance, in a way. I do want to change what is happening right now. I want to be doing the things I want to be doing. I don’t want to be tired and heavy.

But I am SO tired and heavy.

OK but we agree about the future we are moving toward, right?

Right.

That’s good! But - are you saying you don’t want to take ANY steps now?

I need to feel ready.

Do you know how many things I have written about “waiting to feel ready is bullshit”?

She just looks at me.

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?

Yeah, I think you are. I’m sorry! I think we can’t WAIT to feel ready, but we can WORK ON feeling ready. We can take smaller steps, take a gentler approach.

This doesn’t feel resolved in any way, but I do feel like this big sticky resistance is quietly considering other options. I love that we agree on the future we are moving towards.

A few hours, I felt into this in a new way.

This part of me who feels NOT READY does need a different approach. HEALING and ART and MAGIC as a part of the work.

I mean - this is what Dream Book IS

AND…

There are always more layers. And there are always time when I try to focus more on Outer Work - like right now because I know exactly what I want to do, I just can’t do it.

And this part of me comes to life when she FEELS SAFE ENOUGH to move forward. Journaling and meditation (and lately painting in my journals, but I don’t think that’s necessary, we all need to follow our own creative flow about what we do in our journals) I just spent some time journaling and now this whole dynamic feels different.

Lately, spending lots of time with my Dream Book is helping me grow self trust.

So grateful for this!

 

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