Yesterday's post I wrote about how I was feeling like I landed in a new place in my practice and hope felt easier.

And it did stay that way for a bit, but this morning everything was heavy fog.

Hope was there, glowing gently but the fog was heavy, stopping it from shining out very far and my whole head was filled with fog.

I was trying to be with the fog in a compassionate way, but I had this judging self show up "See! You skipped your morning routine that wakes you up and helps you be your best/most creative self and that was so stupid!!!! You know what works for you, so why don't you do it?"

And I felt frustrated, can't I take a day off from my routines and still feel alive? It's so great that I do know what helps me feel how I want to feel. But, like, can't I have a day off?

And, ironically, this is happening on a Monday when I did have two full days off, mostly alone at home, sewing and watching trashy tv. I even ended the weekend with a salt bath and yin yoga and meditation and early bed and shouldn't I feel amazing today?

So, I'm being compassionate with this part of me too. Making space for the part of me who wants a day off. And making space for the part of me who wants to do stuff.

No wonder I feel foggy! So many selves with conflicting agendas.

Just sitting with it, making space for all of my feelings and conflicting desires without resolving anything seemed to help though.

Eventually I make an iced coffee and put on a playlist of ecstatic dance music and soon I am swaying to the music, feeling clear headed and getting ready to get to work in an enjoyable way.

I have a strong and growing desire to be more creatively engaged in my life.

I am coming out of the fog of divorce and the re-building phase and I want to be CREATING more.

I am still sewing like crazy. Partly to get rid of my stash, partly I feel like I am in a new stage of life and want new clothes for it and want to make them myself.

That's a good start... I want to be doing more though. Decorating projects. Art projects.

But I am still in the process...

So, trying to be patient with the parts of me who just want to take a nap, without letting them making all of my choices for me.

 

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