It's Sunday morning.
I'm sitting on my chaise lounge with my laptop, my cat Bear, and a latte. It rained last night, and I opened up both big windows upstairs and the most delightful breeze is flowing through the loft with that it-just-rained smell.
My husband is asleep upstairs. We are still living apart, but spending more and more time together, and planning to live together again within the next year.
The time apart was so needed. In March 2021, when he moved out, I was ready to lose my mind if I didn't get some of alone time.
And now, with the magic of HAVING SPACE, and also a great couple's therapist, I'm excited to live with him again.
Dreams are not static.
We don't create a dream come true in our lives, and then curl up in it and live there forever, never feeling sad or lost or unfulfilled ever again.
We're alive and our dreams are alive and we grow and change and they grow and change and it can get very complicated at times.
My loft condo was SUCH a big dream for me. I bought it in 2011 - my first year of self employment with the Creative Dream Incubator.
A big modern open space with HUGE sunny windows. This felt like THE perfect place for ALL of my dreams.
And it was. At that time. But I kept growing and changing and then I had a husband and 4 step-kids and the big loft stopped feeling big, lol!
But it's still more than a home, it's a DREAM.
There have been times when I was very frustrated that I couldn't sell it and move on to the next thing. But a shift in the real estate market for condominiums made that extremely complicated. There have been times when I was glad I kept it. There are times when I want to keep it AND get a new home with my husband. And there are times when I am ready to take the financial loss, sell it and move on to the next thing.
When I last wrote about my loft I got so much advice and almost... well it felt like I was being roasted.
My inbox was overwhelmed with people being upset about the choices I was making. Which is wild, since I 100% trust myself to make the right choices for me. I'm so good at this, I help other people do this for a living!
But, people project online. A lot. We only see bits and pieces of each other's lives, fill in the banks with our own projections, and then it's easy to get upset when someone we like does something we don't.
Anyway, I'm sitting here on this gorgeous morning and I still have no clue what to do with this dream house of mine.
My husband and I have lots of ideas for ways to renovate it to make it work better.
And there are other options too, of course.
We'll figure it out....
But I do this - creative dreaming - for a living. So shouldn't I KNOW?
I have ALL of the tools. Shouldn't I never get stuck trying to figure out my next moves? Shouldn't I never make a mistake or mis-step?
It's easy to go there.
And loads of people in the life coaching/Life Your Best Life Industry really are out there saying that with the right tools and support, your life can be perfect. Always. Forever.
And some of these people become such huge corporations with so much impact that it's easy to feel convinced that if your life is not consistently perfect it's because YOU are doing something wrong, and you need to buy a better solution.
That's really shitty. It's the collision of unethical marketing with life coaching/personal growth and there's a LOT of it out there. And it taps into a lot of unconscious beliefs we have from growing up in this capitalist/colonialist/individualist/supremacist culture.
But we don't have to go there. We can shine a light on what's actually happening there, and then we can choose a different path.
Creative Dreaming is about STAYING ENGAGED with your dreams, and your healing and growth.
It's not about imagining that you can control the universe.
Or that being alive doesn't come with a FUCK TON of uncertainty, vulnerability and pain.
It's not about trying to AVOID the realities of life on earth.
It's about STAYING ENGAGED with your dreams/healing/growth/creativity/joy/values/inner truth which is a much deeper magic than "living a perfect life" could ever offer.
So here I am FEELING that magic.
Knowing what I want in the larger sense but also having no clue about what the details or timing will look like and letting it be what it is AND ALSO accepting that I could be in this place for a while AND ALSO - underneath everything, trusting the process.
(And THAT - trusting the process - is a valuable skill to learn which comes from engaging in the practice of staying engaged)
We can feel this magic WHILE being in the process, without a solution or fairy-tale ending in sight, just a commitment to stay on the path.
I'm going to stay here. Lost. Uncertain. Feeling my way.
I am following my creative flow. Starting BIG new projects. Going all in with self care as replenishment from a difficult few years.
I am going to put the LIVE Creative Genius Planning Sessions on hold for now - the ones I do Monday mornings on Instagram. Instead, I am sharing shorter meditations - like this one, for calling in what you need for the week.
I am planning a new free class to happen soon (if you're signed up for my emails you'll get an invite).
And exploring the idea of offering a few small group coaching programs for other people who are navigating deep change, or starting new projects - so we can do this together.
