It’s been a week and a half with no internet in my home!
Hopefully it will be fixed soon (all I know is that the technician is backed up and is getting to everyone in the order that they received our calls and I just have to wait) because running an internet business with no internet is awkward. (
And I found out I can’t add more data to my phone plan like I used to be able to! It’s just a $50 surcharge and then it’s cut off until next month. Yikes)
But on the other hand, not having internet in my home is magical.
Of course, I learned just how much I have been using the internet to distract me from the discomfort of divorce, and the state of the world, and my peri-menopause anxiety, and the stress of running a business about believing in a better future while the world is collapsing into chaos around us.
It did feel like what I assume a mild version of withdrawal feels like.
It did feel like “Wow, without my internet fix, this shit is really hard to deal with!”
AND ALSO
I’m so glad I am facing this all more directly.
I did say that 2024 I am doing this year-long project of exploring my resistance and that’s… well resisting exploring resistance is a part of exploring resistance, right?
But I did learn a lot more about how my resistance works this last almost-two-weeks.
And I got to spend more time in my… I don’t know what to call it.. state-of-being-more-connected-to-myself-than-to-wifi I guess.
After the stress of figuring out how to do my work, and the discomfort of re-arranging my work flow (not a small thing!) it was like this sense of magic and freedom opened up. All these chunks of time, alone at home, with no way of communication with the outside world, except the few people I text with.
It just feels like - this is what I need, as an artist.
And when I look at all of the stressors in my life right now: processing my divorce, re-gaining a sense of financial stability as a single person and with nightmare inflation and being self employed on the internet while the algorithms keep changing and culture keeps changing and everything that used to work doesn’t work….
Well, art is the answer to everything.
(For me, right now)
Art as a way of listening to my soul.
Art as a way of finding my truth.
And space without wifi does feel like a more creative space.
And once my internet is fixed, I want to hold onto this state-of-being-more-connected-to-myself-than-to-wifi.
I’m grateful it is taking soooo looooong for this to be fixed because this gives me a chance to get INTO IT.
I’m adding a page to my Dream Book about this version of me who STAYS in the state-of-being-more-connected-to-myself-than-to-wifi. To learn more about her and how to stay in this once the wifi is working again.
I am embarrassed about this but I think this is the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for.
I’ve been wanting to be deeper in my creative process. More connected to my inner truth. Like living IN my magic in a more potent way.
I'm embarrassed that I didn't just notice that the internet was getting in the way of my process... I'm embarrassed because it took my internet breaking for me to do this.
But OF COURSE I've been in more resistance that I realize. I’m just in an overwhelming stage of life where it’s easy for resistance to kind of swoop in and take me away.
So, this experience of having my internet break gave me what I needed.
And (especially since I have established routines around getting to wifi twice a day, and have re-structured how I work so that I am not constantly feeling stressed and behind on everything) I feel patient about continuing to wait for this technician...
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