I hate to say it again... But I need to work on my routines.

Still. Always.

I am remembering back to when I was really IN my routines. And missing that. How my routines created a container that HELD me, that HELD the sometimes-chaotic process of creative progress, healing and growth.

That I knew that any one day might suck, that everything may be really stuck and hard... but it wouldn’t stay that way. That I just had to keep showing up to move through the process.

But I am really struggling to show up for the process right now.

Like I am doing it, but it takes SO MUCH EFFORT to get into the process that there is less energy left for creativity and focus.

And part of this is - this is just where I am.

My step-son was supposed to be out of the hospital, but there was some concern about him managing outside of the hospital, so they are keeping him in to make sure he’s got it. He just lost 95% of his pancreas and he needs to learn how to live without it, and then he’s going to lose his gallbladder next year. So it’s a lot and I am glad the doctors are being cautious. No one has ever seen this happen to anyone this young.

And that’s weighing on me. The relief I felt when I thought he was going home earlier this week all turned into heaviness.

And then when I think of him in the hospital of course I think of all the people in hospitals in Gaza and my heart just breaks. And then I think about the other wars and ongoing violence of colonial projects all over the world including my own home. And it’s too much.

These are hard times for creative dreams and our creative dreams have never been more vital.

So. What do I want to do with this?

That’s the big question I’ve been asking.

Because I JUST REALISED THIS WHILE WRITING THIS - I am still putting my energy into trying to be how I was instead of figuring out how I am now and how I want to be.

What’s possible here?

That feels so hopeful. Taking that to my journal.

I really don't think I would have found such a hopeful-feeling question to explore if I hadn't written about feeling stuck even though I didn't want to because I feel like such a broken record about being stuck with my routines.

That's the magic of journaling our ACTUAL thoughts and feelings. We don't have to like them! But this way we can process them and move through.

 

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